Out of the x-rated mouths of babes

Even at a young age, my kids have all spoken quite well. Aside from the cute "Hopter Copter" for Helicopter, "Bullderazer" for Bulldozer, or "Ahjun" for Orange, all their words have been fairly easy to understand.

Then Margot came along and turned that all upside down.

I've never been good at understanding people anyway, which is a little surprising since half my family has really strong Chinese accents, and I worked with children and adults with disabilities for a very long time. Between the two, I should be a champ.

However, that's not the case.

I find myself doing the very annoying "What did she say?" to my husband, who, for some reason, knows exactly what she's talking about.

Except for "orange." She actually says orange like my Chinese grandmother. That I get!

But along with being pretty hard to understand at times, she really does say the funniest things - you know, the things that you hear people talk about and you don't completely believe actually happen.

I mean, does your kid really say "COCK" for clock? And if so, do you really need to ask them to say it over and over again and laugh like a bunch of 5 year olds who keep saying "butt" over and over?

Then Margot started saying "SHITYOU" for tissue. And yes, it's just as funny as it sounds, the 4000 times I ask her what she needs to wipe her nose with.

Yesterday, she was playing with a new lego set that has two horses.

"Look mom, I have two PUSSIES!" she exclaimed.

I did a double take. Then snorted.

Yeah, yeah. I'm a 12 year old boy.

But man, I couldn't make this stuff up if I've tried. And for all the crap we have to wipe off their butts after they poop in a freaking pull-up, I should be able to get a little satisfaction at their expense.

Alright, so let's hear the funniest way you've heard a kid say a word.

Comments

[vvsjon]

Though, that wasn't as bad as what he thought our cat's name was. (I have been known to proclaim my hatred and utter disdain for this particular cat..

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[Catherine]

My 2-year-old has a sweater with a big snowflake on it that she loves. The other day she walked up to me and barked "So F*uck off, Mummy!" I did a bit of double-take until I realized she was simply asking me to help her take the sweater off...

[Amber]

We too have the cock for clock, fuck for fork, firefuck for firetruck, and ho hos for santa.......Unfortunately, the following conversation took place at the firehouse where my hubby works when I was visiting with my 2.5 yo on Christmas eve: "mommy cock...when ho hos coming. Daddy can ho hos ride the firefuck?"

[Heather]

A friend of mine's son called hot dogs "hot cocks" for a while. Loved that one.

[marty]

Unfortunately, Christopher talks fairly clearly. Yesterday he let out a "Fuck me" in frustration.

I've GOT to clean up my mothereffin potty mouth.

[Melissa]

For some reason my daughter calls the cartoon Dora "Dora the e'sploder" which just sounds so dirty to me.

[Jennifer]

Yeah. This one is not about my kids so much as me. When I was little (like 2, mind you this is second hand from my father) I mispronounced Chips and Dip as Chips and Dick. By far, my favorite food. Dad took me to the grocery store and I decided I wanted to buy chips and dip... so I started asking.. repeatedly for chips and dick. "I want dick, Daddy!!! Dick, Daddy, Dick! Get me some Dick!!" My Dad said he left the cart and got the hell out of there. Never took me to the store alone again. I guess people were looking at him funny LMAO

[Melissa]

At the dinner table at my in-laws, my mother-in-law turned off the tv just as we started eating. My, then 21 month old, exclaimed 'F*CK!!' after the TV was turned off. We all looked at each other in disbelief at how mad she was that the TV was turned off. We later noticed, she exclaiming 'Frog' which was on the TV before it was turned off.

[Nicole]

I missed this post last week and am now at working crying from laughing so hard. I have a 7 month old daughter and am anxious to hear what her choice of words will be! Thanks everyone for the laughs.

[b]

Haven't read them all, but my nephew shouted to my sister, "Look Mommy, A DUMBF*CK!" He was two and meant 'dumptruck'. His very classy grandfather told him to call his grandmother a 'dumptruck' and he spent dinner singing, "Nanny is a dumbf*ck!" over and over.

Also, the first time my husband met my family I told the little guyt to call him a 'dumptruck'. Needlenss to say, my sister was happy when the kid started pronouncing the word correctly.

[SarahB]

When my daughter was five, she asked me where her "slutty putty" was. It took me a minute to realize she was looking for her plastic egg of silly putty!

