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July 09, 2012

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Reading this woefully late. I'm here b/c I was thinking about you, your kids, fun times together and how much I'd love to see you, so next best thing is a long overdue blog visit.

Whatever is happening, know that we are all living complicated, 50-80% unspoken lives, and that you are NOT alone, even though you may not be able to talk out loud right now. And that phone calls to your blog friends are a revelation b/c you CAN talk out loud, no Google in sight. xo

I'm sorry that you've been living in your head recently. I know how it feels. Does this mean I won't be seeing your smiling (okay: snarky) face in NYC in two weeks?

I know I'm totally late to the 'good things' party, but my teenager left for camp on Saturday... so we partied like grown-ups all weekend. She called on Sunday evening (said she bought a 1 hour calling card)to tell us that she's dirty and they'll only let her take one shower a day, and that most of her clothes are already wet. Am I going to hell because the first thing I thought when she said she bought a one hour calling card was 'do I have to talk to you for an hour?'! I DIDN'T SAY IT, just thought it

Ugh, throwing stuff away is my biggest problem. It's just hard to let go of things sometimes even if they're not important. Not sure why...

I can't say anything to make you feel better either. I overheard a conversation that involved blueberries and farts today so that's my life. It is pretty much like yours.

I think things are going along swimmingly and then BAM! I'm in a funk, my spouse tells me he is still unhappy and I don't know what the hell to do differently. Oh wait! Then he's fine. I can't keep up.

Seriously- vent to me in email. I'm good for it. Tracey is right- you are a strong woman. It just sucks being the strong one all the time.

I'll buy you a drink in NYC in August.

I am so sorry for you and your mother. End of life - GOD I HATE THAT PHRASE - is never easy on anyone. You and your mother are in my thoughts.

Hope all is well with your Mom and you. Things will get better. I think it's just those things of cyclical ups and downs. At least that's what I try to tell myself when I'm down.

Something funny to tell you is I thought I was pregnant. Which would be hysterical, considering I have a 15 year history of infertility, all three of our kids are from infertility treatments, I'm on Seasonique, so I should be on birth control that works. But I'm 41, working to finish potty training our 3-year-old twins so we should be finished with diapers forever, and just enrolled in an Executive MBA program that starts in August. This would be the time to finally fall accidentally pregnant, right? But I'm not. Found out today. I thought it was the funniest thought ever though. And proving the thought wasn't just a crazy lady thought, DH thought the same thing. We compared notes today, LOL!

I can so relate to what you're talking about. And lately I have felt like life is kind of falling apart. And it sucks, but I'm managing. And I started going to yoga because although it can't cure everything - I like that hour of my day a lot.
And I'm determined that when I walk into my studio I will let go of the stress and just be there (such yoga talk).
Yesterday I walked in, I'd changed from my work clothes, washed my face and felt kind of like a scrub.
And the teacher (who I kind of idolize) stopped me and said "I've noticed lately that you are glowing. Whatever you are doing, keep doing it."
I actually said "me????"
And she said "yep"
This may seem minor to everyone but me, but in my life it seemed huge :)
Hang in there. I read you all the time, and I've been thinking about you a lot.

I mistakenly typed "motherhooduncensored . COM" instead of "motherhooduncensored . NET" and ended up at a porn site for a few seconds.

Minutes.

Fine, hours.

Katie R-G: love the fact that you giggle about your husband's sore balls. When my husband had a vasectomy 2 years ago and said we were "even" for my child bearing, I told him that if he gets it done twice more without freezing, THEN we'd be even for me birthing 3 kids naturally. He has yet to go back... LOL
Today is my oldest and youngest children's birthday, yes they share a birthday. They are 11 and 4 and so funny and wonderful it makes me cry. My mother isn't maternal at all and our relationship is strained, but your thought about my mom possibly loving me as much as I love my kids was the loveliest thought of my day. Take care of yourself and your mom, we're thinking about you.

I fall down my own holes pretty regularly, and it's usually this time of year. I'm not sure what it is or what the impetus is, but I know that I begin to feel isolated and overly self-aware.

So, reaching out is what I've learned makes the difference as to how deep a hole I end up in. Connecting with people I love and who love me in my real life, and who buoy me so I float instead of sink.

Call your posse.

In other news....I lost 10 pounds and we got a hot tub. Woohoo.

I'm having my tonsils out. The pain is going to suck, but there is the benefit of being healthy in the long run, and I get to take two weeks off from work! I'm hoping I can be undrugged enough to do some closet organization that will make the transition to Kindergarten easier for us.
Also, I've lost 26 pounds. I haven't started shredding yet, but my commitment to being healthy has a lot to do with you and the Shredheads. I still benefit from the relationships I started back then. Thank you!

I'm pregnant!

Good news..my husband had a vasectomy last Thursday. He's been whining about his balls since and I just giggle. I've had three c sections and just can't bring myself to feel sorry. Does that make me terrible? Any way, my middle kid is starting to show interest in potty training and pooped on the toilet all by herself. High five on that!!

Butt hives made me smile!

Happy stuff: My teenager and I talk and laugh together every day, even though a friend has been telling me once a year for the past 3 years now, "How old is she now? Ohhh, this is the year it gets bad and they start hating you." My bills are paid. I've got food in my belly. I have air conditioning and clean water. My cat pooped after not pooping for 4 days.

I have broken out in hives. On my butt. And I have had to degrade myself by having my husband rub anti-itch lotion on my butt (and inner thighs) in the morning. Its like a really pathetic connect-the-dots.

Not funny. Or good. But sometimes another person's butt hives is worth at least a half-smile.

