PMS - aka Please Make it Stop

Between hormones and lack of sleep, I have about one good week of normal mood patterns. 

And by normal I mean bearable. 

Barely. 

And that's if I'm exercising regularly, eating well, and not alone with my kids for more than three days in a row. 

So really, I have one or two really good days on a consistent basis. Out of 30. 

I'm no mathematician but that seems to be a really terrible percentage. 

In past years, I've been able to handle myself with little breaks, deep breathing, and sleep. Some shopping (shoes, not clothes, so I don't stab myself in the dressing room), a little booze. 

And there were fewer kids. 

And Legos. 

I swear those teeny tiny things will be the end of any sanity I have left. 

But now it's almost out-of-control.

I'm not pulling a Joan Crawford or anything, but I'm crabby and snippy, magnified times about 400 if something sets me off. 

Heads are being bitten off and spit out. 

And I'm anxious. Like "did I leave the iron on OMG I LEFT THE IRON ON even though I haven't ironed in 4 years I BETTER CALL TO HAVE MY HUSBAND TURN OFF THE AUTOMATIC OFF IRON" anxious. 

Then a few minutes, or hours, later I get to look back at myself with embarrassment and shame as I sit atop my pile of regret and guilt followed by the negative self talk that sounds like a kid's book. 

I'm a terrible, horrible, no-good very bad mother. I think I'll move to Australia. 

I'm not quite sure what the solution is but I'm willing to try anything. I've been eating better, exercising regularly, turning off in the evenings. 

Drinking less, socializing more. 

And hoping that my kids remember the days where I am the nice, funny, and an all-around good person I'd like to be always.

Comments

[Barbara]

We livein a state that does not reconize post partum depression and it is so hard to get any help for this ailment so sorry you have had a hard time but be blessed

[Ninotchka]

Loved your piece on mom.me (it popped up on the AOL homepage) (did I just admit I still have an AOL account?) (yes, yes I did). That is precisely what happened to me after my 3rd. PMDD on top of postpartum adjustment. Double-whammy. I was also kind of nuts during that pregnancy. Anyway, I went the natural route for a while but the risk of missing a day of working out, or missing a vitamin dose (of like TEN different ones) and becoming immediately unhinged again a la The Incredible Hulk wasn't worth it. The low dose SSRIs have helped stabilize my mood greatly (and they have not changed my personality, that's hogwash). They have, however, made me gain weight. Being a highly active person and also stupidly vain & insecure about body image my entire life, I had trouble dealing with that at first but I've had to let it go. I'm active, healthy and NOT INSANE for the better part of a month. I can deal with being pleasantly plump or, as I like to call it, "relatable." However, I have many a friend who have, quite unfairly, NOT gained weight on them so don't let that scare you.

Best of luck, to you!

PS some of the comments on that post are unbelievable. WTF is wrong with people?

[Kristen Mae]

Me too. The other day I told a spoon to fuck off. Right after calling a crayon a motherfucker. *sigh*

[Matt]

Nice way of thinking... great post

[Tana]

Thanks for writing this, it rings very true for me. I haven't found a solution yet but like you, I'm looking. I hope the doctor helps.

[Ade]

This is exactly how I've been feeling lately. Literally word for word you have described my life! Thank you!

[Marta]

Sigh. I so now how it goes. Especially then the guilt. I'm currently dieting and thus am so freaking hungry when I get home from work. Thus until mommy gets some vegetables in her (sadly no sweet succulent pizza) she is VERY grumpy!

[Alyssa S]

I was just going to say, perhaps you need to see your doc. My "monthlys" were out of control and I was dead tired all the time and cranky. I found out I was hypothyroid and had a serious vitamin D deficiency. Since getting on Synthroid and vitamin D supplements, my energy is back, my periods are back to normal and I FEEL better, which totally improved my overall attitude.

[Rachel @ Rediscovering the Kitchen]

I recently discovered that potatoes and chocolate were making me into... well, frankly a bitch. I have come off them and my mood is so much better! My husband notices the difference more from the potatoes, he says I don't snap nearly as much, but internally I notice the biggest difference from the chocolate. It makes me feel depressed, disconnected from the world, despondent, no hope. Life without it is much sweeter. (And I love chocolate. Damn.)

Previously I had to stop the pill entirely because it made me depressed to the point of being suicidal.

I hope your doctors can find the problem! If not, keep pushing, you don't have to feel this way.

[Motherhood Uncensored]

Thank you thank you, everyone!. I actually made a doctor's appt for tomorrow (then bawled in the car feeling terrible that I hadn't done it sooner and saved everyone from the monthly beast). I'll let you know how it goes. xo

[Jenny]

Thank you for this. Words to my feelings. It's hard to imagine this is what it should be like, but also hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Take comfort in not being alone. xoxo

[sweetney]

Yeah, umm, feeling this. And sadly I can say that once you hit 40, the whole mood swings thing takes a downward-spiral-like turn for the worse.