[Amy]

We discovered our 2 yr old says ocean in a way that it sounds like "oh sh*t" so for now we avoid saying ocean and say beach instead.

[Jessica in Canada]

When my son was learning to read he tried really hard, even for words that were really difficult. We were driving past Fuddrucker's (a hamburger restaurant) and he was like "Mom, I want to go to Fuddf**ckers!"

[Emily]

My older boys were on a soccer team named Blue Falcon Rockets (several 5-6 year olds couldn't agree so they chose both names...go figure). My 2 year old would scream at every game (several times and very loudly), "GO BOO F*CKY RUCKETS!!"

[Liza]

I love this thread!

Josie's favorite present from Santa is the ugliest, most hideous, toxic-looking plastic/rubbery caterpillar I've ever seen. She calls it "patterkiller."

When Noah was a toddler, he couldn't say "excuse me" but he had lovely manners, so after he burped, he would say, "me-me." We still use that one.

[Christie B]

OMG..you'll made my day... I was having such a boring day at work and this just brighten it up...Thanks..Too funny!!!

[How Does She Do It Mom]

No dirty nasty word switches but my 5 year old daughter has the cutest flubs with words...

"Frope" for throat
"Beakfist" for breakfist

The "frope" one kills us every time..we will make her say it ten times just so we can laugh and oooh and ahhh!!

[Mama Bub]

My kid couldn't say his "r"s for a while so shirt, fork and bridge sounded like sh*t, f*ck and b*tch.

[Molly]

My son always tells me I have to "follow the destructions" instead of "follow the instructions".

[Jennifer G.]

When my youngest was born my two year old called him Pooper instead of Cooper. But the best was when my oldest was about 18 months, his little friend called him "Fucker" since she couldn't say the T in Tucker. Good times.

[Alaina698]

My 21 month-old thinks that all soda is root beer and he calls root beer "beer." It was hilarious at the Christmas party at my very religious husband's aunt's house when he said loudly "want beer mama."
He also says cock for clock of course!

[@sweetbabboo]

The other day, my son was struggling with getting eggs on his fork. When he finally got it, he was so excited he shouted, "Mama, look. I forked it up. I forked it up good."

Made me giggle because we all know how 3 year olds can really fork things up.

-Abby

[Emily]

My oldest distinctly said DUMBF@CK for dumb truck, and when excited would yell, "Look Mom, it's a really BIG DUMB F@CK!"
My youngest brother used to say TITTIES for kitties. Once he a conversation with my husband, " I don't like those wild titties." To which my husband replied "oh, you will!"

Oh and we had a long talk one night with my 3 year old who was convinced that peanut butter was penis butter. Hilarious!

[Sarah]

Drive Hwy 280 in Birmingham daily and you'll think you are in Atlanta most mornings. Lots of traffic means plenty of trucks. Dump Trucks included or as my 3yo preferred to call them "Look Mommy! A Dumb F*ck!" "Hey Mommy there's another Dumb F*uck!". I often wondered if he was really incredibly astute about some of the morning commuters.

[Kelly]

If you're at all familiar with Trio building blocks this will be much easier to visualize. A preschool student of mine made a screwdriver-looking tool out of Trio's and proceeded to approach me and every student by exicitedly exclaiming,"I'M GONNA SCREW YOU!...LOOK! I'M SCREWING YOU."

[Daddy Geek Boy]

The Bean used to call dates "date grapes" but he couldn't properly pronounce "grape" so it sounded like he was saying "date rape."

[brigid]

My niece has always called me Aunt Bridge, but before that came out clearly, I was called Aunt Bitch.

: )

[Alison]

I am laughing so hard at all of these comments! Too funny. Our 3 year old loves Toy Story. In the second one, when they show the large cut out of Woody, my son always says, "look Mommy, it's a giant Woody!".
Nice.

[Jen]

My 2yo also says f*ck for both truck and fork. And cock for clock. I also remember my daughter at about the same age yelling out what sounded like "bitch! bitch!" excitedly from her carseat. I was about to get really upset when I realized we were driving across a bridge. :)

[Courtney]

I have a friend who's kid attended a daycare at church when they were younger. The little girl also replaced f for tr. Their grandpa came to get them one day from school and drove his pickup which they loved!!!!! When class let out they were running down the hall and she screamed out repeatedly "papa's in the f*ck. Papa's in the f*ck!!!!". In the middle of the church. Priceless!!!

