I've done plenty of oversharing when it comes to the post-partum vagina. In fact, I'm the #1 natural Google Search for "post partum vagina."
My mom would be so proud.
I admit I've expressed my disgruntlement with the changes that happen to it after having a baby, though contrary to what you might have inferred from my posts, my vagina was not ruined by childbirth.
My asshole. Well, that's a different story.
Indeed, it's a bit depressing when you're convinced that your favorite tampon company somehow changed their design because you can't seem to keep them in.
That's why they made the Clitoris. Kegels. And the Diva Cup. (Or so I'm told).
But look, if dudes had babies, we would never heard the end of it. They'd be talking about how big their vagina stretched over Thanksgiving Dinner, and comparing c-section scars at a work dinner party.
'Vacuum? They had to use the forceps!" Cue hi-fives and fist bumps.
There would t-shirts and bumper stickers.
"My vagina can kick your vagina's ass."
We would never hear the end of how amazing they are.
But unfortunately that's not the case, and society does everything it can to make the evidence of childbirth on women disappear.
Perky boobs, perfect skin, thin hips.
And so we do our best to follow suit, buying all sorts of stretch mark lotions, body slimmers, and push-up bras because we're programmed to believe that it's sexy to not look like you've had kids.
But just because women give birth every day doesn't discount how fucking unbelievable it is.
The ugly c-section scars. The streaky red stretch marks.
The vagina that might not be as tight as it used to be.
When you think about it, we've got nothing to be embarrassed about. In fact, we should be pretty fucking proud of what we've accomplished.
I don't think we'll de-program people anytime soon. And I do like to keep my stretched-out bubble gum nipples firmly tucked in a slightly padded bra.
And my ass in Spanx every now and then.
So when I hear about how badass some people are for jumping out of planes and hang-gliding off cliffs, I just remind myself that I had four babies.
Yeah, my vagina. Total badass.