I dreamed a dream.

Lately, I've become acutely aware that Bridget is my last baby.

Overnight she went from little blob to full fledged being, with the nerve to start pulling up on whatever she can balance with.

Steady or not, here she comes.

She somehow gets to her feet after crawling wildly around the floor, putting food, toy, and tissue paper, in her mouth.

Too busy to nurse or even let me hold her unless she's asleep.

As much as my tough labor and challenging baby made me say I'd never do it again, all it took was an easy labor, guest bed or not, and a happy baby for me to wish that it would ever end.

The coos and giggles. The innocent bliss.  They're a veritable fountain of youth. And I want to bathe in it. Drink it up.

Her cheeks. Her constant smile.

Her two tiny teeth that will soon be joined by a mouthful. 

As much as I hated babydom seven years ago, I love it.

Quinlan will be seven this summer. Drew is four. Margot is two. And a half.

The only solid memory I have left as them as babies is here on this blog. In a bunch of scattered pictures and digital photos on cds and flash drives. My journaled scrawlings of their milestones - most of Quinlan's, some of Drew's, none of Margot's.

And in Bridget.

I remember them through her.

As she grows up, the baby memories wane. Her milestones are their milestones, fresh in my mind for just a little bit longer, until they are all but gone, prompted only by a photograph. A video stuffed deep in a cabinet.

A sweet or funny story that I've written here.

And in other babies that aren't mine.

I don't mourn Bridget's babydom as much as I mourn those precious moments from all my children, four babydoms slowly disappearing right before my very eyes, turning from reality into a memory that I'm barely grasping at now.

What will it become in a year? In five years?

I know, I know. The best is yet to come.

A small consolation for growing old.

But whoever said that didn't have a baby.

This baby

And three other little children soon leaving childhood, and their mother, behind. Left to wonder if all this really did happen. Or if it was just a dream.

A glorious, miraculous dream.

Comments

[Marta]

She's absolutely adorable! I love the photo of her smiling.

My 8 month old is the same: she nurses and then as quick as can be wants to be on the go. The only way I can cuddle her is at night if she's sleeping!

She's definitely not going to be my last, every moment with her I kept thinking this can't be the last time I'm pregnant, the last time I'm going to hold my newborn, so fixated on the finality of it. I'd go for 4, but I think my husbands max is 3!

[Kristy]

This is beautifully sentimental. Love it. Their growing through every stage is bittersweet.

[Ashlye]

This is gorgeous. It is so much of what I feel and so much of what I want to cry about and smile about. Thanks for sharing as usual ;)

[Carolyn]

I just started reading your blog. I have a 2-year-old son and a 7-month-old daughter. That first picture: I keep coming back to look at it. Her little round head covered in those soft baby hairs. Her little foot out with toes pointed. My baby girl is days away from that and the memories of my little man doing the same thing are already fading fast. You are reminding me to take a picture. A picture to hold as they run off to collage. *sniff* Maybe I should have just one more...

[Meagan @ The Happiest Mom]

I have been having the strangest sensation lately. I look around and feel this sudden anxiety - where's the baby? Is she crawling under the bed or waking up from a nap or did I leave him in the car?

And then I remember - Oh. I don't HAVE a baby anymore. Clara is the baby, and she's over two, and a KID now in so many ways.

It's freeing, and disorienting at the same time. I feel "done" and ready to move on...but who can ever really feel DONE with sweet, chubby, soft, warm BABIES?

Not to mention all the things it means about me, and moving out of a very important and defining phase of my life. It's just so...big.

[MissHawk]

Brought me to tears, and oh so truly written. I have an only by choice, who is soon to be 7 as well, heading to full day first grade next year, I've been home with her all along, and MAN....it's killing me. It really does feel like it was all a dream to me sometimes. I want to keep starting over and going to this point over and over again. I write it all down, I have thousands of photos and memories on paper, but there will be nothing like the living it. No one tells you before motherhood that you will actually have to let them go one day...and especially not how hard it will be. Or how wonderful motherhood is. Thanks for this post!

[The New Girl]

OH, OUCH.
It's so true. With the little, I remember the big at that age. It's so, so true.

SA-NIIIIIIIIIFFFFF

[Clueless But Hopeful Mama]

Lovely post!

I feel the same way about my second, who just turned two. We're talking vasectomy so I know she will be our last. I think I could have babies (specifically 8 month olds) forever and ever and ever. If only they didn't turn so frustratingly into three year olds!

[The Dalai Mama]

My kids are 5 and 3 and are the only ones we are having. I have been getting ready for a yard sale of baby clothes and each worn once outfit are in rubbermaid containers holding memories of milestones long forgotten. It is so fleeting.

I'm trying to remember to relish the small moments. My 3yo learned to write her name and she is so excited--I remembered to video her doing it--but it's those moments I need/want/have to remember.

[Karen (SubMommy)]

My sweet, "make a REAL parent out of me" baby girl is almost NINE. I see her sleeping and there is the slightest little expression on her face that has remained unchanged since her babydom, and my heart cracks a little. She is getting the layers of life added to her little by little, and I'm acutely aware of the fact that I can't stop it.

I understand how you feel.

[amanda]

I have 3 children and my youngest just turned 2. There is three years between her and my oldest, which means I've only had babies for the past 5 years but now they're all leaving there babyhoods behind. It breaks my heart. This post sums it up for me, beautifully.

I can hardly stand letting go, even though I know all the wonderful and amazing moments and events that are ahead.

thanks, Kristen, I love your writing.

[CathleenB]

My little baby boy is graduating high school and got his driver's license all in a week. Talk about time flying, I feel almost obsolete. Yesterday I had a baby boy and I blinked and he grew up. :-(

[Amelia Sprout]

I went through all of my pictures recently and found it hard to believe that M, the girl who will not stop talking, was once a snuggly little baby... I can't wait to relive it with the new one, but I know I'll be sad to know I'll never do it again. If only I like being pregnant more...

[the mama bird diaries]

Right there with you girl. It's just so impossible to remember their babyhoods. I try to sear moments with my twins into memory but it all just fades away as they morph into new beautiful beings.

[The Mommy Therapy]

I could have written this post. Not as eloquently mind you, but I have your exact feelings. My baby will be one next week and she's the last for me too. She break my heart and makes me so happy I feel actual pain, remembering all my babies through her and mourning the passing of time that I can't seem to capture.

I'm constantly holding on to the best is yet to come philosophy, but at times it does nothing for how badly I want my baby to keep doing her silly peek-a-boo, giggling at someone blowing kisses on her belly and her crazy enthusiasm for watermelon.

[sandi]

My babies are 20,21 and 24. Kristin you wrote so beautifully exactly what I felt/feel.
Motherhood is such a beautiful thing. I have said and always will believe that letting them grow and go is the hardest part of being a parent.

[Cara]

It's like you read my mind. My youngest of 4 will be 4 this summer and everytime he tells a little story or makes up a word I hope I remember those moments forever. Everytime I hold a baby I picture my sweet faces as they were at that age. Savor every moment.

[linsey taylor]

I have an only child who's 7. There was only once that I thought I wanted a second one. But since that moment I've never looked back. I'm happy with my one. But after reading your post and remembering that babydom... well I felt a pang. I just want to say, THANKS A LOT! :)