[Danna]

When my middle daughter was 2 she would change the word "fork" into "f*ck". At dinner she would yell, "I dropped my f*ck!" Over and over again. One night we were having friends over for dinner and our daughter started yelling it again, the look on their faces was priceless.

[neena]

when my daughter was 2 she said 'buyerfuck' for fire truck. Still cracks me up!

[Joanna]

One of my little cousins called kitties "titties." Awesome since she was obsessed with them and would run all over yelling, "Here Titty Titty! Here Titty!"

The boys I babysit call the bean bags in a game set "fun bags." I've yet to clue them in on the double meaning there.

[Mina Lee]

yes my son does say cock for clock... yikes!!!!

[Karla]

My almost three year old pronounces Pumpkin as F*uckin. I am really missing halloween, and seriously considering keeping pumpkins in the house year round until she grows out of it.

[Erica]

My daughter used to say "dildo" rather than "armadillo". (We're from Louisiana, where there are dead armadillos on the side of the road every 1/4 mile, so it's a word she'd have reason to say often.)

[michelle]

we get asked for shits (chips) at lunch time..oh how funny these comments are!

[Kelly]

My son is three, and he still calls Elmo "Homo."
He likes playing Sesame street games on the computer. So he often can be heard asking to "please let's play homo games!"

[Kirsty]

When my elder daughter was small, there was a song about a rabbit that she liked (can't remember it now - she just turned 9!) and that had a lot of actions to go with it, which she always wanted me to do.
We live in France, so both girls speak French most of the time. The French for rabbit is "lapin". But Carla didn't pronounce the "l" sound very well, usually replacing it with a "t" sound. And in French "faire le tapin" means to be a prostitute. So you can imagine the looks I used to get when pushing her in her buggy with her squealing at me, "Maman, fais le tapin! Fais le tapin!"

[Kristi]

My daughter says "sun guns" for sunglasses. It's the only word I don't correct, as calling them sunguns makes them so extreme!

She's also been obsessed with private parts lately, so it's been a lot of "daddy has big penis!" "PENIS!" She would totally win the penis game.

[Morgan]

so funny! my daughter says the F word instead of fork. And she drops her fork constantly. "FORK, MAMA! FOOORK!"

[Bren]

Oh I wish I had one to add - I don't think I have ever laughed so hard at comments before!!

[Angela@beggingtheanswer]

My toddler also calls clocks "cocks." She also uses her middle finger to point to things. Awesome.

[Lauren]

I got a call from my daughter's daycare one day (she had just turned 2 at the time) to inform me that she told the teacher, "I have a big ol' penis!" I was shocked, knowing that my husband didn't walk around the house shouting that phrase, although I'm sure the daycare staff thought differently. After some discussion with her after school that day, I determined that she said, "I have on big girl panties!" I was happy to inform the teacher the next day!

[Julie]

I'm laughing until I'm crying..my 2 yr old sees Hello Kitty and yells Hello Tittie...extremely funny in the Hello Kitty section at Target.

[Melissa]

My daughter is replacing the K in "kiss" for a P. It's wasn't all that bad until recently that she's started giving little orders. This morning on the way to daycare she said "Daddy, you have to give mommy two pisses!!!" to which my Hus said he didn't think Mommy was in to that sort of thing.

The other freudian one we've had was when she came running up with two plastic hotdogs from her new kitchen food set. Which she apparently thought were "peanuts". Except that she pluralizes peanuts as "penutses" which sound awfully anatomical when squealed in excitement. I did a double-take and asked her what they were again and she explained, "Peanutses, you eat them!"

More interesting by far, though, have been her attempts to describe something she is lacking a word for. She'll pause and think and say the greatest things:
"Look, a picture of me playing in the purple Dirt Pond!!" (sand box)
"You have to wind the door to open it, mommy!" (turn the doorknob)

[J from Ireland]

My youngest used to call sugar fugar which sounds very like fucker, which we found highly amusing but not so funny when in the supermarket and she spots sugar and shouts fugar fugar!!

