Play with your kids like they're someone else's

One of the great pleasures of visiting New York, other that sushi delivery, is that I get to see two of my most favorite people in the whole world: Liz's girls. 

"You have six kids now!" they giggled, after we had finished a rousing game of apartment ball toss (which involves bouncing a small ball and catching it with your feet while you're sitting in a chair, if you're wondering). 

You would think that with four kids at home, I'd want to hide myself away in a quiet corner somewhere so I could hear my own thoughts. 

But that's not actually the case. There's something comforting about plopping down next to my dear friend (and business partner) and her couch and working like we would if we had an office. 

And I really do like spending time with her kids, playing with them, eating my beloved sushi while they nibble on white rice and soy sauce, and then taking way too many goofy photos on my computer. 

I'd like to think I'd play with my own kids the same way if we weren't actually in our house, the same way beloved aunts and uncles, grandmas and grandpas, even that favorite babysitter do. 

Because with having kids comes a messy house and piles of laundry and 4000 other things on your list that seem so pressing that actually playing with them and enjoying their company seems like another thing on the list. 

But when you're a guest, when there's someone else to do all that, and you can be the fun one, who pretends her legs are a tightrope for little girls to walk up. 

I've often joked that I'm a really good parent outside of my house, not just to other peoples' kids, but to my own, when the trappings of home ownership and the responsibilities of adulthood are temporarily put on hold. The phone turned off and tucked away in my purse, and the bills and  the taxes that are due and GOD WHAT DO I MAKE FOR DINNER are paused, if only for a few hours. 

And suddenly I'm no longer a spectator in my own kids' lives. 

Soon the requests for me to play tea and princess and chase will stop because they'll learn that "in a minute" actually means "never." And the things that I think are so pressing, the ridiculous minute inconsequential things (in the long scheme, of course) are more important. 

Somehow I've led myself to believe that I should be able to juggle just as well when I'm home alone as when I've got my husband home to help me, which really makes no logical sense whatsoever, as if the messy floor and unfolded laundry are some indication of failure. 

Instead of a to-do list, I'm starting a "DO RIGHT NOW" and a "WHAT CAN WAIT" list. The clothes might be more wrinkled. The floors will be less clean. 

And I'll probably still be exhausted. But from too much tea and dress-up and playing apartment ball toss with my own kids. 

Comments

[Tia]

Thanks for the reminder. Legos and monster tag will be on the agenda tonight.

[amy]

It seems to come back at ya too, when the kids are older. Or at least it has, for me, so far. The fact that my kids at 18 and 21 take time for me, I like to believe is a direct result of me doing the same.

[Sharon]

Last night I told my son I would watch a movie with him another night and he said "that means in two years". Broke my heart. It's not like I work crazy hours or have activities that take me away from home often. I am pretty much always there, just doing a million other things besides spending some one on one time. We will watch that movie tonight!

[Mom101]

And I can tell you from the mom perspective, your presence was everything you describe and more--the cool, fun, attentive aunt who my kids were begging to go home with at the end of the weekend. It was like the days of yore, with extended families on the block and the proverbial village helping raise each other's children, and I'll never forget its beauty and perfection.

Also, the crazy throw the ball on the chair game (while I duck and pray for the safety of the glass vessels on the bookshelf).

But don't sell yourself short; you jumped right in there and ordered sushi too.

[Lindsey]

You know what? My son was recently diagnosed with autism, and it feels like suddenly, I have given myself permission to sit and PLAY with him, knowing every minute I do counts.
Why can't just being a mommy be enough reason to drop everything else?

If nothing else, I'm thankful for the gift his dx has given us to spend more time together.

[Karen]

I took my own kids to the park yesterday and we played Lava Monster.

Best day ever.

[Motherhood Uncensored]

Happy to help, Cara. Thanks Amanda.
and xoxox to all of you.

[Liz]

Yes. This is exactly what I need to read. Thank you.

[Helen Jane]

I love this.
Thanks for the gentle reminder.

[Cara]

I looove reading your posts. They are so eerily in tune with my thoughts and worries and hopes/wishes/goals, but they help push me to set the latter in motion. I can't forget the astonishment and something-else-unidentifiable look on my neighbor's face, after I brought over my 2-year old (who looves playing with all the fun toys she has for both her 9-month-old baby girl and 3.5 yr-old son) and somehow corralled her son into "fishing" for salmon and trout and tuna in their plastic wading pool, using dead Xmas tree limbs for both our poles and the fish (verrry tricky fish to catch). Something about my neighbor's look + our ensuing convo told me she would have never thought of this "game," but I can assure you, I don't think this game would have occurred to me with my own daughter at our house, either. It is absolutely looking around at the piles everywhere in my home, and being so overwhelmed, and that feeling for me crowds out the "let's have fun and drink tea for 5 minutes and not 30 seconds." Which I'm feeling more intensely as my daughter (2 years!!) ages so quickly and this baby-on-the-way grows bigger and bigger. A-hem. But: action, I like it. Thanks :)

[Amanda]

I just finished a rousing game of, "You be the mom and we'll be the babies coming out of your tummy." It didn't last super long, but it sated us all. I think the thing to keep in mind is that the novelty we have for friend's kids isn't necessarily sustainable with our own.

You've been a little hard on yourself lately, I guess all I am saying is that if you parent like I cook, little bit of this, little bit of that, I don't have that, shrug, guess I'll try this. Everyone will be just fine.
xo

[Julie Marsh]

This made me smile, thinking of the past weekend with my own girls. Just the three of us, overnight an hour from home, with no electronics for them, and plenty of time and space to focus on each other.

Thanks for the reminder to focus when we're at home too.