Every other month or so I get a nastygram from our neighborhood Homeowner Association aka the HOA.
This month, it was five.
I'd take them a little more seriously if they hadn't sent us one when we first moved in telling us that the fence in our backyard that the builders put in as part of our closing was a violation.
Or if they actually did something.
Oh, I stand corrected. They do turn off your Internet if you forget to pay your monthly dues.
I did that when my husband was deployed and my head was up my ass and they told me to go pay my bill online and it would get turned back on.
"With what Internet service shall I pay my online bill?" I asked. I finally called and paid over the phone.
It only took three full days to get my service back. Longer than I had been overdue on my payment.
They're notorious throughout our neighborhood for sending letters for everything from a barely overgrown lawn or *pine straw that needs to be replaced, to your garbage can being visible or your satellite dish being positioned just slightly too far north.
Ha, okay. Not quite. But close enough.
No basketball hoops, non-patriotic flags, or any of that sort of nonsense.
I pledge allegiance to the flag, of The University of Georgia. GO BULLDOGS!
Not without permission from the HOA, Motherfuckers.
My favorite was when a neighbor of mine got a letter about the decorative stones in her yard. She had not received permission to put said decorative stones on her yard so therefore she was in violation of code 813: DON'T PUT DECORATIVE STONES IN YOUR YARD, BITCH, BECAUSE THEY MIGHT OFFEND SOMEONE.
Makes perfect sense to me. Decorative stones are the devil's eggs.
Of course, our neighborhood is speckled with dead trees, piles of dog shit, and jungled lawns on all the model homes.
Exemption #4718 of the HOA Handbook you will never read: Dead foilage and animal excrement
I'm beginning to wonder what exactly my near car payment sized dues are going to every month.
Oh right. The home phone. The cable bill. The sort of clean pool.
And the postage and paper they waste sending the damn letters which I am always careful to put away in my filing cabinet, aka the recycling bin.
Which, I was just told, I need to keep in my garage.
*Here in the South, it is common to use pine needles as mulch. Don't ask. I still can't quite figure it out myself. They even make the plastic kind. I'm in the wrong freaking business.