[KimberlyC]

Mine oldest girl was OBSESSED with dinosaurs, so she watched "the land before time" with my husband. Like all 47 of them. Then she would stack pillows to make a "focking mountain" aka a smokey mountain. Lots of LOL's out of that- we made her say it a LOT :)
She is almost 4 and speaks super clearly so we just had to get her to call the ditch a hole. We have even tried to work with that one, ala D D Ditch. She just yelled B! B! BITCH! and we scratched it and said "hole"

[shannon]

My son pronounced stick with a "d"

One day he picked one off the ground and said "Look I have a big d*ck"

Still makes me laugh when I remember that day. He was so proud. haha

[Val]

Oh my. My son isn't quite at this level of talking, but he does say "hehow" for horse. I think it has something to do with watching Ni Hao Kai-Lan.

[Laura]

My niece has recently learned how to count. She liked letting us all know at Christmas. Hearing "I can cunt! Nana, I can cuuuuuuuuuuunt!" and seeing my mother in-law's face was the best Christmas present I could have asked for!

[Rocat]

My son would call dump trucks "dumb fucks". So of course when I was driving and annoyed, I would call people dump trucks. He would shout "DUMB FUCK" from the back seat and I would feel much better while I cracked up. Apparently I am also 12. :)
Now he wonders why everyone would buy him t-shirts with pictures of dump trucks.

[Julie @ The Mom Slant]

I love "shityou." Those s-blends are tough, and CJ still misplaces her s-blend syllables occasionally.

We had friends whose daughter used to call that horrible pizza place "Fucky Cheese" so we'd repeatedly ask her where she wanted to have her birthday party.

[Nicole]

Mine says "shit" for "shirt" and "sit". Really.

So when she wants a shirt instead of a sleeper or something, she says "Shit! shit!"

And when she wanted me to sit somewhere she pats the chair or whatever and says "you shit!"

The first time she did that and I figured out what she wanted, Darren said to me, "I do not think that means what you think it means."

[amy]

My oldest always said bitch when he was trying to say fish. So my husbnad and I would always call his fish "Rotten Fishes" so our son would run around saying "Rotten Bitches"! Yup, we're 12.

[MU]

OMG These are awesome.

[Amanda]

We had "firefuck" for "firetruck." The "tr" sound was just elusive to my oldest for a long time, and hilarious to us, especially when my in laws took him to church with them.

[Kristy]

One of my daughters also said cock for clock. Last night in Mc Donalds she yelled, "I like Dr. Pecker!" It was her first taste of Dr. Pepper...

[Teresa]

I have yet to have a really great moment with my own kid, though there are words that we use from her that I have no idea where they came from. For instance, she calls straws "moose" wtf?! We have no idea why but its become a normal thing in our family.

Aside from that, I used to nanny two sweet girls and I remember hearing a story that was hilarious. Like Tara, the little one used to say f*ck instead of truck. They were waiting in the car in the driveway and there was a mail truck blocking their driveway. The older girl said "Daddy, why aren't we going?" And he said "We have to wait for him to move so we can leave. Its ok." and the little one said "Well, tell him to get the f*ck out of the way!"

HAHAHAHAAHA!

[jodifur]

My nephew used to say "I WILL FOLLOW ERECTIONS" when he got in trouble.

I'm pretty sure he meant directions.

[Tara]

LOL! My son used to say "f*ck" instead of "truck" and you know how obsessed little boys are with trucks. It was a total parenting win when he hollered it over and over again in the toy aisles of Target. Though, that wasn't as bad as what he thought our cat's name was. (I have been known to proclaim my hatred and utter disdain for this particular cat, apparently with small ears around as well.) In the sweetest 2-year-old voice, he called him "f*cking damn cat" and even though it was oh so wrong, all I could do was laugh until I thought I would pee.

[Goddess in Progress]

We've had some good ones, but the most unintentionally obscene was when my son was about 18-20-ish months old and obsessed with flags. On flagpoles (which he called "sticks").

Except, he dropped the "l" in "flag."

And his "st" in "stick" came out more as a "d".

Now, try shrieking "flag on a stick!!!" with his pronunciation, over and over and over again.

Oh lord.

[Shannon]

I guess I say "careful" a lot to my kids. When my oldest was learning to talk she started saying "careful" but for some bizarre reason it got twisted up and came out as a very clear "f*ck you". It was awesome. :)