Motherhood Uncensored

Weirder Than Weird

Apparently I am embroiled in a competition to find out who is the weirdest of them all. I'm not sure this is something I want to win, but hell. I have no shame.

Just promise you won't run away screaming. (And for 16 other weird things about me, click here and here).

So, I give you Six Weird Things About Me: SEX EDITION

1. I once stuck a plastic red chopstick in the ass of my preschool friend. We were playing doctor. Enough said.

2. I once was chewing gum while providing oral pleasure and it got stuck in his pubic hair and he had to shave it off.

3. I dated a guy in college who I had believe that I could orgasm just by thinking about it. It was pretty funny. And it was the best orgasm I had while dating him.

4. I have only ever owned two pornos, both of which were really awful old Asian ones where the women weren't Asian, but rather scary white ladies with really bad black eyeliner and even worse fake accents. "Oh Baby. You Make-y Me Soooooooooo Hohn-eeeeeeee!"

5. I like nipples. Always have. Always will. Except when I'm nursing. Then you must stay away. Even during sex. Stay. Away.

6. I am writing a sex column that drops today.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

 

I tag: Mrs. Chicken, Her Sister, and Jason (Sex Edition is optional, of course)

*PSA: The Blog Exchange call for participants is up.

What's Worse than a Bowl of Deep Fried Pickles on a Bed of Brown Lettuce?

I thought I was going to get off scot free on this one. You know, sneak under radar and not get caught. But alas, I have been had. And so I give you the list of things I can't stand.

1. People who leave their cell phones on during events such as weddings, conference sessions, funerals, and orchestra concerts, even when reminded several times.

2. When you send a nice personal email to someone and you only ever hear from them through crappy spam emails.

3. People who use incredibly bizarre spellings of common names. Way to make life just a little harder for your kid.

4. No writing in greeting cards. What? You can't say "Hey, how are you?"

5. No eye contact when you're talking to me. You don't have to stare, but can you at least pretend like you're listening.

6. Hanging up and not leaving a message and then wondering why I didn't call you back.

7. Sending a nice gift package to someone and NEVER hearing whether they got it or not.

8. Pantyhose with open-toed shoes. And really, pantyhose in general.

9. Gum, bones, etc. that people take out of their mouth indiscreetly and lay on their plate while they're eating. Or even better, when they put the gum on the can of soda they are drinking. Dude. I'll give you another piece of gum. THROW IT AWAY.

10. People who say "oh you're from JOISEY."  No one from Jersey talks like that. NOT ONE.

11. People who leave comments like "Cool" or "Nice" on epicly awesome posts.

12. People who say "yes" to "are you ready to order?" but then sit there, proceed to read the menu, ask 14 questions about the entrees, and then decide they need more time.

13. Crappy salad veggies at a restaurant. That tomato is a white/green and that lettuce is BROWN. Would you eat that?

14. People who use the wrong words for obvious things. Like certain not-blood related family members who call "tights" ... "leotards."

15. People who make silly assumptions about music therapy like "Oh, you sing songs for sick people" or "How nice to sing for the old folks."

16. People who don't live in Mississippi and have never been to Mississippi and then try to tell me that Mississippi isn't that bad.

17. People that don't get it when I tell them I taught at a university or they ask why I would come here for a job like "that" -- an assistant professor of music position.

18. People who continue to think my daughter is a boy even when she is dressed in pink and then suggest I get her ears pierced and put a bow in her hair so people can tell.

19. When people insult Asians (or any folks of color) right in front of me (including those same not-blood related folks). I wrote a book on multiculturalism people. HELLO.

20. When people come to my blog and complain about the "racy" content and bad words. Note the title of the blog people.

Hi There, I'm Here for a Vulva Piercing

And other things you'll NEVER hear me say...

(Now with PICTURES!)

2) You know. These size 4 jeans are actually a little big on me. Do you have a 2 I could try?

3) Sure honey, go play another round. And take your time. Please.

4) Whoever invented the deep fried pickle is a genius.

5) Hey doc. Do you have a spare speculum I could take home to play around with?

6) I'll really miss Mississippi.

7) No no. The large red anal beads on the top left rack. Yes. I'll take those.

8) How will they ever find anyone better than George Bush to run this country?

9) To save time, just go ahead and give me that epistiotomy.

10) Hey Dad [in-law]. You should really check out my blog.

Thanks to Chris for the idea. Care to share any of yours (in my comments)?.

And yes, they do exist:

Deep Fried Pickles. On a bed of wilted Iceberg.

I AM tomkitten...

I WANT them to change my name to something fun like "Tayka Cruise" or "Juana" Cruise" - I mean "Suri Cruise?" What kind of celebrity name is that?

I WISH people would stop pestering my dad... Chris Klein isn't a bad guy, really.

I MISS the test tube where I was conceived.

I HEAR my mom on the phone with Brooke Shields every day.

I WONDER why everyone is so damn quiet around here.

I REGRET that I had to pop out of my mom and see Tom's crazy mug.

I AM NOT an alien. However, I may grow up to be like one if someone doesn't remove me from this house pronto.

I DANCE like a baby. Go figure.

I AM NOT ALWAYS quiet. I figure someone has to make some damn noise around this house.

I WRITE "Psychotropics are Good" with my spit-up when no one's looking. 

I CONFUSE Tom and my mom all the time. They're both "boobs" to me.

I NEED some freaking plain old breastmilk please.

I SHOULD start my own religion.

I START crying everytime my mom retires another pair of heels.

I FINISH my bottle of sugar water, vitamins, and goat's milk every morning. And then I spit it out at Tom - when he's home, that is.

I TAG Kingston Stefani-Rossdale and Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. Damn lucky bastards.

Sorry the tag took so long, Melissa. Thanks to Mom-101 for the inspiration.

PSAs:

*Have you read new issue of The Whole Mom yet? I'm honored to have my essay "Having it All" featured. Check it out.

*Have you signed up for Mom Ready? Free cool columns that you'll actually read (note today's lovely ditty) and tell them I sent you.

*Have you signed up for the Cool Mom Picks newsletter? Um, hello. Free stuff to be won if you do (or you can at least try to win). Once a month people. No spam.

This Meme is Gonna Get You...

Sheesh. Even Amalah did this one. It's moving like rapid fire throughout the blogosphere and alas, I've been tagged by Five lovely ladies. So, here are 6 REALLY good ones (or at least I like to think so):

1. Those were NOT a picture of my feet in the last post. I actually have really nice feet people - I've even gotten several "nice feet" as pick up lines in bars. It never worked , mainly because I'm not into women, except Angelina - maybe.

2. I used to dance with a ballet company. I could stand in a doorway on one leg with the other one on the top of the doorway. (For those of you trying to picture this, it's a big split...). I am, however, one of the clumsiest people I know.

3. I dated a Rhodes Scholar in college. He was a mennonite so he was not allowed to dance, but he could hump my leg. I always thought that at some point he would "move over." He never did. It took me way too long to figure that out.

4. Until I was about 17, I thought oral sex was when you talked doing it with your girlfriend/boyfriend. I used to look it up in the dictionary because I had a feeling that just wasn't right.

5. I was a veggie and then vegan for about 8 years. KFC broke me the first time and the 2nd time was hot dogs. I have a love/hate relationship with processed meat.

6. I have a 35 inch inseam. It's hard to find pants. And I look horrific in elastic waist ANYTHING. I really tried the whold umbros thing back in 1991. Very very bad.

Consider yourself tagged (I'm going big - plus everyone I know has already done this one):

Dooce, Alice, & BusyMom