I realize that as much time I spend with men, there are many aspects of their behavior I will always find mysterious.
The ball grabbing. Because they might just disappear without you knowing!
The half-assery. Why put a bowl in the sink when you can just leave it right next to the sink!
The stupid comments. Because when did telling me my ass looked bigger ever get you laid?
And even though I think women are pretty easy to read, I realize that women have their own mystique that the male species will never quite understand.
I mean, if getting dirty underwear into an actual basket is hard, then I understand that women with enormous amounts of hormones running through our body that affect them physically and emotionally can be confusing. Mind boggling.
So I figure, why not provide a handy primer to assist my male readers in living with female hormones.
If you can keep track of a NCAA Basketball bracket, your NFL Fantasy Football team, or your balls, then this should be a no-brainer.
1. Female hormones generally make a surge for the same amount of weeks you have children.
1a. Or on every other Tuesday and 3rd Friday.
1b. Or when you're being an asshole.
2. Flowers make everything better.
2a. Except not those fucking flowers.
2b. They can also indicate that you've done something that requires forgiveness.
2c. Just sayin'.
3. Time alone can be therapeutic.
3a. It can also say that you think she's not a good enough mother and needs to have her children taken away from her.
4. Copious amounts of chocolate helps.
4a. Except when you buy it for her.
4b. That just means you think she's a fat ass.
4c. You seriously think your wife is a fat ass? What an asshole.
5. Hormones can make a woman extremely horny. Or bitchy.
5a. If you can't tell the difference, try grabbing her boob.
5b. Hahaha. Idiot.
6. Weepiness is inevitable.
6a. This is not, however, a come on.
6b. But it could lead to sex if you play your cards well.
6c. There are no rules to that card game.
6d. Only that it does not involve actual cards.
6e. Unless you're a kinky bastard.
7. Booze and coffee can exascerbate hormonal symptoms.
7a. They can also make help them.
7c. Depending on the woman.
7d. Or the kind of booze or coffee.
8. Bloating is normal.
8a. That doesn't mean you should point it out.
8b. Or empathize that you feel the same way when you drink too much beer or eat beans.
8c. Or ask for a blow job.
9. Her face make break out.
9a. No, it doesn't make her feel better to tell her it makes her look young.
9b. Or show her the zits on your back in solidarity.
9c. Or tell her that you don't notice them.
10. Prescription medication is available.
10a. You'll need it.