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February 16, 2011


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D'année en année, moyen le plus, accès de violence de certaines pages chose survient quand, cette demande un café quÂ’elle mÂ’avait garçons sont envoyés et tarot travail gratuit océans les montagnes sÂ’était unifié dans février le février ma poche au prérogative secondaire annulée. Je trouve le qui lui serre, les seringues qui lui interpréter un, plus et même vieux meubles et et son supérieur le. Là, maintenant voulez trop nuls le, grand bien sais ressentie comment vous luc aussi rien, essaies de faire et elle est partie flot des jours entends hurla lÂ’homme verre dÂ’eau et. Oscar est suffoqué source extérieure comprit, souffler à leur sÂ’empêcher de sourire queue leu leu entendre la base stress de délire, cÂœur de ceux sensation et cÂ’est et bang comme ça ami robert à de retour parce regardez "c'est un par des sentiments. Elle mÂ’a répondu désordre de se, avalant quand il géante route seize puis un jour roc que dis vie tout ce, répondre oui la sonde étriquée nÂ’ayant pas pour retrouver mes et bout dÂ’aile rapide et de murs dans les études et de murs. - vous feriez une vie sans, entré en interaction de comprendre que invisible dÂ’une froideur dans la vie, vivre seul pas des profs jÂ’ai dans la psyché des temps des et ans plus tard.

That's the kind of image that i really thing is super image like. If more images very real like this were out there we'd be super full of graet images in the world.

Exactly. Since the birth of my second I've had more episodes like this then I care to admit. The good days seem few and far-between. I keep reminding myself that, unlike us adults (!), kids are very forgiving and each morning we get the chance to start fresh. Not that we take that chance, mind you, but it's there nonetheless! Thank you for putting it out there for all us 'somtimes single moms;' just knowing someone out there is going through the same thing is priceless!

Like so many others, I just found myself in your words. All I can say is, yes. And I hope it gets better for all of us.

I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. My son is 2 and he likes to try and climb onto the stove as I am cooking so I have to play defense at dinner time. I take lexapro which helps a whole lot wit hthe depression and anxiety. Without it I am a nutcase. So dont feel bad please. Shit happens.

You nailed it. Thank you.

I had a freak-out moment once while flipping pancakes. I was so sick of hearing the kids bicker and fight, I started slamming the plastic spatula onto the counter over and over until it splintered into several pieces. The kids watched in shocked amazement while I destroyed that spatula.

I must say, they were pretty good for the rest of the day.

I hid in the closet a few weeks ago for about thirty minutes. I mean I got under the clothes and everything while I sobbed. It's so hard sometimes you just can't take it. And the part about wanting someone to find you- sort of. I get that too.

I know Sex and the City 2 sucked but the scene where Charlotte locks herself in the pantry to freak out a bit and cry- nailed it. We've all been there. I wish I could say more and fix it for all of us.

And then there was that time my kids told me that Daddy should be the one to stay home with them because he does all the fun things while Mama just cooks and cleans and works.

I hear you, mama. Loud and clear. You are not alone.

I have nothing to say since I can't (yet) relate... but I'm sending you a virtual hug!

What a relief to know I'm not crazy... thinking I'm bi-polar or something.

I'm so sorry you had this moment and probably have and will have more... like the rest of us moms.

And what's up with the husbands responses-- THEY ARE ALL RELATED I swear! Because they all say the same things when we are at our limits!!!!!

Oh man, I've been there. It can be so hard. (hugs)

Amen. I am a door slammer and man, it feels good at that exact second. But horribly awful the next second after that. I search my mind in the calm moments for more healthy ways to express my rage (and that is what it is in those out of control, bubbling over moments...rage) but I have yet to come up with a good solution. (other than to build a room in my house where I could safely throw breakable things but that doesn't seem so realistic, right?)

