Motherhood Uncensored

It was about that time

Since I seem to pop out babies every couple of years, it probably wasn't a surprise when my oldest asked me when the next baby would be arriving. 

I think I may have permanently scarred her with the look of horror on my face. 

But apparently she wasn't the only one in the house with the baby bug, which isn't exactly how my husband started out his email about why he really wanted a dog. 

This was after a whole "Hey surprise I bought a dog!" followed by my rage then a "just kidding but I really do want one and I found one look!" then my couple of "Are you fucking kidding mes?" 

We're just now getting to the point when we get a full night's sleep, and life is getting somewhat manageable and I just wanted to enjoy the chaos that is four kids and not four kids and a puppy. 

But then he sent me an email with bullet points (OH GOD THE BULLET POINTS) about how he was denied a dog growing up and how he always wanted a dog that could catch a frisbee and suddenly I was asking when we could get the puppy, the housebroken, crate-trained puppy right?, at our house RIGHT NOW. 

Then he peed on my floor, screeched in the crate, and I had a total 100% anxiety freak out complete with closed closet doors and headphones and perhaps some rocking back and forth. 

But now it's fine because he's smart (mostly) and a quick learner (mostly) and well, I'm not getting up in the middle of the night or doing more than I should. 

It didn't hurt that I suddenly had to take a trip to Austin for SXSW and New York for work. 

But hey, the kids are happy. My husband is happy. And the dog seems to know he has to prove himself with me so I get lots of snuggles and cuddles and pottying outside on command (mostly). 

And damn he's cute. 

Meet Disco.

Sugar made me an asshole

I've been off pretty much all refined sugar and grains of any kind since I tried and subsequently ditched Wellbutrin a few months ago. 

{Photo of crack. I mean, sugar. Same difference?}

Yes, I needed to lose some pounds, but really I wanted to lose the "I'm an extraordinary asshole" couple of weeks that would occur in relation to PMS and Ovulation or just being a 30-something woman apparently.  

I ain't gonna lie. The first few days were hard. As in "rabid animal about to tear shit up for some fucking cookies" hard.

It didn't help that I wasn't eating fruit either.

But it got better pretty quickly, and now save the fruit that I added back in (some raw, some dried), a bit of dark chocolate, and dark chocolate peanut butter because I'm not completely insane people (and OMG have you tasted that shit?), I survive mostly on nuts, vegetables, meat, fish, and a little cheese.

Oh, and gigantic 5 Guys hamburgers with no rolls every now and then. 

I still drink coffee. And booze (but maybe once a week at most, no beer).

And I need to drink more water. 

But I lost about 10 pounds. And generally speaking, I'm no longer an asshole. A little weepy. A lot of anxious still during my PMS week. But not nearly as bad as I was.

Like waaaaaaaaaaay not as bad. 

This all happened when I got the Paragard IUD and I started taking B-12 supplements, so I don't know if that has anything to do with anything (scientific terms there), but it's been absolutely 100% worth it. 

And the weirdest, coolest, and not so surprising part: I don't crave the carbs or the sugar at all. 

None. Nada. 

I have no plan or method or fancy-named diet or dramatic reasoning like TOXIC SUGAR! which Mark Bittman addressed in his recent New York Times column. 

Just no sugar. Mostly.

No grains.

A whole lot of will power.

{photo via}