Because I don't want to

This weekend we drove down to my husband's Reserves base for Family Day, which involved tours of big airplanes, only two weather-related freak outs by my son, and 10 minutes in a blazing hot bouncy castle. 

And a spouse flight, which I didn't go on, and hadn't really thought much about until a friend of my husband's asked me why I wasn't on the plane. 

"Because I didn't want to," I told him, trying to think of a better, funnier answer. The fact that I had "slept" horizontally at the foot of a sofa bed that two of my kids were sleeping didn't help. 

But it was better than telling him that the idea of being attached to an open plane with a vest and strap that went around my undercarriage wasn't super appealing. 

And that I'd be suffering for days with a hemorrhoid flare up of epic proportions so sitting on a flat metal bench and squeezing my ass cheeks together out of complete fear sounded like complete torture. 

Well, and that I just didn't want to. 

He seemed surprised that I didn't give him a long winded explanation, which most people do, including me, and what usually involves some level of oversharing, at least on my part, anyway.

 Then he chuckled and replied "That's the nice thing about being an adult, isn't it?" 

And you know, he was right.

And that certainly doesn't just apply to spouse flights. 

I've been thinking a lot lately about all the things I do on a daily basis, many of which I'm absolutely required to do, for my own survival and my kids' survival.  

But there is a lot that I do that I really don't have to do. And I'm not even really sure why I do it. 

I'm sure you could think of a few things yourself. Maybe more than a few. 

I know that I can.

And then I wonder that if I wasn't doing those things, what could I really be doing? The time and energy and space in my brain that I barely have to spare these days could be freed up to perhaps do things that I like to do. 

And actually want to do.

The ability that we have to do what we want, even if it's just for a few minutes every day, is something we should really cherish. Isn't that why we wanted to grow up? So we could do what we wanted without anyone breathing down our necks, telling us where to be and when. 

We're free! And yet, we're still weighed down. 

There is power in saying "no." (Or "No thank you" if you have manners). And there's not guilt or shame in doing so, no matter how much someone else thinks you should or could or WILL REALLY REGRET NOT DOING IT. 

I'll be okay. Promise. 

Because sometimes just not wanting to do something is a good enough reason not to do it. 

And it's just as simple as that. 

Comments

[Tiny]

Love your outlook!! My old excuse for not doing a stuffy, snotty dinner with the in-laws was because I was tired, worked late, had a headache. The next excuse is "because I'd rather do anything else". Like sit on the couch and catch up on Nick Jr with my kids. You know, the important stuff. :)

[Lisa]

I really need to remember this in my own life! There have been so many times I say yes or agree to do something simply because I felt like I should, not because I actually wanted to. Thanks for the reminder! :)

[Rochelle]

Right on damn it! :)

[jeu de voiture en ligne]

Grea article! Thanks!

[Wendy]

Right on, sister! I just quit the PTA after two years of doing a job week after week after week that didn't bring me any pleasure AT ALL. I got no personal satisfaction from it, I had to deal with a pushy jerk parent regularly and my son didn't even know that I was doing it (it was all computer based) so he often asked me why I didn't volunteer for the PTA. A few people are trying to guilt me into staying in the position still, but even so I feel great to have this awful time-suck off my to do list.

[Karen (Submommy)]

I say no. Regularly. I know my limits. I take on too much, e.g., 18 thousand school volunteer projects, and I end up on the losing end of life satisfaction.

[Kace]

I'm reminded of a favorite quote from a college lit class. The prof was tangentially discussing Melville's story "Bartleby the Scrivener," whose standard reply to multiple requests was "I would prefer not to."

There's quite a bit of power in that simple statement!

On a related note as you're reconsidering your priorities is another line from that class by Auntie Mame, "Life's a banquet and most poor sonsabitches are starving to death."

Jeez, can you tell it was a Transcendental Lit class? ;)

[anon]

I often take this approach to the extreme ( according to my husband - it makes me immature.

And maybe I am. But setting absolutely unnecessary goals for yourself.. Such as "I HAVE to visit the in-laws three times a week" and then getting annoyed because you're seeing them too often, wait - that doesn't sound so immature anymore.

Thanks for this post!

[Amanda]

This is so true. The other day the girls were pelting me with more requests/demands/cries-for-help than usual, I mean it felt like a hazing. I started to do the thing where I explain which I'll do first and to please be patient. But I didn't.

I said no.

No one died. No one cried. And after I did it I took a deep breath. I never knew I could just say no.

[Sarahviz]

I absolutely agree with you. And I especially feel strongly about this because my in-laws are the exact opposite - they are people-pleasers who only do what others want them to do, never taking into account what they would actually LIKE to do. So I'm around it, I see it, and I can't stand it and I try to live the opposite, only doing the things that I want/need/should do, screw what everyone else thinks.