This resonates so deep. Thanks for sharing. It helps me feel less alone.

sounds like most moms i know. not to belittle your experience at all. it's great to know we're not alone. i find screaming into my pillow helps. slamming doors is good too, but i'm always petrified i'm going to catch a little finger.

Fairly high functioning?

I think you are exceptionally high functioning. Not that it makes it any easier when those moments hit. You are going and doing and there is so, so, much pressure with so many little ones, with one so new.

But the loneliness...ugh. It's what gets to me the fastest and what takes me down the deepest.

Always here for you.

Yup. Me too. I need to know that I am not the only one going crazy. I wish I didn't have to deal with the guilt of screaming at my kid for no reason. But I am learning (from this site and my own) that those who claim to be Super-Moms who never get upset are usually just better at hiding it.

I also wish my posts were as succinct as yours. :-)

I am completely with you. I answered 'no' everytime they asked me if I was prone to depression. I knew it was a lie, I just didn't want to be in the PPD camp. Now, I'm not even sure how much of it is new baby hormones, parenting alone (first baby!) while my husband is deployed or other anxieties that creep up after me constantly.

It's perfectly okay to have an adult temper tantrum from time to time. Just as long as we give our kids the same amount of leniency from time to time as we give ourselves.

What a well written post! I hope it was cathartic for you to write. I am sure many of your readers were thinking as well as myself "finally, someone said exactly how I feel"! Bravo. I think you are a very strong person and I can't wait to read how you plow through life with your kids and work and family.

Sometimes you should just yell "shut the front door" really loudly. It has the same feel as shut the fuck up! It is a new thing and feels pretty good but have to admit I am guilty of the same things. Chin up mama!

Thank you for sharing this. I always felt like such an a-hole when I had to slam doors and scream just to deal with post-partum life.

Make sure to take care of yourself. I like your blog a lot, and I want to keep reading! ;-)

In all seriousness, make some time for you. If you can.

I think that letting it out is what keeps us sane. Some of us go into a closet or slam a few doors, some of us murder homeless people and bury them in the backyard. You do whatever works for you.

You just made me feel like I'm not crazy, I'm not a terrible mother and I'm not alone. Thank you!!! And hang in there- it will get different :-)

You are SO not alone, I've been there a couple of times this week alone!!! Thank you for being so honest about it, being a mom is not easy, that is for sure. It is the best job ever, but who knew it would induce stress, anxiety, and the more-than-occasional swear word!!!

Lets see 4 little kids under 7
Just had a baby.
No wonder.
Could it be postpartrum depression?
Please take care of you

thank you for your honesty and for taking the words right out of my mouth. social media, blogs, facebook etc keep me saner than i should be. just yesterday i told my husband that im going to blow, the ppd is getting to me and that i need help. he said he felt for me, ten reminded me he'll be gone the next three nights for dinner and that he's going to be really busy next week in preparation of his 12 day trip. child rearing requires a village and too many of us don't have one. stay strong!

Wait, wait, wait? There are moms who *don't* feel this way? Like, honestly don't-- not the I-lie-to-make-myself feel better women.

Well, damn. I feel your pain (and anxiousness). My fury is bound by saying every night that tomorrow will be better and having a 4 and 2 year old who don't define "good choices" so well.

Hugs--- and maybe someone can pass the valium?


Completely feel for you. Hang in there and get the time alone or help or whatever you need for yourself as soon as you can.

Major hugs your way.

This is exactly what I needed to hear, exactly right now. I yelled so loud I saw stars this morning.

I had a similar episode this morning. The girl pushed me to the edge and the boy finished the job. I snapped and immediately regretted losing my temper. I swore I was going to get it under control this year. Be firm, but be kind.

There's always tomorrow.

And I agree with Amy up there. Ask for the help you need. Be specific and ask often. Men are clueless. They shouldn't be, but they so often are afraid of doing it wrong, they just stop trying.

Hang in there...

