Air Swimmers - From the people who hate parents

Last week while my kids were watching Pokemon (yes, the kids are still watching tv like it's 1999), I saw a commercial for Air Swimmers, which, if you're not familiar, are gihugic clownfish or shark balloons that fly through your house thanks to a remote control and helium, which you must buy.

Unless you in the business of clowning (not to be confused with clownfishing). Then I suppose you already have a helium stash.

Of course, I see these and envision nightmares and shit being knocked down and "Will someone please get the Shark out of the ceiling fan!" which is awesome because it's not like I already say enough ridiculous things why not make mommy sound more insane with a flying shark in the house.

A shark blimp.

A motor powered shark balloon.

Now some of you tell me that the kids love it, which yes, I'm not surprised at this. But children also enjoy sitting in their own crap and eating boogers.

Since when did we let "kids loving things" determine what we purchase?

So I do not think they are a good judge of why I should pay $40 to have a insanely huge clownfish knock my carefully placed knick knacks off my mantle.

Now I'm not actually angry at the Air Swimmers, but rather, all things that have clearly been made to piss parents off. And really, why are these people trying to mess with us? We get no sleep. We find crushed goldfish between our toes. We repeat ourselves 400 times a day.

We're two stamps short of a postal worker.

Just add Air Swimmers to the long list of annoying crap invented by the people who hate parents:

{It's just like real snow, except it never melts. Ever. Even after one million years!}

{It'll play music and double as a security system!}

{He whines in English and French!}

{Toys that they'll tired of before anyone can get them out of the packaging!}

{Sand! In the House!}

What's next? A baby doll that talks, cries, and shits herself? Oh wait, they already make that too.

Comments

[Sarah M]

I just got a group deal notification for an "Angry Birds" Air swimmer! Only $25! LOL I should get one for my friend ;)

[Team Suzanne]

I am not sure of much, but I am DAMN sure I'm not going to ever waste helium shots on a fish balloon. Sure, I'm all growed up now. But, still, respect.

"We're two stamps short of a postal worker."

Indeed.

[BB]

Ugh add to the list - MUSICAL CARDS.

My grandma sends them to my 3 year old for every. single. holiday.

[Karen]

NONE of you mentioned the one about the guy who shelled out $40 for one of these and thought it would be cool to fly it outside-too bad the wind took it within 5 minutes of getting it in the air! AND they never did find it...hmmmmmm.....
There are also two versions of this-one that follows a beam of red light and one that is actually a remote control. Too bad kids don't come with either of those things........

[Angela]

Love this post, I have spent the better part of a month trying to explain to my daughters why Cailou is not a good role model and we shouldn't watch it anymore because he is always behaving badly (they never get to the part where he realizes it's bad and decides to be better)!

[julie]

Fucking Caillou.

[Jen]

PS New catchy tag line... Air Swimmers, from the people who hate parents AND THE PLANET,

[Jen]

It makes me so mad. Party balloons make med mad but this makes me madder. Every helium balloon/toy made takes away an MRI scan from somebody, did you know that? Helium is a non renewable resource and essential for medical testing, but in 25years it will be gone. So I will be boycotting this toy just like I never let my kids have a helium balloon (mean mom). I dont know how this toy was even allowed to the production stage. More here.... http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/why-the-world-is-running-out-of-helium-2059357.html (nb I am not cross with you for mentioning them, this is a good opportunity to educate your readers on why helium use for toys is B A D. Could I ask you very kindly to edit your entry with a comment on why these toys are evil on so many levels?! Pretty please? You'll thank me in 25 years when you hurt your knee and need an MRI scan but can't have one.....)

[SupermomWannabe]

Oh the air swimmers! We've seen those on TV and my kids are "PLEASE! I WANT ONE!" They look like a big in-the-way nightmare...love that, "from the people who hate parents". On behalf of crazy fun kids, I can see the appeal :P

[Kristy @PampersandPinot]

OMG that sounds like one of the most horrible things ever invented!

[Gertie]

Hissssssssssssssssss.... moon sand.

[Amy]

My husband discovered the Air Shark a few weeks ago at the toy store and used it to scare the pants off of my daughter. It's enormous. It took me ten minutes to talk him out of it. I would like to see if it could swim up to the sun, though.

[nora]

I am a kid at heart and cant get enough Santa.
Need a little proof? Mom and parents alike .. you've got to try this site! www.santaoncamera.com
Catch Santa in your home. Insert a picture of your festive house, add one of the websites many-many Santa poses. Results, a perfect image of St.Nick stuffing your stockings. Christmas magic!! Show your kids he does exist!.

[Issa]

ps. Have you seen the kitty keyboard? It meows with each key!!!! I've spent a year wanting to drop kick that thing to the moon.

[Issa]

I've been waiting for ten long years for my brother to have a kid. Payback's a bitch.

One of these days...

[Melissa]

You do realize that the air swimmers have no deflate valve. as in, no way to store them when you're not playing with them. so unless you are cool with having a 4 foot shark around FOREVER MORE!, skip them until they go through a few more rounds of industrial designing.

[vicky]

I had to say to The Comedian the other day, "We don't put food in our butt and eat it." I mean COME the F on, people! I had to say that!

As for those demented styrofoam peanuts- watch this-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9j_K4GcjPQ0

and that is why I hate styrofoam.

[Kristen Chase - Motherhood Uncensored]

MJ & H - Video shoot went awry. Tutorial with photos, SFW of course, coming soon unless I can get the video shot again.

[Dabni]

Evil me buys things like that for people I don't like too much. Also, loud toys with no off switch.

[The Mommy Therapy]

I have a new rule that I will only buy toys that make us both happy and require some imagination. I'm not sure I'll be able to stick to it 100% forever, but that's the goal.

By the way, I found myself yelling at my four year old to come pick up all the shotgun shells so I could vaccuum the other day and I almost ran out of the house with annoyance that I must shout such lunacy. :)

[mj]

Lee my thoughts exactly

[Servo]

Oh sweet lord! Moon Sand is the devil's spawn, hate-hate-hate it. The kids are only allowed to play with it on the deck outside (which means 6 months of the year) & when they left it outside last time I threw all of it away! Mahwah ha ha ha ha!!!

I was on the fence about the air swimmers 'til I read your post. Now, not so much...

[H]

Love this! And what happened with the mominatrix teaser about the boppy??

[The Dalai Mama]

I feel the same way. I saw the Air Swimmers and before my 5yo could even ask, I said NO. I have enough problems keeping things where they are supposed to be. I'm with you on the so what Kids love them. Well, when my kids have their own house--I'll buy it for them and they can fly it and knock down their own crap.

I put air swimmers in the same category of any toy that makes unnecessary noise.

[Lee]

You KNOW the in-laws already have 3 of those in a box for your kids right?