I went to a Christmas Party and all I got was a midget blow-up doll

Last week I spent 3 glorious days in Disney World, which sounds completely counterintuitive to everything in my body because roller coasters, large turkey legs, and weirdos dressed up like Winnie the Pooh are not my idea of awesome, but I was alone with Margot and had a special press fast pass that meant no lines ever. 

About every other minute she'd grab my hand and say "Just you and me, Mom" and then I'd melt and buy her another Barbie-looking Disney princess doll to the point where we came home with a whole harem. 

Upon my return I was greeted with my mother-in-law, who had agreed to come down because my husband had to work, and we figured since she was here, we'd take advantage of her services (which I hear included candy, cinnamon buns and "3 hours of video game playing in a row SHE DIDN'T EVEN CARE, MOM!) and hit his Christmas party as well, which would mean I'd have to race home, grab some clothes, jewelry, and make-up, and drive 2-hours south to the party.

Now let me be clear: I really don't like Christmas parties, especially ones that involve the military, because usually it's a bunch of drunk white guys calling the female serves "hon" and "oh hey Mrs. MYHUSBANDSLASTNAMEMAKESMYBLOODBOIL," guffawing over sex toys and lube at the white elephant gift exchange.

And surprise, that's exactly what happened, except we got to stay in a hotel afterwards and sleep-in completely uninterrupted until 8:30am. 

{Note: A part of me dies inside every time I say "sleep-in until 8:30am"}

So, I figured that I could survive Quinlan bawling her eyes out to me about how her grandmother is just like her father (ack), and my mother-in-law saying something like "stop your nastiness" to my son as I tried to desperately pack up a few things. 

I gave her an iPod Touch to text me, I told my son to put his imaginary earmuffs on, and I shot out the door. 

Quinlan's first text, aw! 

And I was on track to make it there in time until I realized that I had driven about an hour in the wrong direction, which is awesome when you're relying on Apple Maps and the way you went doesn't actually have any sort of short cut remedy other than turning around and going back the way you came. 

But hey, at least I had pretty new shirts from Nordstrom that OH SHIT MOTHERFUCKER had all the security tags left in. Surely not all three shirts I bought could have the tags left in because that would be OH SHIT MOTHERFUCKER. 

Dude. All of them. EVERY single shirt had the security tag (the non-screamer tags I later learned). 

I rocked the jewelry though, yo.

So yes, yes, I went to the party with a security tag tucked into my skirt, peeking out the side like a gigantic goiter, but considering I'd just be sitting and tossing back vodka tonics while I flipped off the Secret Santa host for telling my husband to send his wife up to get a gift, who really cares about the giant security tag hanging off your shirt? 

And really, no one was looking at me because the chick at my table reapplying mascara without a mirror while we all ate our chicken cutlets and pudding was way more entertaining.

We topped off the evening at a bar where you can still smoke and a guy wearing a sweater vest with Christmas lights.

So not joking about the dude.

But hey, we slept until 8:30am with no children anywhere near our person. And I won a midget blow-up doll, which my husband was none to pleased about. 

3 love openings of pleasure, y'all 

"At least we can now drive semi-legally in the HOV lane!" I told him. 

What's that saying? Always look on the bright side of the blow-up doll? 

Comments

[Lady M]

Octopus! Love the jewelry.

[Victoria Mason]

That ring is fantastic!!! I saw one just like it on Fab.com. Each time I see one but then I realize I would probably shove it in people's faces yelling, "Release the Kracken!" and I would no longer have any friends.

[mom101]

I want to be your date next year? Can I? Can I? It seems in that crowd that if Doug showed up with two it would be totally fine.

We could even bring the doll and make it a foursome.

[Dawn @ thedalaimama]

Love the blow-up doll. I bought that same doll (along with some midgit porn) for a co-work years ago (seems like a lifetime ago) as a joke secret santa/white elephant gift. It was the hit of the party.

[Vicky]

Love Quinlan's first text. Glad that you started that method of communication...it will serve you well! My daughter is now 17, and that is a prime method for communication between the two of us.
And, word to the wise from a FL resident....those aren't turkey legs, they're emu.
Great post!

[Bill]

How could he not like the midget blow up doll? She has 3 love openings of pleasure. WHAT MORE DOES HE WANT?