Mommy laid an egg

As a parent, using the bathroom alone is a luxury.

I'm not sure why it's so surprising since you give up your right to privacy when you have kids.

What, you didn't know that was what you were signing when you left the hospital?

And if you're like me, you adapted pretty quickly, with the bathroom door suddenly lock-free and revolving. No quiet respite to catch up on emails or flip through an old catalog.

Hell, I'm lucky if I get a private wipe.

Then your kids get old enough to acknowledge their sense of smell, which miraculously sends them running but not without some sort of embarrassing comment that ends in a chorus of "Ew gross!" by small, ungrateful children who, as I remind them, used to sit in their own crap BY THE WAY.

But during that week, I tend to be a little more discreet than usual, which is easier in a house with four bathrooms than it is in a small condo with one, which was the case this past week on our family ski vacation when my son walked in after I had just done the desperate tampon search and rescue.

Don't tell me you've never done it because you, like me, had the one friend who accidentally put a tampon in with a tampon already in which then got stuck except she didn't know and it started to smell and hurt and then the doctor had to tell her that it was an old tampon that was rotting inside her vagina and now you can never change a tampon without replaying that entire story in your head even though you don't even need a string to get a tampon out anymore.

I digress.

So that is perfectly fine (or at best, relatively fine, mostly ridiculous) when you can lock a bathroom door, but when your son walks in, well, it's mildly upsetting.

"MOM, YOU'RE BLEEDING FROM YOUR HEINEY!" he screeched.

Maybe "mildly" was putting it a little lightly.

"Vagina" I corrected him, as I bumbled around, then offering to explain it to him after he shut the door, much to my husband's audible disdain, which was actually less complicated and more comfortable than I expected.

He stared at me while I gave him the Emergency Menstruation Talk: Version 5-Year Old Boy with an expression of horror and fascination which is much like how I imagine my face looks when I'm watching a UFC match when someone is getting the shit pounded out of them and you don't want to watch but yet you just can't flip the channel.

Or Hoarders.

I asked him if he had any questions and he shook his head, slowly backing out of the bathroom, watching me as if I might pull a dancing rabbit out of my armpit next.

Then he turned around and yelled "MOMMY LAID AN EGG IN THE TOILET! LIKE A CHICKEN!" which then sent all my kids running in.

Imagine their disappointment when they didn't see an actual egg in the toilet.

And my evil grin when I served them eggs for breakfast.

 

Comments

[Jason Kidd]

If you have turbine,you will not put it down. http://monsterbeatsstudio.us

[terri]

This reminds me of when i brought my 2 1/2 year old in to work. I was on a sales call and she opened my drawer, pulled out a tampon and said "bye mommy, I have to go potty" . She then tore down the hall with the tampon waiving over her head. I was able to tackle her half floor away. But i lost the sale.

[a Book for My Daughter]

This post cracked me up. My kids are 11 and 7, and MOST of the time—now that they are older—I lock the door. I somehow made it through those younger years without being caught in the act, and having to have the conversation you describe here. The only time I keep it unlocked is when I'm in the shower. There is nothing worse than having a screaming kid pounding on the door as you are in the middle of lathering your hair. Thanks for sharing!

[Becca]

At the age of 10,my daughter had her period already. And her siblings(2 boys) once saw her short once with red.Since then they always annoy her that she is peeing
blood.

[Anna]

I was trying to brush my teeth the other day before getting dressed (in the nude), and my 1.5 year old almost got a hold of my tampon string.

[Pinay WAHM Blogger]

These are the days that I dread! LOL. Its hard to explain to children, specially those that are ages 6 and below, the changes caused by puberty. I'm glad they already teach that when your kid gets to the fifth grade. :)

[Vicky]

I get the lovely, "Your bleeding out of your BUTT!" and "Avery thinks your tampons are candy!" Because yeah, those earthy cotton ones are the only ones that fit after three kids - look just like candy. Thanks Natracare! That purple striped wrapper makes life so easy!

[Jen]

I dropped a wrapped panty liner on the floor once when scrabbling for something in my handbag. My son (then 3) picked it up, gave it to me and in a VERY LOUD voice announced to all (including my aged aunt) "Mummy, you dropped your NAPPY". Oops.

[Jaelithe]

This is why I've been letting my kid read my college-level human biology textbook since he was five.

Problem. Solved.

[clueless]

not that I would dare to correct a "world famous" sexpert, but I believe you were bleeding from your vulva (not your jay-jay) but what do I know...

[Karianna]

I heard a woman in a public bathroom stall ask her small child to take her "red poop" to the bin. Wish I could overhear the eventual talk revealing the truth.

[My Kids Mom]

My sister told her kids it was a red baby blanket that her body made each month, just in case a baby needed it for it's womb. (You know they heard "room") Then if the baby didn't need it, her body got rid of it from the same opening babies come out.

I was prepared to use this, but fortunately we've gotten to the Respect for the Locked Door age without needing it.

[Karen (Submommy)]

At 9 and 5, the kids have been reintroduced to The Bathroom Lock.

And then I get fun stuff like, "Mom? Can you see my hand now? How about NOW?" Sitting there, playing Can You See My Hand Under The Door.

And then there's the 9 year old who asks, "Mom, when am I going to get my period?" To which I reply: "Trust me honey, you don't want it. You'll understand once you get it."

[Julie Marsh]

It's been so much fun telling my girls about menstruation that I'm actually looking forward to freaking out my son.

[Laura Mayes]

I love everything about this post. So exactly and universally true.

[Kelly]

I can't bring myself to have tell my son. Our conversations go like this:
"Mom, what's that?"
"A tampon."
"What's it for?"
"A tampon."
and on and on like that until he gives up.

[Katie R-G]

My 8 year old daughter noticed red in the toilet when I was pulling my pants up after she had bashed into the bathroom in an emergency "I'm going to poop myself mom!" moment. Her question "MOM, why are you bleeding out of your pee?" My response "I'm not, I'm bleeding out of my vagina, and someday soon, you will too. LOVE YOU"! Horror face times 8. That'll teach her.

[Michelle]

I don't think I'm going to be able to cook eggs for a couple of days now...... :)