There's always booze, right?

[Carrie]

What is the evolutionary advantage of going completely insane one week of every month? I know why I get bone-crazy when I ovulate, but the rage stumps me.

I can only be so objective because I am pregnant and enjoying the relative hormonal peace.

[Titania Jordan]

I would just like to say thank you for posting this, as I've been a little freaked out about my ability to go from zero to cast member of the SNL "Annuale" skit in about 2 seconds flat. It's not something I'm proud of, but I'm confident that my son will remember me as a loving, attentive mother and not a crazy fire-breathing monster. Anxiety sucks. Sounds like you are doing all the right things to try and combat it. You are a rock star mom who is accomplishing great things while raising 4 children. I don't know how you do it. Let's go shoe shopping soon.

[Rachel Blaufeld]

with you 100% - I feel like a good mom about 2% of the time and the other 98%, I am the homework and vegetable police with severe anxiety about everything going wrong.

I have tried cutting out coffee and junk food and well, my wine - but then I am just more miserable.

I am really looking forward to menopause - not.

[J from Ireland]

Ok if you have tried lots of ways to relieve your anxiety and it hasn't worked maybe a low dose of anti-depressants would help. This have eased my anxiety a great deal and I am actually a much nicer person to my kids and to myself especially.

[Jen]

For me, I stopped taking the pill, b/c it gave me permanent PMS, even tried different kinds. I still have my moments but it is MUCH better without the pill messing with my hormones.

[Amy]

I understand 100% and you really are doing a great job. My anxiety and subsequent head-biting-off was getting totally out of control post-partum after my first child (not only did I leave the iron on, but someone was going to break into the house and STEAL MY BABY!!! So I would stay up all night to keep watch... yikes.) and I went on Effexor. Changed. My. Life. I have an awesome Ob/gyn and I've actually stayed on it through subsequent pregnancies (because when stopped for the first trimester, anxiety beyond control and ob keeps telling me anxious mommies, anxious babies.) My point is it also really helped with the head biting off and the I'm-a-terrible-mom-I-hope-they-don't-remember-this stuff. Not to push medications but you really are doing an awesome job and if I had this 10 years ago my whole life would be different! I love your writing, always feel better after reading, but I feel like a "lurker" because I never comment, so I just wanted to mention something that really helped me so much. Keep your head up, your kids really will remember all you did for them, and will understand the head-biting when they have their own! Then they will be calling you for advice! ;)

[Maria @pluslily]

You said everything I would have said... except i have ONE kid and i feel like that! and yes I am having a horrible no good day and I will move to australia..and eat worms!

[Ann at Mundane Magic]

Well, I have improved my quality of life by having a uterine ablation. No more yucky surprises complicating bad days and I get to keep the iron for my own self. I highly recommend it.

[Cayla]

Haha! This sounds like me... and I haven't even started my cycle back yet from having my baby a month ago... I have an 18 month old and my one month old. Both boys. Combined with those 2 and my sweetheart, I'm the only woman in the house and i get pissed at the simple fact that none of them have to (or ever have to) go through the things that I do. I'm always pissed off. Or sad. Or incredibly happy. I thing I may be manic-depressive. Or just a normal woman. (But really, women aren't normal anyway, so who the fuck knows, right?)

[My Little Otter]

You sound like me. I have a helper for my Etsy shop come in the afternoons and I swear, a few times I think he's going to call his Mom to come intervene when I'm about to lose it on my children.

(Granted, must they fight/whine/complain about everything?)

I have realized our days are worse (we homeschool, too) when I try to fit too much in-- especially if I try to go out in the AM (look! fun mom!).

Every single night I promise myself to do better. I say that knowing something is wrong is the first step in figuring it all out.

(Also? I remind myself that thinking you're a bad mom and wanting to be better? It probably means you're doing OK.)

[Sanstrousers]

They'll remember the good you. They have to. Otherwise, mine won't, either. And then I'm screwed when it's nursing home time.

[Karen]

I hate this feeling. You know it's coming, lurking, and yet you're totally powerless to stop it. And then, out it comes, and you stand there thinking, "what the hell just came over me?"

I've started warning my husband, "this is the week. FYI."

The pill might help. I had good luck (mood-wise) with Ortho-tricyclen.

[Lisa]

And I thought I was the only one. For the record, a bad mother is one who doesn't care. The fact that you agonize over not being the mother you think you should be is a clear indication that you're a great mother-- who maybe needs a massage.

[yasmara]

I switched my birth control pill a few months ago after begging my OBGYN for something that would help PMS. New pill = SO MUCH BETTER. I have PCOS, so it's good for me to be on the pill anyway - cuts down on ovarian cysts.

[Nicole]

I've been pregnant for three years, I miss PMS...