I'm not sure that I'm going to be able to be helpful at all. I have much to say and yet, I just can't do it. Soemthings just don't need to be online I suppose. It stops me from blogging, commenting and even tweeting to a degree.

I hope life gets better for you soon.

I'll give you one thing that made me happy. I changed my kids pediatrician and we saw her for the first time today. (Bailey's 8 year check up. Early for once!) Instead of harping on her weight (4th percentile) or height, she praised her for the 3 pounds she has gained and the 2 inches she did grow. It's not much, yet it makes me happy. I don't need my kids having a weight complex, even thought it's that they are underweight.

I'm in the same boat. I've been stuck in this damn boat for a long time now, and I'm tired of paddling and getting no where. But I just can't spill my guts the way I want to and have it permanently immortalized on the Google. I just can't.

Sigh.

But. In the good news department, Knox finally learned ONE single sign language sign. MORE. He wants MOAR everything. And he'd clearly consistent and cognizant of it's meaning. MOAR EVERYTHING NOW MOM!

Also, I ran 7 km. And my back didn't break or implode or crumble. So there. Good news. Ish.

Love to you.

I wish I had some kick ass news to share with you but my life has been pretty status quo lately. Haven starts preschool next week - which I am equally thrilled and nervous about. I ran a pretty decent Peachtree race last week and I've mustered up a modicum of self control and lost 10 lbs since you last saw me. But all of that mediocre info is just an excuse to tell you how much I have been thinking of you these last few weeks. I can't imagine how overwhelming it's everything has been, but your strength and your humor in the face of it all has been nothing short of amazing. And in the midst of it all you've written some of your best posts (I loved Daughter Hat & Parachute!)So just hang in there hot mama - and write again when it feels right to you.

Thank you all. Even your little bit of good news is cheering me up.

I've seen your tweets Bill and it's awesome.
Julie, that is INDEED reason to celebrate. Same for you Jen.

And potty training is always worth a WHOO! ladies.

Thank you Laurie. Thank you.

You are one helluva strong woman. It will be okay. xo

Big hugs to you, Kristen. My good news is like Amanda's. My daughter is potty trained! Oh, also, it's in the low 80s here instead of 95+ for the first time in a week. Nothing mind blowing, but sometimes it's the little things...

There will be better days.

Hmm, maybe it's a lunar cycle, because I feel this. Deeply.

What to say, what to say...

I am maybe, almost, kind of coming to grips with this shawl of shoulder, back, neck and front acne. Like tattoos without the color. Sort of. No, actually, no, not ok with it.

Forgive yourself the funk and maybe find a different place to write or accept that kids are going to know things. Perhaps there is value in them one day knowing how you felt in these moments, rather than in the way you address it decades later.

Peace. Go for a run and sweat some of the hurt out.

Hugs.

I'm feeling shitty too, mostly because I feel like I can't be *myself* - I've got to be who others want me/expect me to be. So I'm closing myself off, again, and it just sucks. And, of course, that means I really, really want a drink.

I crushed my PR at yesterday's tri, which is my only happy news, but I don't even feel much like celebrating that.

I am in a very similar place, unable to write about very difficult topics, for a variety of reasons, and it just feels so unnatural to me now. I felt bad about it this weekend, that I'm no longer comforted by journaling, or protected posts, that I seem to need the interaction with people about very private things to help me process it faster and most effectively.

That sounds so weird, but it's just true.

Anyway, that is just how things feel for now, so meanwhile I draft shitty blog posts about other things, and hit publish on stuff that doesn't make me feel great but at least keeps me in the practice.

What makes me happy? That you put these words down here, because I know how it feels and I know it's an important part of the process of getting back to where you're writing about other things. Also, that I went to bed feeling really weighted down by sadness last night, and today I knew who to go to for help and now, I feel better. Not great, but better, and I see possibility where just ten hours ago I saw a much longer bummer of a road. At least I have a vague plan to go back to yoga tonight, which I've been blowing off for six months, and I took care of some little tasks that I'd been procrastinating on, including going in the real, actual bank. For some reason these two things combined are more reassuring than anything that's happened in a long time. (Also I am reminded that reaching out even when I don't have the right words yet is what allows my friends to be there for me. The control freak in me hates this, but the woman who needs help knows I need it so much I have to suck it up.)

Oh hey, I just wrote you a book. Sorry. ;) We're out here for you.

The good news: My half birthday was this weekend. Now I can start rounding up to 46, because that is what cancer does to a grown-up: It makes you happy to have birthdays.

Does it wipe out all the bad stuff, however seemingly trivial, you know, after CANCER? Nah.

That's the stuff that makes us who we are. Without that, we are all the same -- a blank slate. And that would be boring.

So whatever you won't write, at least acknowledge it to yourself. Say it out loud and repeat it. Let it be there, because there's no right or wrong to to the felt sense that is below everything else. Just be with them, even when you can't share them, and you'll continue to make yourself the fabulously wonderful person you are.

I started potty training my 2 yr old daughter last Thursday. The first few days? HELL. The last two days? Not so awful! I haven't been hit or spit on! I've only done 6 loads of laundry instead of 12.

It may not sound super happy, but it is to me!

Hugs!

It's really only good news to me, but I'm actually eating right again (I'm staying honest with the help of something called Shredheads...have you heard of it? LOL). It feels good to have control over that once again. I wish I could return the favor and help you out of your funk...let me know if there's anything I can do.

I get it, so much. And I hope it gets easier and better for you asap. I do appreciate the what you should save post because we're getting ready to move and I don't even know where to start.

Hugs-
Steph

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