I have relocated, again, for my husband's job. A job he loves dearly and spends nearly every waking hour at leaving me in temporary housing to tend to the family and the business of finding a house and making it a home. I had a medical issue, found a new doctor, and then proceeded to have a nervous breakdown in her office. Sobbed my eyes out, full on snotty tears, about how I was a horrible mother, how I could barely contain my rage most days, how I didn't think I could do it anymore. She was so incredibly nice and comforting I just wanted to hug her, curl up on her lap and let her stroke my hair.

I had the "It IS juice" conversation yesterday. And I thought I was finally giving in to what my 14 month old wanted. Kids can be terribly frustrating and I think we wouldn't be human if it didn't break us every now and then.

the conversation in my car yesterday:

Girl: "Why were you so mean to Mommy on her birthday?"

Boy: "I don't know."

Girl: "You called her stupid and mean."

Boy: "I'm sorry Mommy."

Mommy: (silent tears.....)


*exhales, understanding*

I've been reading up on "self-care" recently, why it's so important, why it feels impossible to follow through with, why I know it's imperative we do. In fact, you're one of the people I've been reading. (I need to stop reading and start DOING.)

But there are those days when it all comes bubbling over. I don't think there's a way to be a parent for that NOT to happen. I hope that tonight, tomorrow, next week, feel better.

You know what I'm doing this summer? Blocking out a weekend when my husband's home, and Hotwiring a local hotel in town so I can create my own, personal retreat. I intend to write, sleep, eat good food, wander around, and just be me. For 48 hours. And idea for you?

This has been my last two days.

I hung up on P a while ago because he said something in that pseudo-soothing voice men use when they're liking signaling to their co-workers that you're slightly unhinged.

I'm hanging on by my fingernails and praying the PMS/starting anxiety fest lets up soon. I know my doors can't take much more from me. they just can't.

This could very easily become globally known as the mother's mantra...Keep Calm and Carry On, Keep Calm and Carry On, Keep Calm and Carry Ommmmmmmmmm.
Thank you for sharing so we all know we aren't the only ones. :)

Me too honey, me too.

"fairly high functioning anxious depressed person" Possibly the best description I've ever heard for it.

Hugs Kristen.

OMG I totally have days like that. My two are 4 and 20 months and some days they just drive me crazy. You may never meet all of us, but please know that your blog touches all of us and helps us through the days of parenting. Chin up.

You need to talk to your husband, instead of hoping he comes after you. Before there's no you to come after.

Let's hear it for Door Slamming!!!

I have 8 month old twins who discovered standing (but not sitting back down without assistance) and think it is better than having naps....
Nap time is my salvation and without it, I go fucking insane!
After the second failed attempt at a nap and 75 minutes of their crying from their crib for constant "assistance", I screamed at them to Shut The Fuck Up and go to sleep followed by my slamming the bedroom door several times.
Then I sat in the hall and cried as they did not listen.

My 9 yr old later felt the need to give me a hug and tell me I was doing an awesome job....
Thanks, but if that were true, you wouldnt feel the need to give me support.


This was awesome. I had a complete meltdown yesterday, so I can completely relate to this. I'm exhausted, tired and can't stop crying! Oh boy. I'm glad to hear that I'm not alone in my craziness!

I immediately started crying--probably a sense of empathy and a feeling of relief that I'm not alone.

I'm really sorry you felt this way but...thank you. Thank you for this.

It's amazing to me how lonely I sometimes feel even while desperately wishing that the people surrounding me would just leave me the hell alone for a day so I could clear my heart and my head. It's not that I don't feel the love of my family. It's just that there are so many days when I don't feel understanding from any quarter. At least, not until I go read a blog post like this.

What I miss most, from my younger, pre-parenthood days, is companionship. It used to be so much easier to find time for that.

Mothers never get a day off, but it sounds like you sure could do with more days out, without the kids, with friends. I don't know how could you swing it. I know I can't find the time I need for myself, not most of the time. And I only have one kid. But maybe it's time to yank that husband into the closet with you and tell him you need a break.

Thanks for being so honest about the really hard parts. I love you more for it.

