For the last week, Margot has been pooping in the potty, which makes perfect sense since my husband just bought a gigantic box of Pull-ups at Costco.
Pro-tip: If you're trying to get your kid to do something, go buy a huge expensive pile of what you won't need and then they'll do it.
I'm now trying to find alternate uses for Pull-ups, which are not nearly as entertaining as say extra tampons. Or condom lollipops.
Pull-ups do not make good water balloons. Trust me on that one.
Meanwhile, Pull-ups might be the worst things ever invented. Not only are they pretty much as effective and budget-friendly as sticking money in your kids' underpants when it comes to pee, but with poop, they are a complete nightmare.
I knew this, as you might guess, being on my 4th kid and all, but my husband, who is apparently not on his 4th kid, thought it would be cool if we had 525 Pull-ups.
He was not as pleased with himself when he was elected "Changer of she who shits in a Pull-up like it's her potty except the poop gets smashed in her ass."
I admit enjoying the show - the "try to change her standing up JESUS H" matinee or the "lay her down and try not to smash it OH MOTHEREFFER" double feature.
I think we added 5,678,101 baby wipes to the landfill over the last two months.
Well, I'm not exactly sure what happened, since we've been bribing her with everything from candy to a new baby doll to luxury vacations in Grand Cayman for the last few months.
You think I'm kidding. At least we won't be changing diapers while we're there. And I always say, you've got to find just what motivates them. Maybe for Margot it's a virgin Pina Colada on the beach.
But apparently you toss a few Trader Joe's jelly beans (which by the way Santa brought her in her "sock" but then she saw them at Trader Joe's and was like "OH MAH JELLY BEANS, MAMA!" and I was all like "I think Santa shops at Trader Joe's smart man that he is let's go try some pumpkin cream cheese!") her way and she runs to the potty every other hour or so and drops a pebble in the toilet.
That's right. I think she figured out that since she gets 3 jelly beans per visit, if she can spread out the visits throughout the day, she's basically getting half a box of jelly beans.
Meanwhile, I don't give a shit (ha get it?) because I'm not dealing with the Pull-up Potty.
And I have outsmarted her by giving her jelly beans based on her poop size!
Then I realized I was giving her jelly beans based on her poop size.
And that, folks, is why they pay me the big bucks.
Or jelly beans.