Coconut water - Nature's semen

A few months ago, I was at Whole Foods trying to figure out why graham crackers cost $4 when I spotted Coconut Water, the mystical beverage that I heard amazing things about (it gives you energy! kills your cold! adds a bra cup size!) and have watched, with curiosity, as women drink it, looking refreshed, happy, and very satisfied as it's going down.

So I figured, why shouldn't I reap the benefits of this tiny $3 beverage? Plus, it looks so tasty!

And so I, with much excitement, shook my bottle, ripped off the top, and slugged it.

And then I wanted to die.

I looked at the label. This couldn't be the delicious coconut water! It's sort of thick! And not very tasty!

At all.

But alas, it was indeed coconut water.

And so I decided that I'd much rather get my potassium from a banana. Hell, I'd take a banana in my ass rather than drink that shit.

Then last weekend, I was in Trader Joe's, feeling a bit vulnerable and overwhelmed by the chocolate-covered everything, wasabi peas, and hipsters with TOMS shoes and little baskets of food that I let the coconut water catch my eye, its promises of "rapid hydration" and "five times the potassium of a banana" entrancing me.

I must have thought it said "rapid orgasms" and "five times the pleasure of a banana-shaped body part" because I decided to give coconut water another chance, tossing a couple in my cart.

But not before inappropriately grilling the nice lady at the sample counter.

"So, does this still taste like, um, crap?" I asked, pointing to the bottle I shoved a couple of pigs in the blanket in my mouth.

"Pretty much," the lady replied, frankly. "Unless you chug it."

"Do you actually feel extra hydrated?" I asked her, still not believing her, then wondering what exactly being extra hydrated would feel like. I essentially just asked her if it makes you pee a lot.

Twitter has killed my social skills.

"Not really" she said. "But I already drink a lot of water."

"Sounds like I should just get the electrolyte water and call it a day," I replied, appreciating her honesty.

"Well, the mango is a little bit better," she said. "But yeah. Just go for the water."

Not willing to give up the idea of coconut water and its amazing, life-changing qualities (bladder control! perky nipples!) I grabbed a mango flavor and went on my way, popping it in my bag for my workout on Monday, anxious to see whether I'd be able to lift extra weights, or at least, not feel like I was going to die after the fourth set of abs. 

But alas, it still tasted sort of like ass. Well, mango-flavored ass.

And no, I did not feel extra hydrated, but rather like I had just sucked off a mango-flavored coconut that then did you know what in my mouth.

Yes apparently even when it comes to coconut jizz, I'm a swallower.

Comments

[Gary]

the problem with bottled coconut water is that it's pasteurized. can you imagine taking fresh squeezed orange juice and boiling it on the stove, then drinking it? well the pasteurization is mostly what kills the flavor in bottled coconut water. go fresh or skip it. somethings weren't meant to be bottled.

[Gary]

all bottled coconut water tastes like ass. you gotta get a fresh young green coconut, crack it open and drink that. it'll change your world. it is probably the most refreshing thing on a hot summer's day next to watermelon juice.

[lil-bee]

I know I'm years late but almost all bottled coconut water I've tried haven't been so nice. I recently tried Cocofina (you can get it in the UK, not sure of elsewhere, sorry) and my god this stuff is amazing :D tastes very close to real coconut water direct from a coconut (which I LOVE) and unlike Zico and even Vita Coco (which tastes disgusting, in my opinion), it doesn't have any added sugar. Some prefer the sweetened coconut water but nah, Cocofina all the way :D I'm sorry you didn't like coconut water but hopefully you can try out real coconut water (coconuts from different regions taste different, I've grown up with Indian coconut and had Thai coconut as well) and/or Cocofina and it will change your opinion :)

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[Aaron]

I agree that this brand tastes horrible, but that doesn't mean all coconut water tastes bad. Try the GOYA brand, that stuff is like something that fell out of heaven.

[Jan]

Miracle foods never live up to the hype. Water is pretty much always the right answer.

[Heather]

I think I peed a little when I read this. Hysterical! Haven't tried it, but will be sure to stay away! LOL :)

[Rose]

I like it. My co-worker and I both tried it around the same time, and while she loves the sweetened kind with pulp, I like unsweetened no pulp. Seeing the above comments, I'm just happy I'll have less people fighting me for a bottle ;).

[Ana]

Haha! I thought I was the only one. I should have my husband read this, he loves the stuff. I've tried it twice, and now refuse. The flavoring makes it even worse.

I HAVE had actual coconut water, directly out of a coconut with a straw....that is good stuff---its not all thick and disgusting like the packaged crap. I don't know what they put in it, or why, but it ruins the whole thing.

[Sharon]

I recently bought a bottle but it is still sitting in my pantry. I guess I feared it would taste as you described. But I'll probably still try it, just to be sure. :)

[Stephanie P.]

Seriously? There are people in this world who don't like coconut water? I really, really love it. (I'm totally serious.) Gosh, what does this say about me? Guess I'll be a little more careful of who I try to serve it to from now on.

Wait, really? You don't like it?

Now kombucha... that I'd understand.

[Chelle]

I hate coconut as it is so I'd never even try it, but reading your description of it has made me laugh pretty hard. Today should be a good day!

[Issa]

I saw a woman giving taste test cups out of it somewhere. I asked her if it was good and she said, no it pretty much tastes like ass.

Yeah ok, I'll pass.

[Ade]

OMG...this was soooo funny. Thanks for the great and honest post!

[Sabrina]

I completely agree that coconut water is nasty. My SIL drinks it every day and I can't imagine WHY.

[The Dalai Mama]

Some things weren't meant to be consumed. I have had coconut water from actual coconuts in mexico and it is really great and refreshing. That crap they sell in the bottle--not so much. I know they say 100%--but they add/do something to it to totally ruin it.

UGH!

[mel]

semen. I couldn't put my finger on how to explain how bad it tastes to others, but you have hit the nail on the head (heh)

[Jen]

First: Thanks to @selfishmom for tweeting this. Second: Okay, okay. I *love* coconut milk. Not jizzing coconut milk, just regular, already-extracted-from-the-coconut milk. However, my warning-in-return is I'm a 34J cup size. While as large *as* coconuts, they are certainly not perkier. And if these... ... are a result of that ... draw your own conclusions. Well, I can't undo having babies, either, so I guess there's that. And giant coconuts. On my chest.

[Amanda]

It is foul.

[Karen (SubMommy)]

I tried coconut water a few years ago, and you're absolutely right. I'd rather drink out of my toilet.

[MK]

I forced myself to drink it while I was pregnant and the ONLY way I could get it down was with lots of ice and some crystal light.

[The Mommy Therapy]

I keep hearing about the wonder of the coconut water too...but I am so happy to have your warning about this. I'm not sure I can handle coconut semen. I'm just not that desperate for any of the benefits, but wait, does it really give you perkier boobs?

[Katie]

Oh thank you thank you thank you! I bought this (w)retched fluid in hopes of finding it to be the nectar of the Gods that I've seen others rave about, thus eliminating my need to chug gallons of whatever all day. Alas, I nearly vomited it back into the can I drank/slurped it out of. I still side-eye it everytime I'm in the grocery store, and fantasize about how good it should be, and fear maybe my tastebuds just aren't hip enough to enjoy this jizzjuice. Eff that ish, I'll stick to my lame-o water (and wine).