A few months ago, I was at Whole Foods trying to figure out why graham crackers cost $4 when I spotted Coconut Water, the mystical beverage that I heard amazing things about (it gives you energy! kills your cold! adds a bra cup size!) and have watched, with curiosity, as women drink it, looking refreshed, happy, and very satisfied as it's going down.
So I figured, why shouldn't I reap the benefits of this tiny $3 beverage? Plus, it looks so tasty!
And so I, with much excitement, shook my bottle, ripped off the top, and slugged it.
And then I wanted to die.
I looked at the label. This couldn't be the delicious coconut water! It's sort of thick! And not very tasty!
But alas, it was indeed coconut water.
And so I decided that I'd much rather get my potassium from a banana. Hell, I'd take a banana in my ass rather than drink that shit.
Then last weekend, I was in Trader Joe's, feeling a bit vulnerable and overwhelmed by the chocolate-covered everything, wasabi peas, and hipsters with TOMS shoes and little baskets of food that I let the coconut water catch my eye, its promises of "rapid hydration" and "five times the potassium of a banana" entrancing me.
I must have thought it said "rapid orgasms" and "five times the pleasure of a banana-shaped body part" because I decided to give coconut water another chance, tossing a couple in my cart.
But not before inappropriately grilling the nice lady at the sample counter.
"So, does this still taste like, um, crap?" I asked, pointing to the bottle I shoved a couple of pigs in the blanket in my mouth.
"Pretty much," the lady replied, frankly. "Unless you chug it."
"Do you actually feel extra hydrated?" I asked her, still not believing her, then wondering what exactly being extra hydrated would feel like. I essentially just asked her if it makes you pee a lot.
Twitter has killed my social skills.
"Not really" she said. "But I already drink a lot of water."
"Sounds like I should just get the electrolyte water and call it a day," I replied, appreciating her honesty.
"Well, the mango is a little bit better," she said. "But yeah. Just go for the water."
Not willing to give up the idea of coconut water and its amazing, life-changing qualities (bladder control! perky nipples!) I grabbed a mango flavor and went on my way, popping it in my bag for my workout on Monday, anxious to see whether I'd be able to lift extra weights, or at least, not feel like I was going to die after the fourth set of abs.
But alas, it still tasted sort of like ass. Well, mango-flavored ass.
And no, I did not feel extra hydrated, but rather like I had just sucked off a mango-flavored coconut that then did you know what in my mouth.
Yes apparently even when it comes to coconut jizz, I'm a swallower.