Note to self: This is why they invented the Internet

My husband and I smartened up for this recent visit from the in-laws and scheduled a much needed date night. And a few fancy drinks and an Irish car bomb later, we found ourselves scrambling around our bedroom for lube using an iPhone as a flash light and doing our best not to wake the baby who still sleeps in our closet.

Now my my drawers are usually overflowing with lube since many companies so generously offer up samples for me to try and write about on my sex column.

But apparently after the tragic foyer oil slick incident of 2011 caused by a nosy toddler and a not-so-toddler proof bottle of lube, I must have tossed them all.

Of course, that didn't occur to us when we were stumbling around in the dark, which we continued to do for long enough that if we didn't originally need lube, we did, in fact, desperately need it now.

So the next day, after waking up to a bathroom counter full of random massage oils, a sex candle (who knew?), and my long lost diva cup, I was determined to never find myself in such a desperate predicament. My solution: I'd stop at the grocery store after my dentist appointment to pick up a few things, including a bottle of lube.

A brilliant idea, in theory, except I quickly discovered that my store keeps them behind a locked glass cabinet, along with other dangerous items. Like ovulation kits. And pregnancy tests.

Now given the rarity of such debaucherous date nights, I could have probably just gone home, ordered all sorts of various lubes online, and saved myself the embarrassment of having to ask the young, attractive pharmacy tech to open up the glass cabinet.

Because if there's anything that says "I'm having THE SEX!" it's lube. I suppose it could also say "I have a masturbation habit!" or "I had four kids and it's like the Sahara down there!"

But I was hell bent on getting my lube, damnit, so much so that I boldly asked him if he had the key to the cabinet.

He nodded and headed my direction.

And then I sort of freaked out.

Do I pretend like I know what I want? Or do I peruse the various offerings?

Do I offset my purchase by grabbing a few ovulation kits?

Should I say something funny?

Damn, that KY tastes like crap. Blech.

Is that the biggest bottle you have?

It took me 2 days to get that one off my thighs.

What? No watermelon? Bummer.

I hear this one's great for anal!

Instead, I just grabbed the big bottle of Astroglide, mumbled something like "This one is water-based, right?" and walked quickly away, not looking back.

You never look back.

Then I headed straight for the self check-out line.

I may have willingly given one person a bit of entertainment at my expense, but hell if I was going to give that pleasure to yet another one.

{photo via}

Comments

[Hillary]

Uh, foreplay works too. If you ain't wet enough for him, maybe there's a deeper issue there.

[Leanne]

Funny. And I'm jealous about the fact that you have self check-outs. Shoot, I'd buy A TON more stuff if we had those up here.

[Larisa]

"Now my my drawers are usually overflowing with lube..." Hahahahahaha! I'm such a juvenile. Awesome.

[Jenn]

Knowing my luck I would have gone to self check out only to have the light start flashing indicating an attendant was required to enter a special code for the purchase to be completed.

Also I have a feeling after this post you might find yourself receiving even more free lube. Perhaps even one with a child proof cap.

[Team Suzanne]

Coconut oil? No kidding? Why does everyone else always know more than me?

Nicely played with the "It's water-based, right?" and not looking back and using the self-checkout line. Nicely played, indeed.

That Swiss pharmacy story in the comment above is really funny.

[red pen mama]

I followed your dilemma on Twitter, and I admit to giggling at your thought process. I feel ridiculously proud when I buy lube (available right off the shelf at Target!) especially if it's "adventurous" type stuff, and/or I'm with my three live children. Like, "Look, I still got it going on!"

Of course, a large bottle of astroglide lasts a ridiculously long time, but no one needs to know that, right?

[Kate]

Never used coconut oil, but olive oil has (inadvertently) done the trick.

Also: Athens has only one grocery store that does not restrict lube and prophylactic access, but we have way too many sex shops per square mile. (Thankfully, most of them are clean.) I can only assume ATL suburbs are similar?

[Karen (Submommy)]

Huh. Coconut oil? What if I have it in the "non-stick spray" variety? Still work?

(I'm kidding. Maybe.)

[Tabitha]

Yes, coconut oil works great. Just don't use it with latex.

[Jaelithe]

You just made me glad I live in Missouri, where you can find all of that stuff at the grocery store, at the drug store or at Target on an open shelf right next to the Advil. (Usually just one or two aisles over from the baby formula. Which I always find hilarious.) My kid shops for groceries with me all the time and I do not believe he has ever been permanently emotionally damaged by walking by the sexy aisle.

It's hard to make Missouri look modern and progressive. But, look, state of Georgia: you did it!

[Oana]

Your story reminds me of the long forgotten pre-baby days when I walked into a Swiss pharmacy to ask for condoms only to realise that I had forgotten the French word for it..Had to ask for them in English, the pharmacist had little English and kept repeating the word out loud in the home someone would tralnslate it for her..you get the picture :-)

[Katie R-G]

FYI, coconut oil does the slick-trick, and it's covert. Just saying.