This ordinary life

If you ask any parent what they want most for their kids, I'd wager a bet that they'd say "happiness." Too bad there's no manual to tell you how to make that happen. Though that doesn't mean there aren't ones that try.

The attachment parents will tell you to keep them close. The free rangers will tell you to let them roam. And the tiger moms will tell you to go practice your violin, you piece of garbage.

Ha.

Somehow, we've equated an anti-baby boomer child glorification and a self esteem that is based on achievements and skills with happiness.

But the longer I parent, the more I realize that it's all a trap.

I imagine my method (if you could even call it that) might be seen as lazy. Kids, even the littlest ones, are required to contribute as functional members of the household. Beds made, dishwasher emptied, and if you want clothes to wear you'll help sort and/or fold them depending on your fine motor skill set.

My love for them is shown in hugs and kisses, also punishments and consequences. I'm present when I need to be, and detached when I need to butt out.

And instead of wanting for nothing, my kids want for something. Because I think it's good for them.

I didn't always feel this way, but as I added more kids to my brood and the pressure built up inside me to try to do and be everything at the price of my own livelihood, I realized that I wasn't happy.

And if I'm not happy, then I'm actually depriving my kids of the happiness I want so much for them to have.

Much of this has come not from self-analysis and introspection, but purely out of function. I have a lot of kids, all of whom I parent alone quite often and there's not enough of me to go around. And so, by force of nature, I've had to come to grips with the fact that my kids will always have a store bought birthday cake. Homemade cookies will most often come from a box. And my dinners will never be featured in the pages of Food & Wine magazine.

For this Type-A person, that was tough to swallow. My tendency is to completely outdo myself until there was nothing left of me.

Here lies Kristen Chase: Her kids were bilingual damnit and one time she made a chocolate cake from scratch!

I'm happier as a parent now than I've ever been before. I can hear about my friends' glorious achievements, domestic and otherwise, with pure appreciation and admiration rather than a looming guilt complex and a determination to one up them.

I can give my kids unpeeled carrots and send them off to play with the hose knowing that they'll be just fine.

Maybe even better than fine.

Because sometimes the ordinary is extraordinary. It just depends on how you look at it.

[Postscript: Due to complete lack of sleep, or something like that, I published this without acknowledging the inspiration for this post, my two dear blogging friends Meagan Francis and Kyran Pittman, both of whom, through their writing and most recently their books "The Happiest Mom" and "Planting Dandelions," make the ordinary extraordinary. You will make yourself - or a mom you know and love - very happy by reading these].

Comments

[Baby Favors]

Very nice post and quite true as well.

[verysecretsuperhero]

What a wise article! I am not there yet, but I'm aspiring to your parenting methods. We live in a dusty part of the world with few household appliances, so we, in common with a lot of our neighbours, have a full-time cleaner. It's very easy for children to have a sense of entitlement in this environment - but I'm fighting against it. And I've not heard the awful, "But that's C's job!" yet...

[Karen (SubMommy)]

The tough part for me right now is, "Where do I fit into this equation?"

I'd give my eye teeth right now to have something - anything - that feels like normal, average family. Where I have the energy to enforce chore responsibility instead of being on the phone arranging therapy and surgery and hearing tests.

I would love nothing more right now than to debate someone on the merits of organic vs. non-organic toddler puffs.

[Sara]

OMG!! SOOOOOO TRUE!!! I constantly struggle with balance, that and having the energy to do anything! My biggest struggle is wanting my children to be children and wanting to teach them responsibility. All 3 of mine have chores, but I don't always enforce them. Inconsistency is probably my biggest flaw. I am really bad about wanting them to go outside, run around and play and do some chores, usually playing wins out. I want my kids to be kids as long as they can! I remember feeling as though my parents had us just so that they had a work force. I grew up on a farm, and we never lacked for work to do! As an adult I understand more why, with 8 kids to corral my folks needed to have something to keep us busy as well as teach us how to work. I appreciate it now, I wish we had done more family fun things. I am also guilty of not playing with my children, I will watch them play, and I try to, but then I think of all the things I should or could be doing. I suppose with time and age I will get better with this! I hope! I loved this post, thank you!

[rental elf]

Nice article, thanks for the information.

[Sarah (Sterling Creek)]

Love this, love this, LOVE THIS. I think this generation of parents (those of us raised generally speaking in the 70s & 80s, early90s) saw the kids behind us grow up with the "want of nothing" and how that created a bit of an entitlement complex which we absolutely do not want for our kids. And thus we in turn are parenting in just the way you so eloquently described. It's the relationship in life that matters.

