Motherhood Uncensored

Be present

I'm not quite sure why this new year is more important to me than any other new year, but I've spent the last few days preparing.

My closet and drawers are purged of maternity clothes. Toys have been donated. And my cabinets and drawers are immaculately organized.

Hopefully that will last at least until January 2.

But more importantly, I want to take this opportunity to leave a few things behind.

Don't get me wrong. 2010 was a wonderful year, full of pregnancy weight gain.

Ha.

But since I can't just trim off those extra pounds and wish them well along with the rest of 2010, I figured I could send the year on its way with some extra baggage that needs to be permanently checked.

You can probably guess what's stuffed into those suitcases.

It's high time I let a lot go. My head needs the extra room for other more important things. And so does my heart.

And aside from a bunch of tangible goals that I won't bore you with, I hope to be more present in 2011.

For my husband, my children, and yes, even myself.

Happy New Year!

Out of the x-rated mouths of babes

Even at a young age, my kids have all spoken quite well. Aside from the cute "Hopter Copter" for Helicopter, "Bullderazer" for Bulldozer, or "Ahjun" for Orange, all their words have been fairly easy to understand.

Then Margot came along and turned that all upside down.

I've never been good at understanding people anyway, which is a little surprising since half my family has really strong Chinese accents, and I worked with children and adults with disabilities for a very long time. Between the two, I should be a champ.

However, that's not the case.

I find myself doing the very annoying "What did she say?" to my husband, who, for some reason, knows exactly what she's talking about.

Except for "orange." She actually says orange like my Chinese grandmother. That I get!

But along with being pretty hard to understand at times, she really does say the funniest things - you know, the things that you hear people talk about and you don't completely believe actually happen.

I mean, does your kid really say "COCK" for clock? And if so, do you really need to ask them to say it over and over again and laugh like a bunch of 5 year olds who keep saying "butt" over and over?

Then Margot started saying "SHITYOU" for tissue. And yes, it's just as funny as it sounds, the 4000 times I ask her what she needs to wipe her nose with.

Yesterday, she was playing with a new lego set that has two horses.

"Look mom, I have two PUSSIES!" she exclaimed.

I did a double take. Then snorted.

Yeah, yeah. I'm a 12 year old boy.

But man, I couldn't make this stuff up if I've tried. And for all the crap we have to wipe off their butts after they poop in a freaking pull-up, I should be able to get a little satisfaction at their expense.

Alright, so let's hear the funniest way you've heard a kid say a word.

Trip watch 2010

My husband has whittled down his monthly hours to just four. Four hours left to fly before they can't fly him anymore until January.

That's 74 freaking hours he's flown this month (up in the air time people - not hanging around an airport or anything).

Except they haven't called him. And today he's off. Which means that he could be called tomorrow. Or Saturday.

Since he only has four hours left, you can guess that it won't be a long trip. Out and back to Orlando a couple of times and he'd be done.

But they could fly him on Christmas Eve, overnight him, and then have him fly back from that somewhere on Christmas.

Yeah, suckage.

I'm really quite fine with him possibly not being here for Christmas because we go through this every single year and I'm used to it.

And really, there's nothing I (or he) can do.

But this year, the kids know that Christmas is two days away.

Damn Advent calendar.

And my husband is obsessed, as he has been all month long, even offering to work today on his off to so that he won't have to fly over the next two days, which they didn't take him up on.

So we sit. And wait. And try to figure out how to explain to the kids why Santa might be coming a day late.

A completely unsolicited review of the new Gap Long & Lean jeans because they made me squeal in the dressing room

I know I know. You're going - "What is this "REVIEW" of products? This is NOT a review blog.  I come here for the vagina jokes. And the whining. And to bitch at her for bitching about her in-laws."

I want my free will to read this stinkin' blog back!

But if you've had a baby and you're not Giselle "I'm a droid" Bundchen then you know about that point in time when you are ready to bravely venture out of your yoga pants and "See, I just worked out okay not really but I thought about it sort of" ensemble and  attempt to put on jeans.

And if you've had more than one kid, then you even make sure that they're a good two sizes up to not cause you emotional distress.

