I'm quite certain had the book "He's Just Not That Into You" been around back when I was in college, it would have saved me a helluva lot of time, hand jobs, and awkward answering machine messages.
Aw. Remember those? When people used to give hand jobs?
The idea of two Sex and the City writers turned book turned really bad movie that could not even be saved with a shirtless Bradley Cooper wasn't some stroke of genius.
We women tend to overanalyze everything and believe that life actually happens the way we see it in our minds which in my case scarily resembles a romance novel or episode of "All My Children" from 1998. You know, where men who really like me don't actually express this so when they don't want to come up for a drink because they've got an early meeting or they don't call me when they say they will because they've had a "busy week," it's because they really do have a meeting or they were really busy.
Or they were taken by alien hookers and held against their will.
We give men way too much credit when we think they're somehow not saying or doing something because they're playing games.
Case in point, look at the games they do play: A dude throwing a ball at another dude with a wooden stick who is trying to hit it and then run around in a circle.
That's some tricky stuff right there.
Of course, these days, I don't really care if my husband is not into me because I have a legally binding piece of paper from the Mayor of Landsdowne, Pennsylvania that says he has to be into me.
Or, at least pretend to be anyway.
But after thinking about this for awhile, I realized that this principle can be applied to a lot of male behavior.
{And if these happen to become movies with no plot starring a bunch of A-listers and Ron Howard's brother, you know who thought of them first}
He's just not that into clean clothes
Clearly, he knows how to put stuff in the right hole, so it must mean that he just doesn't care if his clothes stink, especially when they're combined with day old wet towels.
He's just not that into dresser drawers
It must be due to the enormous effort it takes for him to open and close them.
He's just not that into empty kitchen sinks
He seems to think that they're better filled with half of last night's dishes or still perfectly good, full sippy cups.
He's just not that into toilet paper holders
It's much more fun trying to balance the new roll on top of the old roll, like some sort of indoor bathroom log rolling.
He's just not that into key racks
There must just be something about the thrill of the chase that he can't live without.
And so, like when the light went off for me after I thought about all the times it was clear those dudes were just not into me, when I put the quirky things my husband does this way, it makes so much more sense now.
He's not purposely leaving dishes for me to clean, clothes for me to pick up, or keys for me to find. He's just not into that stuff.
Understanding is the first step to acceptance, after all, which is why I'm creating a manifesto for wives and mothers everywhere.
I'm calling it: "She's just not that into giving blow jobs."
If that keeps up I might not have to purchase your manifesto...t I don't make things around here more stressful for you. How can I help?" There's a lot that my husband just isn't that into, but luckily, he's into painting the garage.
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Posted by: toms sale | September 12, 2011 at 09:27 PM
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Posted by: toms sale | September 12, 2011 at 09:26 PM
LAUGHING VERY HARD HERE !!!
Posted by: Brigid | September 11, 2011 at 02:42 PM
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Posted by: Oakley Sunglasses | September 08, 2011 at 08:58 AM
She's just not that into giving blow jobs...HAHAHAHA!!!
Posted by: Rachel | September 07, 2011 at 12:36 PM
Love this!!!!
Posted by: Sarah M | September 07, 2011 at 12:09 PM
Haha! There's a lot that my husband just isn't that into, but luckily, he's into painting the garage. :)
Posted by: Asianmommy | September 06, 2011 at 07:52 PM
LOL....perfect! Yeah we had a talk after I pretty much didn't see my husband all weekend because my family was in town and instead of hanging out with us he went out with his buddies every day. It was the "You know how you feel when I don't feel like having sex? That's how I feel when you don't feel like hanging out with your family" talk.
We went to a carnival as a family the next day.
Posted by: Elizabeth | September 06, 2011 at 03:45 PM
perfect!
Posted by: Jaima | September 06, 2011 at 01:15 PM
My husband had this bizarre epiphany last night at midnight when I was *thisclose* to sleeping. He said, "I want to make sure that I don't make things around here more stressful for you. How can I help?"
I was wide awake at that moment.
If that keeps up I might not have to purchase your manifesto.
Posted by: Karen (SubMommy) | September 06, 2011 at 12:12 PM
Morning laugh...thank you!!!!
Posted by: MissHawk | September 06, 2011 at 11:17 AM
Love it! I couldn't have said it better ~ It's been my dilema for years. Not only the BJ's but the fact that my husband some how just doesn't mind his clothes on the floor or the dishes in the sink. Drives me nuts but clearly he's just not that into it....THANKS!
Posted by: CHRISTY MASSEY | September 06, 2011 at 10:28 AM
The punchline !! Fabulous ;) (& perfect!)
Posted by: Sabz | September 06, 2011 at 09:55 AM
I so needed a morning laugh today. Thanks!!!
Posted by: Angela | September 06, 2011 at 09:32 AM
Love it! Love so, so much of what you have written here- I will definitely be back!
Posted by: Robyn | September 06, 2011 at 08:41 AM
OMG - "She's just not that into giving blow jobs"! Bahahaha!
Posted by: Cheryl @ Coffee with Cheryl | September 06, 2011 at 06:31 AM
LOL, you have a paper that makes the hubby have to be into you...or pretend to be. Thats just too funny!
Posted by: Mummy Tales | September 06, 2011 at 05:53 AM