[Amanda]

loving this post right now and your quote. Can I steal it? ;)

[red pen mama]

I'm with you. Kids don't learn to be happy by having things handed to them or by being protected from work. They learn happiness by seeing others' happy! Every now and again, I love to whip up homemade cupcakes or pizza dough, and have my kids assist. But most of the time I like to get take out, or pull something out of the freezer. And I'm enjoying teaching my children to help me out around the house. They are at the age (well except for the 5-month-old) that they LIKE to help me. I'm taking advantage of that as long as possible!

[Erin]

thank you. Man did I need that this week! I need to let us all breathe a bit more. I struggle with that. Just being us and being ok with that. I do cook almost every meal from scratch, but that's how I get my happy on. The laundry however. ugh.

[Amy]

I'm so tired to holier-than-thou mommy bloggers who preach and scream and wave their arms. I'm a let my kid watch TV and play video games/let's read a book together/no you can do it yourself/I'm not cooking a gourmet meal for your 4 year old bum kind of mommy. That doesn't make me a Bad Mother, it makes me a Real Mother.

[Gertie]

Duh. What kid wants his memories to be that of a frazzled, angry Mom trying to hold herself up to some self imposed, unattainable standard?

[sarah]

Oh! I'm so glad that you write! And that I get to read what you write.

[Vicky]

Excellent. Just excellent. I've been feeling rather out of sorts in the motherhood comraderie dept. lately mainly because I have been a bit on the judgy side. This helped me tone down my own stress and see the bigger picture and reign in that Judgy Mom syndrome that we are sometimes all guilty of. Thanks.

[Nicole]

Finding the balance is a constant struggle for me. I have to fight the urge have a spot house with laundry always folded and put away, kids that speak 4 languages and are always well behaved, scratch made food and clothes, not just homemade, but made from patterns drafted from my own imagination. Oh, yeah, and not get fired from my paying job.

This is a good reminder that it's ok to be lazy. It's better than ok; it's sanity saving.

[Life of a Doctor's Wife]

Love this. I am bookmarking it for future reading when (if) I ever have kids.

[Jana]

I needed to read this today (and most likely everyday hereafter.) Thanks for putting it all into perspective.

[Amanda]

Oh, Kristen. So true and honestly, the homemade cake means so much more to us than it does to them. They want the shiny rosettes damnit ;)

[The Mommy Therapy]

Accepting the balance of what you can and what you want to do is so challenging as a Mom. I think you are right though, if keeping a perfectly groomed home and gourmet dinners on the table is making you nuts and bitter, then it just isn't worth it.

I think your kids helping, wanting a bit and feeling loved is about as close to perfect as it gets.

[The Muskrat]

I just want my brood to have it as good as I did as a child.

There's a statement you don't hear very often, but for me, it fits.

[Chelle]

You're raising your kids to learn how to make themselves happy and be useful, be problem solvers and how to entertain themselves. This is a good thing and no one could ever dare hold this against you.

[Amelia Sprout]

Dude, if I ever manage to have a blog again, either my own or whatever, I'm totally writing my own damn post about this. I work full time, outside the home, and you know what, I buy bars for the family gathering from a bakery. But if that is what I have to do to have some time for my kid (almost kids) then so be it.

Thanks Kristen, I needed to read this today.

[Julie Marsh]

One of the many, many reasons I wish we were neighbors.

I know that our children will look back upon memories of their childhood homes with far greater fondness than we do when we think of our own.

[Nancy [Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas]]

Great post. I'll admit that I'm somewhere between free range and tiger mom (I suppose that means I'm fine with sending my kid to the jungle and making a 4-course meal).
when my kids get a case of the "I wants" I remind them that it's good to want -- it makes them work harder.

[Kristen]

Hehe, Sherry. I do like my organic blueberries. When I can get them :)

[Sarah]

Very true words. Ordinary moms unite!

[Sherry]

Oh God. That was refreshing! In this world of baby-wearing, crafty-momma-blogs, organic blueberries and CIO will cause brain damage, I often feel so ALONE in my parenting. I like knowing there's someone like me out there. Now, if you could just show up for the next playdate...

[Kyran]

Lovely. Singing my song. xo

[Lindsey]

I honestly could not agree more. I feel so strongly about this. As you say, you think it's good for them to want. I think it's good for my kids to learn that nobody's world revolves around them. I think they're going to learn that eventually, so let's start out there. I think it will make them more empathetic and compassionate members of society someday, which is my ultimate goal. That and the diffuse, ineffable goal of happiness, as you mention.
xox