With Quinlan, I drank in every single nuance of her first year, a mix of sweet nectar, 100 proof scotch, and tears that left me happy and hungover, asking myself "What the hell just happened?" as I scraped myself off the floor and wiped my own drool off my face.
As more first years were celebrated, Drew, then Margot, I built up a tolerance, and the cocktail of those long twelve months became much easier to swallow.
Enjoyable even.
And now, as I watch my last baby, by far my easiest, most pleasant, "let's have another one because this shit is easy" baby, hit one, I realize that it's not just her first year that's coming to an end.
It's the end of all my kids' first years, kept alive by her babbles, her breastfeeding, yes, even her rashy bum.
She's gone from rolling to crawling to standingupwalkingrunningwaaaaaiiiiiit. From boob to bottle to eatingeverythinginsightincludingpencilerasersomfg.
Like someone accidentally pushed fast forward and I'm madly pressing every button I can just to get it to stop.
And there is no rewind, not even a brief pause so I can catch up on what I might have missed.
After four kids, I know now that it's all fleeting. I'll remember as much about their first year as they'll remember themselves, except for what I've captured here, in short stories and photos - my attempt to maintain some semblance of a baby book so that when they're older and asking me, I can say "Here. Read this. See, I was funny. And you were a royal pain in the ass."
Because it will be all I have.
Well, that and the uneven boobs.
With Bridget, it's less about endings than I thought it would be, the milestones reached and marked off in this urban myth they call "baby book."
It's about beginnings. A world opening up in front of her.
And me. The reporter, supporter. The giver, mentor. The presenter, editor.
Mother.
Happy Birthday, Bridget. The world is yours for the taking. A wide open sea of possibility.
What a blessing to parent an "easy" child. The curse: it passes by so much more quickly because you're distracted by greasing the squeaky wheels in your life. I often try slow down just to "listen" to my daughter's quiet. Too easy to forget. Thank you for a lovely reminder.
Posted by: Asha Dornfest {Parent Hacks} | November 01, 2011 at 04:36 PM
Whoa. Wonderful post, and happy birthday, Bridget!!
Posted by: Sara | October 27, 2011 at 11:18 PM
My littlest turns 1 on Sunday, and I've been struggling with catching my breath. I find myself constantly repeating "Remember when she was just a tiny little thing? What happened??" as she pushes and pulls away from me (while still suction cupped to the boob WTF?) to go chase her older sister. We're hoping to have another, and seeing her turn into a toddler makes me want it even more, but maybe more than wanting another, I just want her to be my baby for a bit longer.
Happy Belated Bridget!
Posted by: Katie | October 25, 2011 at 12:28 PM
found this from RageAgainstTheMinivan. beautiful (and yes, funny) post. makes me yearn for another little one. those days do fly by....sigh. and glad i'm not the only one with uneven boobs. what a relief!! great post and picture. happy birthday to your littlest.
Posted by: rushiawallace@yahoo.com | October 24, 2011 at 01:21 PM
so beautiful. Happy birthday Bridget!!
Posted by: maile | October 24, 2011 at 10:27 AM
I was madly pressing buttons for a while. Grieving the end of being a "new, young family" thad had babies and strollers. Sad that my kids were becoming the "oldest" ones and nobody asked me for diaper advice anymore.
I guess I'm at peace with it now. With me having no more babies. But, honestly--not really. Or else I wouldn't slobber over those photos of your one year old so much.
Posted by: Team Suzanne | October 21, 2011 at 07:40 PM
Hooray, Happy Birthday Bridget!
Posted by: Karianna | October 21, 2011 at 10:28 AM
It passes by so quickly!!!
Posted by: Heather | October 20, 2011 at 05:33 PM
I have two and constantly battle with myself, do I want another? Your post MADE ME WANT ANOTHER! Stop it! LOL Seriously though, great post (and I want another)
Posted by: Sarah M | October 18, 2011 at 03:39 PM
Happy birthday to your beautiful girl.
Posted by: Issa | October 18, 2011 at 12:57 PM
While I only have 2 kids--we didn't know that our 2nd was our last right away. I wish I would have soaked in more of those sweet last firsts...
Happy Birthday Bridget.
Posted by: The Dalai Mama | October 18, 2011 at 11:45 AM
Happy Birthday, Bridget. Here's to all the joy and love you bring to your mommy.
Posted by: Karen (SubMommy) | October 18, 2011 at 11:01 AM
Great description. Makes me sad about the years that have gone by that we can never get back.
Posted by: Rebecca | October 18, 2011 at 10:24 AM
(Kristen Howerton, that is... celebrating and grieving.)
Posted by: sue {laundry for six} | October 18, 2011 at 09:49 AM
Beautiful. And exactly what Kristen said. My youngest just lost a top front tooth last night and I had to wipe away the tears as I stuck the dollar under her pillow. I loved those little baby teeth.
Happy birthday, Bridget!
Posted by: sue {laundry for six} | October 18, 2011 at 09:47 AM
"not even a brief pause so I can catch up on what I missed..."
Oh sister, this is beautiful.
Posted by: molly | October 18, 2011 at 09:33 AM
They say it's your birthday! Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh! It's my birthday too, yeah!
Actually, it really is my birthday, so happy birthday from one girl to another! This post is especially poignant to me because as a friend once reminded me, we celebrate lots of firsts, but we don't often recognize the lasts -- the last bottle, the last time they sit in your lap -- because we often don't know it's the last.
That's why my mom still makes me sit in her lap every now and then, even though I'm 39!
Happy birthday, Bridget. And happy birthday to you, too, mom, for having birthed her. :)
Posted by: Leandra | October 18, 2011 at 09:02 AM
Beautifully said! My best friend sent me your link in an email, and told me you described exactly how she's feeling with her last... lo and behold, you described my emotions as well (my last is 5 months old). Thank you for putting it into words!
Posted by: Elizabeth @ Confessions | October 18, 2011 at 08:38 AM
I wrote a similar post just yesterday about my third and last baby girl. It does all go so fast. I am grateful for that and tortured by it as well.
Happy birthday to your Bridget!
Posted by: The Mommy Therapy | October 18, 2011 at 08:37 AM
We're like this about our youngest (and last of 4), too.
Posted by: The Muskrat | October 18, 2011 at 08:18 AM
That damn fast forward button. I am so grateful for the moments that sneak into my marrow unbeknownst to me and then, just when it feels all baby is gone, come out in precious wisps.
Kristen, this was exquisitely beautiful.
Posted by: Amanda | October 18, 2011 at 08:05 AM
A year already? Happy birthday, Bridget. May you continue to grow, and learn and love and surprise and bless your mother (and father and sisters and brother).
Posted by: Michelle | October 18, 2011 at 07:51 AM
Happy birthday for Bridget, and again what a beautiful post
Posted by: Insuni | October 18, 2011 at 07:07 AM
Crying, crying, crying. I love the cocktail that you describe that first year as ... perfect. And the desperate pushing of buttons to get it all to slow down. Yes, yes. Oh, and the uneven boobs too! Sadly, yes. This is gorgeous. Happy birthday, Bridget. xo
Posted by: Lindsey | October 18, 2011 at 06:57 AM
Beautiful. With our fourth (and last), it feels like we are simultaneously celebrating and grieving with each new milestone.
Posted by: kristen howerton | October 18, 2011 at 02:39 AM