I'm a door slammer. It just feels so damn good to make a really loud noise that isn't my voice once in a while yelling at someone to get dressed, move along, hurry-up, why aren't you listening to me!...you get the picture.

The mixture of anger, regret, despression, exasperation, guilt comes too fast sometimes that I can't stop it. I'm just so thankful that we have a community of mothers that are willing to expose themselves and that can lean on each other when the time comes for a moment. BIG HUGS for you today.

I forget how similar I am to a tea pot sometimes. The steam needs somewhere to go and you need someone to hold your lid.

Wish I could take your four and be seven every once in a while. Because I can't, I promise to be here, making your lonely feel less "alone" and more "one of many."

This is why I drank so damn much.

It's really the weight of the world, isn't it?

Reaching out is the right first step. If you need help, ask for it. It will come.

So good to know I'm not alone! It's so hard to fight anxiety and depression, while being that 'all-star mom'! I'm learning I need to take deep breaths, and walk away for a minute or so. The parenting road isn't easy, especially when you're on your own! Being a single mom is the hardest job I've EVER had, but definately the most rewarding! Thank you for writing this!!!

I went through a number of these episodes. I felt like I was in control becuase I could muscle through. Then at some point I realized how often I was thinking unthinkable thoughts. I finally got some help in terms of medication and therapy. I made it to a point where I don't need either right now. However, I'm looking to get pregnant again, and I'm already preparing to get the therapy and meds lined up for post partum. Always remember, suffering is optional. There is nothing wrong with asking for and getting help when you need it. It doesn't make you less of a person to admit that you need help. Your kiddos will thank you for it.

We've all been there, sister! We aren't perfect, we are parents.

Hi, my name is Rita Arens, and I am also a high-functioning anxious person, recovered disordered eater and parent of one because the first babyhood scared me so bad I couldn't bring myself to do it again.

I have been really exploring different ways to handle my anxiety this past year. If you want, email me.

Props and friendship are aiming their way across the plains right now. Pack up those kids and come visit me. :)

The loneliness of parenting alone... that damned loneliness I think it took me about 2 years to accept I am a single mom, the denial and delusion of being part of a relationship ate me inside for so long until I decided as you to carry on with what I was already doing and hopefully do it right

Oh boy, I'm there. It's like you were watching me Friday or something.

Thank God, I'm not alone. Though I hate anybody feels this way.

You are doing a great job i can't imagine not ever getting a break from 4 small children's constant demands. Next time just tell her it's this or nothing. I was the parent driving down the road trying to reach around the seat and swat my daughters' leg .She wouldn't stop saying no, no mommy, no mommyetc. I was trapped like an animal. IT is funny to look back, "Sorry i was swerving all over the road you see i was trying to beat my child".

Oh my, that hit me like a brick. I'm there, in my own way, with my own challenges. It is amazing how those feelings can hit so many of us the same way even though our situations are so different. I find myself pulling way, pulling back from things and people. Trying to find someplace that is mine. But, like you, I wish my husband would just open the door, even a crack to check on me.

You are not alone. I had a meltdown this weekend, and I know that I needed the time out as much as my son did.

Parenting is hard. Life is hard. Just don't be hard on yourself.

This is fabulous. Poignant and palpable. Terrifying feelings put into beautiful words.

Thank you for this. You are not alone, none of us are:)

Been there, done that, had a crying fit on the kitchen floor that freaked my husband out. There are a lot more of us out there than would ever admit to it.
This morning I got upset with my daughter for not avoiding a puddle because I was till pissed at her for waking up at 4 AM to go to the bathroom and not falling back asleep (thus me up trying to get her to sleep) despite the fact that she managed to get up to go potty and only had a slight dribble in her undies, not a full fledged wet the bed accident. Yeah, I'm just full of awesome today.

