Who's the fairest parent of them all?

Since my husband travels for work almost half the month, when he goes away it's no big deal.

But when I go away, it becomes a bit of a production. A soap opera really. Except instead of 91 year old actresses whose faces are tighter than young children wailing about my departure, they are actually young children.

And they are very very good at what they do.

My early morning flight meant good-byes were done at bedtime, with my two middle children gleefully silenced by my offers of prizes (beads! boas! booze!).

My oldest, however, became overwhelmed by tears during my ritual pep talk that involves asking her to help Daddy and how cool it is to be the big sister and that I won't be gone for long which usually gets me a look that says "BULLSHIT MOTHER" at which point she continues weeping until I offer her prizes too.

Lately, her relationship with my husband has been a bit strained, some of it due to typical six-year-old angst (which I hope is not an indication of how things will be when she's a teenager because that is just cruel) and also because my husband can be a bit challenging.

"He's mean," she explained, which is really her way of saying "stressed" and "frazzled" - something that often happens when he's alone with the kids (usually just three) for an extended period of time.

Like four hours.

But even when he's home for longer than a few days and I'm there with him, he often gets visibly frustrated which translates as short and impatient or to a 6-year-old, mean.

And I get it. I get annoyed and tired and frustrated because parenting is hard and parenting four kids is really hard and I'd probably long for the solitude of an airplane cockpit and a quiet hotel room. I'm often jealous of his schedule, particularly between the hours of 6pm and bedtime when all hell breaks loose.

I've also been tempted to call him every time I wake up to feed the baby but I fear karma would bit me sorely on the ass for that one.

I also do my best to disregard the fact that he will actually be enjoying the solitude of the airplane cockpit and a quiet hotel room very shortly and should just suck it up and slap a smile on his face).

I had to laugh a bit when she told me.

"But Mommy yells an awful lot. I'm much meaner than Daddy!" I reminded her.

And it's true. With all my husband's impatience, he rarely loses his temper like I do.

She thought for a minute and then responded.

"But...," she hesitated, "you say you're sorry."

I squeezed her and combed her hair with my fingers. I never really knew if my apologies actually meant anything, even though I made a point to say sorry when my behavior was wrong.

"Mommies make bad choices too" I tell them. "I'm so sorry, will you forgive me?"

By that time, they're usually on to something else, or consuming "Mommy was an asshole today" cupcakes, a recipe I've perfected over the last few months, and aside from a head nod or a "Yeah, sure," I never really know if they're really listening.

Well, apparently they are.

And even better, those sorries mean something.

That night my daughter gave me the most amazing gift: Freedom from the guilt and worry I've been carrying around for all the times I've lost my shit.

And confirmation that I am, in fact, the better parent.

Ha.

Comments

[Damsel]

I apologize like that, too. Your post gives me hope that maybe (just maybe) the apologies are getting through.

Thanks. And I think I need that cupcake recipe.

[loran]

Great post!! I feel better already. Now where is the cupcake mix....

[Stephanie - Home with the Kids]

I apologize when I yell at my kids too. I want them to know that it's okay to admit when you've done something wrong, and to try to do better... no matter how far up the wall they're driving me.

[Shangy]

Lorrie...I find it so interesting that you come to a blog that you so obviously cannot relate to or cannot understand. Very, very interesting. I am thinking that maybe you should find another blog where motherhood is perfect and motherhood is not tiring or challenging and everything is roses and chocolates. Now THAT would be interesting...if you can find one. Ta-Ra!

[Meagan @ The Happiest Mom]

I FREQUENTLY freak out, and all I have to offer then is an apology and a promise that I'll try harder next time. And I am making progress....slowwwwwly. But I still mess up, a lot. I really believe the willingness to apologize makes a HUGE HUGE difference--obviously it does for your daughter.

I think in general it's easier for the parent who's not around as much to seem more easy-going, because they don't have the pressure of everything falling apart hanging over their heads to the same degree.

[squorkymama]

Funny, I was just wondering if I said "Sorry" too much in this house, since my 3yr old daughter says, "I'm sorry, Mama" about 20 times a day, with only half of those instances being apology-worthy. (My Grandma will apologize for clouds covering the sun, as if she personally failed in not producing the perfect day - don't want to go there). But reading this, and knowing that she hears us saying it as often as necessary...that makes me less concerned. She'll figure out true context later.

[Lindsay]

My parents were great, but they never apologized for anything. Never, ever. Because parents cannot be wrong. And I was really resentful about that growing up. So I find myself apologizing to my kids quite a bit. I can tell my 7-year-old appreciates it, too, and she often cuts me more slack than I think she would if I didn't.

[Amanda]

Lorrie, you're an asshole. She was not complaining about parenting in this post. And even if she was...so what? A woman can't vent? On her own blog? Really?

[Lorrie]

I find it so interesting, that you keep having children - when clearly, all you do is complain about parenthood. Very, very interesting.

[Amanda]

Six is tough, but I am also finding it to be a really amazing, sort of break through age.

[Sarah M]

Yay! I knew apologizing was the right thing to do :) Even if my 4-year old hasn't made me feel it yet - this does!

[how do you get pregnant]

Little ears are listening. I guess we don't give them enough credit! It is however comforting to know that innocent young minds are so quick to forgive.

[Kelly]

Love hearing this. Cause I know I apologize when I'm unreasonable, often because I'm tired and forget she is only 3.... glad to know it does sink in.

[Julie Marsh]

Apologies do matter. I know too many adults who wish our own parents had bothered to acknowledge their mistakes. We're changing that for our children.

[Karen (SubMommy)]

I get called mean on a daily basis. I'm not as cool as you, though, 'cause I'm not real sorry. Just because I say no to the 15th request for jelly beans, doesn't make me mean. For Boy Child, "No" equals "Mean."

[Teresa]

If my husband and I get heated about anything, my 3 year old always busts in with telling me to "stop fight with daddy!" It makes me a mess every time, because it is never directed toward him. The other day, I apologized after and she said "Its ok, mommy. Its not your fault." Does she even know what fault is? But it felt so nice having that forgiveness.

[BriBedell]

So your saying i'm not the only mother who gets bat shit crazy when her kids lose there minds. Causing me to then lose my own. God damn feels nice to not be alone!!!

[The Mommy Therapy]

I so very much related to this post in regards to the Mommy guilt over losing my shit. I do that often and have made many, many apologies about not acting the way that I should.

My husband is often gone as well, but is the exact opposite of yours in that he is often overly permissive and it takes a long time to anger him. He hates to be the mean one since he is so rarely around, something that creates quite a bit of difficulty in the discipline arena. We're screaming for a Nanny 911 episode to be filmed here soon. :)

So nice to know that for all our screaming, our saying sorry is not only heard, but it counts.

Thanks for sharing!

[Manic Mommy]

Can you send me the asshole cupcake recipe? Andy's been unemployed for 4.5 months and the stress level around here is running a bit high. Culminating with more than our usual share of yelling.

In related news, how do you like Atlanta and what do you know of Duluth??

[Sara]

I have to say that, I am very lucky to have married a man that co-parents with me. But there are times when he frustrates the HELL outta me. Those days when he walks in from his day at work, out of the house, and I am basically throwing a temper-tantrum because my dear children have driven me crazy! And what does he say, "cool it". All I am thinking is Really? and I say to him, You haven't been here. It really pisses me off that in the middle of my melt-down, his response is for me to "cool it". Okay, so that aside, He will also come in when things have not been going well and "whip" the kids into shape, not literally. There are more of those time, and I love him for it. I am usually the asshole, I am MeanOldMom (MOM).

[carosgram]

LOL Thinking of you and wishing you the best