Motherhood Uncensored

Note to self: This is why they invented the Internet

My husband and I smartened up for this recent visit from the in-laws and scheduled a much needed date night. And a few fancy drinks and an Irish car bomb later, we found ourselves scrambling around our bedroom for lube using an iPhone as a flash light and doing our best not to wake the baby who still sleeps in our closet.

Now my my drawers are usually overflowing with lube since many companies so generously offer up samples for me to try and write about on my sex column.

But apparently after the tragic foyer oil slick incident of 2011 caused by a nosy toddler and a not-so-toddler proof bottle of lube, I must have tossed them all.

Of course, that didn't occur to us when we were stumbling around in the dark, which we continued to do for long enough that if we didn't originally need lube, we did, in fact, desperately need it now.

So the next day, after waking up to a bathroom counter full of random massage oils, a sex candle (who knew?), and my long lost diva cup, I was determined to never find myself in such a desperate predicament. My solution: I'd stop at the grocery store after my dentist appointment to pick up a few things, including a bottle of lube.

A brilliant idea, in theory, except I quickly discovered that my store keeps them behind a locked glass cabinet, along with other dangerous items. Like ovulation kits. And pregnancy tests.

Now given the rarity of such debaucherous date nights, I could have probably just gone home, ordered all sorts of various lubes online, and saved myself the embarrassment of having to ask the young, attractive pharmacy tech to open up the glass cabinet.

Because if there's anything that says "I'm having THE SEX!" it's lube. I suppose it could also say "I have a masturbation habit!" or "I had four kids and it's like the Sahara down there!"

But I was hell bent on getting my lube, damnit, so much so that I boldly asked him if he had the key to the cabinet.

He nodded and headed my direction.

And then I sort of freaked out.

Do I pretend like I know what I want? Or do I peruse the various offerings?

Do I offset my purchase by grabbing a few ovulation kits?

Should I say something funny?

Damn, that KY tastes like crap. Blech.

Is that the biggest bottle you have?

It took me 2 days to get that one off my thighs.

What? No watermelon? Bummer.

I hear this one's great for anal!

Instead, I just grabbed the big bottle of Astroglide, mumbled something like "This one is water-based, right?" and walked quickly away, not looking back.

You never look back.

Then I headed straight for the self check-out line.

I may have willingly given one person a bit of entertainment at my expense, but hell if I was going to give that pleasure to yet another one.

{photo via}

The black leather shorts

It's rare that I need to dress up for anything these days. Save my annual pilgrimage to the BlogHer conference and a work trip here and there, my days and nights are spent in comfortable clothes, sometimes the same ones.

But last week, I had a work event, a party in NYC actually.

I've collected a few go-to pieces in my closet, dresses I know that fit me well, and worn so rarely that they're practically new. And I've certainly got no shortage of shoes, many of which I've only donned once or twice.

A homeschooling mom of four who works from home doesn't generally have much need for five-inch heels.

However, my 20-minute-a-day body project had been going well, I'd lost my last five-ish pounds of baby weight, and well, I felt good. So good, in fact, that I decided to break in my post-theft credit card with a few purchases.

I even called Bank of America beforehand to warn them.

After perusing through more of the same dresses, I decided that maybe I'd wear a pair of shorts, leather shorts to be exact, inspired by new found blog crush Emily from Cupcakes and Cashmere.

Let's be honest here. I'm 35. I have 4 kids. The chances of getting to wear leather shorts anywhere are pretty fleeting.

And so I took the plunge.

My legs aren't exactly strangers to being shown off, but that was many years ago, when I was young and daring, and hadn't had the weight of four pregnancies and four slingworn babies on them.

But I wore them nonetheless, with a little extra self-tanner, a fabulous pair of high heels and a slightly red lip, hoping they'd help mask the sudden burning unsuredness of my decision.

And it worked.

So did the wine.

Perhaps you won't be leaving your house in a pair of black leather shorts anytime soon. I'm not sure when I will be either.

But I think every mom needs something, even just one item, that makes them feel just like I did every time she puts it on.

No matter your size, your age, your number of kids, find your black leather shorts. A sexy bra, a new pair of underwear, that pair of heels you keep telling yourself you have no good excuse to purchase.

Then give yourself a reason to wear them. Even if it's just around your house.

Because that feeling.

Well, let me just say, it's damn good.

[Photo by Cecily]

I'm back, baby

I write other places, you know, or maybe you don't, but I'm going to take a moment to remind you. Politely of course.

At the Pioneer Woman Homeschooling, I had the great pleasure of interviewing a couple of my favorite bloggers, Molly from Mommy Coddle and Asha from Parent Hacks. You probably already know this because I've determined that everyone in the world reads Ree's blog.

You'll also find a couple of new Mominatrix columns, where I offer some very special spring cleaning tips and then have a more serious discussion about libido and anti-depressants, which I will be discussing on my sexy radio show.

You can join me for a little Naptime Nookie (catchy, huh), today at 2pm EST. It's mostly kosher (no bad language or anything you wouldn't hear on Oprah). Promise.

If you've taken (or are taking) anti-depressants, I'd love to hear your thoughts. Save two people who said they actually made their sex life better, most moms emailed or tweeted me to say basically "Oh my God me too!"

You can listen to the show but also join in by calling and/or chatting.

And if you want to leave your thoughts here (or over at my column) if you can't make it, feel free.

Here's what you missed this week

My very late but still fairly timely discussion on Katy Perry vs. Sesame Street. Is it just me or does her husband look like Elmo?

***

A sex question from a c-section mom. Funny how we run our kids to the pediatrician for a runny nose, and take an aspirin for our own headaches, but when we've got vaginal pain, many moms just sit and suffer. (Thankfully, this one dropped me an email!).

***

More on my anxious 3-year-old son WHO WILL NOT STAY IN HIS BED AT NIGHT, even for large, gigantic, expensive toys. (Yes, I'm just that desperate). And don't even get me started on Margot. (And before you leave me some assvice advice, read the post to see what's going on).

Baby? What Baby?

Yeah, so I feel all too good to be due any day now, which is slightly frightening because in my experience, you need to get to the place where you just cannot go on another day.

Cold #478 is helping that, for sure, as are my youngest two children who believe sleep is optional and visiting me at all hours of the night to say "hello!" is hilarious.

But alas, I blame the Shredheads.

At least it's giving me extra time to get some work done. And think of a baby name. (STILL DON'T HAVE ONE!).

*****

My final answer to the whole "How do we spice up our sex life?" question. It's really quite simple.

*****

Here's how we're making homeschooling work. Or at least trying to, anyway.

*****

And trying to figure out who we bless with the 2am call when my water breaks. Challenging when you don't have too many friends or family around.