Motherhood Uncensored

Too square for foursquare

I've been fashionably late to adopting most of the social media outlets. I was roped into Twitter. I reluctantly returned to Facebook.

But there's no chance in hell you'll ever see me on foursquare, a site that uses GPS and your smart phone to allow you to share your location, find your friends, and earn points and deals, in case you were wondering.

I imagine it was created for young hipster city dwelling types with lots of friends who might stumble into their favorite corner coffee shop in their holey, unlaced Chuck Taylors and fingerless gloves, order their chai latte, and then have a moment or 12 to check in to see if any of their other young hipster city dwelling types were near by so they could meet up and drink their chai lattes together.

And then because they go to that same corner coffee shop every day, they rack up points, and become "The Mayor," which affords them a complimentary almond biscotti with their next purchase.

HELLS YEAH!

But Joe Schmoe in East Bumblefuck USA telling people he's checked in at Jimmy Bob's BBQ Shack?

Or a suburban mom who goes to the same five boring places?

Probably not.

But that doesn't stop people like Joe S. or burby mom from using it. And even better, those people start checking in everywhere, with notifications sent directly to Twitter and Facebook telling me that they've just checked in at Target.

"You are the mayor of the Shell Station on 5th and Grant!"

Suh-weet!

I can barely get all my kids out of the car and safely into the store, let alone whip out my phone and check in to let everyone know this. And considering I have very few friends, chances are if they were at the store, I'd run into them.

But beyond annoying, I really wonder if it's safe. Do people really need to know where you are at all times? Is it smart to check into places where your kids are - like their school?

I'm just not sure it's worth the points, and badges, and fake government titles.

Besides, the only thing I'd be mayor of is my bathroom. And that just doesn't have a very nice ring to it.

This I might just have to frame

Here and There

I know I shouldn't be surprised that Georgia might be cutting cursive handwriting from their public school curriculum. Apparently they're going to replace it with a "Texting" class.

Okay. I'm kidding. Though I know a few people who need to be put in a "LOL" time out.

You know who you are! LOL!

*****

In case you were wondering how I ended up with four kids and parent them without the "she who was cut out to have many children" gene (I know that's not real but I swear some moms just make the many children thing look so easy and I'm not talking about Heidi Klum and her four nannies but boy do I get the appeal of that), I'm writing about it in my new column at Parent Dish.

It's called "The Condom Broke."

That's what happens when you ask Mom 101 to help you come up with a title for your new column.

*****

And finally, if you're a Real Housewives of Beverly Hills fan, you should read the Gawker recaps that I do not write.

I dare you not to piss yourself.

There's a first time for everything

So after six years, four kids, and way too many tears over noses turned down at bottles and eyes rolled at people whose babies slept through the night at three months, it finally happened.

Bridget took the bottle. She slept all night long.

Go ahead. Roll your eyes at me. I would too.

Aaaaaaand I got my first judgy comment about my parenting choices.

Now we've been struggling around here with my six-year-old who is ready for more responsibility but doesn't quite get that she can actually do a lot on her own now. Like get her own drinks. Or make her own sandwiches.

Or wipe her own butt without using half a roll of toilet paper and clogging the toilet every single time.

So while we were on the beach a few days ago, she begged us for a floating mat, which cost about $6 to rent for all of maybe 30 minutes that she would use it. We decided that if she wanted it, she would need to walk the 25 yards to the rental hut and get it herself.

It seemed fair enough. 

And so, with several reminders not to lose our key card, we sent her away to get it.

And wouldn't you know, a few minutes later, she came back, a large mat in hand. And a receipt.

But no key card.

We chastised her a bit and made her go back to look for it, and then sit on our lounger so that we could talk to her. As this all was happening, a woman told my husband that someone had picked it up and handed it to a waiter.

When I came back to search for the card, my husband politely asked the woman who had told him this just to clarify or at least get an idea of what the waiter looked like.

She turned to us and said, "Like I told you - someone handed it to a waiter. But maybe you shouldn't have been so stupid to make your daughter go get that heavy mat by herself."

We both looked at each other in complete shock. Speechless. Then imagining all the things we'd love to be able to say or do had it been under different circumstances.

I don't regret my decision to send her to get her own mat (which, by the way, was not heavy). Nor for making her sit out for a few minutes to understand the consequences.

With independence comes responsibility. And they're two of the greatest gifts I can give my children.

It was a learning experience for both of us, but boy do I wish I had lost my drink. Right on that woman's head.

Stupid is as stupid does, right?

Bridget - 3 months