Every time I've weaned my kids it's because I was pregnant. This means that my barometer for how much of an asshole it makes you is not quite accurate.
So when I decided it was time to wean Bridget after traveling a bunch of times with my trusty electric pump, then downgrading to a handpump (which, by the way, I'm convinced that real dominatrixes use in their sessions), I didn't completely know what to expect.
And no one really talks about weaning. Well, unless it's "child-led" or so you can get pregnant again. Then somehow it's okay.
Otherwise people keep it on the down low because that means you're switching to the demon-posessed formula (which my kid sucks down like baby coca cola by the way - the nerve).
Or maybe because it makes you a complete batty bitch.
And I'm not just talking about the engorged breasts stuffed into a sports bra because somehow that's supposed to make them feel better.
I know, I know. Cabbage leaves. Whatever.
At least when I was pregnant I could sort of mask it in the whole crazy hormonal cocktail that already had me screaming and laughing in the same breath, with nipples so sore you could swear there was a rabid fox hanging from them.
But the more I think about it, I'm starting to believe that all this is a joke by "the man" to suppress women even more. An insult to injury.
They're all being "distinguished" while we've got the stretch marks, the stitched up and stretched out vagina, the saggy boobs that we can either fling over our shoulders or tuck into our saggy bottom jeans and now we have to put cabbage into our bras to ease our pain.
Cabbage?!
If that's not a conspiracy I don't know what is.
In any other situation in this world, people would be like "No way in hell would she be doing that for free!" "This has got to be an episode of Punk'd!"
"She must be trying to get her own reality show!"
Nope. I'm doing all this on my own free will.
These last few days have been slightly trying, can you tell? I feel like I've been PMSing all month long. I'm yelling at the sweet clingy baby for being grouchy HOW DARE SHE? And I'm shoving my face full of Trader Joe's dark chocolate star cookies because that's what people do when they are relegated to wearing sports bras and cabbage in their bras.
Truth be told I'd rather smoke a doobie. But the last time I smoked a doobie (hypothetically of course) they were called "doobies."
And the best part is that when this is all over, when the engorgement has stopped, the hormones have run dry and the cabbage has been placed in the composting bin, I've got to deal with boobs that look like this.
Yep, Ashton better be popping out of my hall closet with a camera crew any minute now.
I love your blog! Thanks for telling it like it is. Here's another great blog I found about being imperfect and being a mom: http://littlemusingstothemoon.blogspot.com/
Posted by: Serenity | December 09, 2011 at 09:16 PM
Oh god, weaning was utter HELL. It turned me into a deranged, hormonal monster, and then I got mastitis (400 miles from home no less) but didn't realize it until I was violently, violently ill, and the best remedy? Nursing MORE, so I had to start all over again...it was just, a total horror show. I don't really know why nobody talks about it but, yeah- I feel for you- it's terrible.
Posted by: The Optimist | December 02, 2011 at 09:30 AM
It took 3 months to fully wean Miss L, and I'm really glad I did it that way. Anything else seems like insanity, unless you have to. The longer you stretch out the weaning time, the better. No sore boobs, and Miss L never seemed to notice she was being weaned.
Posted by: No Drama Mama | November 29, 2011 at 11:22 AM
Oh yes. Nothing quite so awful as weaning. I not only felt crazy and engorged and hormonal, but THAT'S when I gain the 30 pounds that even pregnancy didn't accomplish.
Posted by: Angie | November 27, 2011 at 05:32 PM
I appreciate this post--because, I don't care if it is Thanksgiving--I'm still pissed about my boobs. They were fantastic. And now...not.
I'm way past weaning--oldest is 9 and youngest is 6. Got the pre-baby body back through hard work and living right--but the boobs, no dice there. Once sapped, always sapped. No amount of pilates will change that.
Boo hiss.
Posted by: Team Suzanne | November 27, 2011 at 11:36 AM
Hang in there! I just went through this two months ago. My kid finally weaned the day after she turned 3. Thankfully, she wasn't feeding all that much so I didn't experience engorgement, but my hormones were at war with me and everyone around me. I'm with Liza. I miss being able to eat an extra 500 calories per day and having the soothing effects of prolactin consume my usually anxious self, but I guess I could wear a dress without hiking it all the way up to my arm pits, like I had to do at my grandma's funeral when my kid needed a drink.
Posted by: Crissy | November 26, 2011 at 09:35 PM
Love your Doobie comment! Made me LOL!!!
Posted by: Tia G | November 26, 2011 at 03:16 AM
Cheer yourself up by making your husband a nice batch of funky coleslaw.
Then sit back, light a nice big doobie and watch him eat it.
Posted by: julie | November 24, 2011 at 12:28 PM
Just wanted to let you know, "some people" still call them doobies :D
Posted by: Sarah M | November 23, 2011 at 01:46 PM
Hmm..now I'm wondering how much my short temper is pregnancy hormones and how much is the weaning. I've been one cranky mother, for sure.
Posted by: Olivia | November 23, 2011 at 10:29 AM
I just got over a nasty bug that dehydrated me and made my supply tank, big time. I started to think maybe this would be the perfect time for the little 13 month old, boob-obsessed, angel of darkness to get the hint that it's time to move on. Instead she's been throwing temper tantrums up my shirt and yanking on me non-stop to try to get my supply back up again. She's too smart, and I feel too guilty. Looks like all those snide remarks I made to people about bfing until college to prove a point might actually come to fruition. FML.
Posted by: Katie | November 23, 2011 at 08:49 AM
I feel you. Going through same thing with#3 at 14 months. Apparently he didn't get the 1yo memo about milk and upping solids and weaning, so I've been trying to drop a "nursing session," as the books call it, per week. Molasses, this process...
Posted by: Larisa | November 22, 2011 at 07:45 PM
As a breast feeding failure - that's right - I make almost no milk and my baby at 2 weeks old was dehydrated and needed pedialyte at the doctor's office, I understand the guilt. I worry that my kids will go on to be homeless and uneducated due to a lack of breast milk, and they sucked down that formula like golden milk.
AS far as the pain goes -- it is awful....the worst pain and sweating and hormonal rages ever -- and guess what? my boobs are still sagging due to age....
Posted by: Rachel Blaufeld | November 22, 2011 at 07:27 PM
Love me some cabbage and frozen peas in baggies for engorgement. Oh, the humanity.
Posted by: VDog | November 22, 2011 at 07:25 PM
You left out the guilty feelings of stopping.
With big Boobs to begin with, your Boobs start aging wayyyy earlier.
Posted by: Irish Twins Momma | November 22, 2011 at 02:44 PM
I never had to to try the cabbage, that seems like a whole different level of humiliating pain. I mean produce on your breasts is just wrong.
I feel like my breasts after nursing three kids look more like some sort of small butternut squash than a lime. They are tiny, but significantly stretched. THAT is simply cruel.
Posted by: The Mommy Therapy | November 22, 2011 at 01:59 PM
You know what else sucks about weaning and not being pregnant or trying really hard to become pregnant?
No more eating for 2. Josie is 3 and I'm just barely back to pre-pregnancy weight; I'm still 12 lbs up from my pre-Noah-pregnancy weight. I'm working pretty hard -- there's a chance I'll be there by the time he's 6.
No prolactin and a lot less ice cream. Whose idea was that?
Posted by: Liza | November 22, 2011 at 10:18 AM