Well, I had reached that point a few weeks ago and relunctantly purchased a pair of Gap curvy jeans in a couple sizes up, because yeah, I'm curvy. Still. And a couple sizes up. Still. And while they fit, they were still a little low, and tight, and muffin-toppish.

But they weren't yoga pants and so I was feeling somewhat human.

Then I got this brilliant idea to do Cool Mom Tech videos for Best Buy only to remember that I'm two months post partum and I just returned to the land of clothes that can't double as pajamas.

And I have one pair of jeans that sort of fit. If I don't bend down and wear a really tight nursing tank.

So, I emailed the folks at Brand About Town who work with the Gap and asked them if they'd be so kind to loan me some clothes for the shoot, all of which I'd be happy to return.

And they said "Sure, we'd be happy to, and you can keep them!"

Whoa.

And that is how I met the new Long & Lean jeans.

Now, I'm a long time fan of Long & Lean jeans (I seriously own like 4 pairs in various sizes) because usually, or at least every two years or so, I'm long and lean. They fit me well, although I have always wished that they would make them with a bit more stretch and a better rise.

So as I was trying on all the clothes without a bra, I might add because I always wear nursing tanks and forgot that I might need to wear a bra, I picked up the jeans, slid them on, and zipped them up right over my pooch and muffin top quite comfortably and said "WHOA WHAT ARE THESE?"

And she said "These are the new Long & Lean jeans" followed by "Those 10s look too big you should try an 8" and then I squealed.

I know it's vanity sizing. WHATEVER.

The point is that they have changed the design and the fabric. They're thicker, with more stretch, and the rise goes right under the belly button to cover the muffin top. And the back is higher so you're not showing your crack every single time you bend down to pick up your kid.

Seriously, they are genius.

Now I get that you don't want to spend super duper money on jeans that you will *hopefully* not be wearing for too much longer, but I am in the camp that says sometimes if you can, you need to do that for your own emotional well being. For those three weeks, three months, or hell, three years that it takes you to drop that baby weight, a good pair of jeans can really make a huge difference.

(And hi. There are some freaky awesome sales happening which means I might just have to get another pair!).

So thank you to the Gap for making me feel like a million bucks. It's amazing what a good pair of jeans can do.

So Gap outfitted me for my shoot but didn't ask me or require me or bother me to write anything at all. I just did it because I was sooooo ridiculously excited about the jeans that I had to share.

Helllllloooooooooo!

Oh hi! How are you? I'm here. Sort of.

This month has basically chewed me up and spit me out.

While my husband has been slaving away in Vegas. And Milan.

Poor guy.

I've been exercising my Christmas spirit.

By cursing at the damn outdoor lights that I didn't put up.

Forgetting to move that darn Elf on the Shelf.

Putting the 6 boxes full of gifts from the in-laws in the donation box at Goodwill under the tree.

(Ha. Hahaha. C'mon! It's funny! The crossing out thing!)

And making 242 sugar cookies alone with four children.

I have the flour in every crevice of my body to show for it.

Also, I don't remember there being as much yelling when my mom made them. But hey! I have cookies, which I really shouldn't be eating but the last 20lbs of baby weight will just fall off, right?

I am breastfeeding!

I've also been working hard on a few things - like some fun stuff with Cool Mom Tech and Best Buy that has included some pretty awesome giveaways ($500 gcs anyone?). Seriously, go enter. I command you.

Oh, and I shot this Holiday Gift Guide video last week with the help of two babysitters  and a lot of coffee.

I am happy to say that I memorized all of my lines. Just don't ask me the names of my children.

I was feeling pretty hot until I saw the next video where I'm wearing a sleeveless dress. Oy.

I also shared a few of the homemade gifts, ornaments, and wrapping paper that I made with the kids over at The Pioneer Woman's place.

And if you're up at o' dark thirty tomorrow and happen to live in Atlanta, I'll be talking about how my iPhone has made my life much more organized on Better Mornings.

Oh who am I kidding. I use it to play Angry Birds and tweet about tub poops. Wheee!!!!!!!!!

At least getting up at 4:45am won't be a problem since I'll already be awake.

Now back to arguing with my daughter that it's 8:00. And not 5:00. But she knows.

She's SIX y'all.