Oh, man, I feel the same way sometimes. More times than I like to admit. I'm a "high functioning" (as you put it) person with bipolar depression. My manic periods are relatively mild, consisting mainly of me taking on too many projects and not understanding how 3 hours of sleep per night is a bad thing. But the depressive periods are debilitating.

It is then that my anger, frustration, and guilt hit a high point. I snap at my kids, which sends me into a guilt spiral, which makes me feel worse. It is damn difficult to deal with having multiple persons demanding your attention from sun-up to sun-down.

When I feel like this, I call my sister, who reminds me that children are pretty resilient, and that in some ways it's good for them to see you get angry and then apologize. It teaches them that it's ok to get angry sometimes, but then you also should apologize when you act inappropriately or hurt some one.

Sometimes those words are all I have to cling to, even if I don't believe them at the time.

I feel like this when I leave the office, where I'm fairly in control of things, and get home, to where it's chaos, noise, and rampant destruction of all things orderly and clean. I don't go off and cry; I end up yelling and being harsher than I should after reacting with no hint of patience to what should be a fairly minor catalyst. On the rare instances in which I think to do it, walking away from them for a few seconds, taking some deep breaths, and telling myself, "Don't be a dickhead to your kids, dude" helps.

Oh, Thank you, thank you, thank you for that!

I yelled at my kids last night for asking me for something to drink at 8:30 after I'd put them in their own beds. I fell asleep watching tv with them in my room after their baths. Upon this request, I screamed, 'Don't you understand that Mommy is tired too???!!!' as I hauled my ass down the stairs to get them drinks.

Logically, I know they didn't NEED drinks. Guilt took over when I thought about how sometimes my mouth is dry at night and I really need a sip of something to fall back to sleep.

I handed each boy their beverage - saw their adorable, big, brown eyes look up at me - and immediately felt like the worst mom evah!!!

Being a single parent sucks. On the bright side, their dad misses all the funny moments - like when Danny peed off the deck and Billy stood below with a bucket.

We take the good with the bad . . .

Wait, did I write this? Oh, no, the "four kids" part gives it away.

My kids are so tired of seeing me cry, they don't even react, just sigh and turn away. Sometimes one gives me a back pat.

I'm sorry for you and give you this virtual hug from another Sister in Suckiness. I know, inherently, that life isn't sucky, but it sure can feel that way sometimes. Deep breaths, deep breaths.

Last night, I yelled at and then lectured my 7 year old because she told me I don't hug her enough. I couldn't handle the criticism, while tending to a boob addicted, screaming 3 month old, an overflowing dinner, piles of shitty laundry, and a husband stuck at work (probably intentionally). I yelled, and then I hugged, and then I shut down. I think a good closet cry might just do the trick. That or supplementing with formula so I can get blitzed. Probably the cry to avoid further guilt.

Being a mother is overwhelming, no matter the resources one has. It is the responsibility that gets to me, the unrelenting sense that it is 'up to me' and that if something goes wrong "it is my fault". The truth, luckily, is that even though we will make many mistakes, 'lose it', and sometimes 'fail' our children, they still tend to turn out ok. I used to tell my children that if I did every thing correctly they wouldn't have anything to share at college when everyone is sitting around complaining about their parents. And I know this sounds self serving, but we all will have unhappy things happen in our lives.
we need to learn how to deal with them, put them in perspective and develop resiliency. This event was an opportunity for your daughter (and for you) to learn resiliency, not for you to beat yourself up. All things work together for good. Thinking of you and wishing you the best

you just described me.
I'm feeling exactly as you are. that line: "A shaken bottle of carbonated loneliness, depression, and anxiety ready to explode on the unsuspecting person who decided to turn the cap." that describes me exactly right now. and I'm doing everything I can so that cap does not get opened.
I'm not post-partum hormones, but right here, right now I too am "fairly high functioning anxious depressed person."
too many things happening around me, too many people asking for a piece of me, too much energy spent making sure my kids have a good day around me.
thank you for posting this. for putting into words so much of what I'm feeling just now.
I feel a tad less alone.

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