A few weeks ago, Quinlan finally asked how babies were made, at the dinner table, of course, which wouldn't be such a big deal except my 3-year-old son was sitting there.
And my husband.
Not surprisingly, I'm pretty comfortable with the subject matter.
And he is not.
So it basically went a little like this:
Me: "So a woman has a vagina..."
Huz: "Wait, seriously, you've got to say that?" Slaps hand on forehead.
Me: "Well what exactly do you want me to call it?" pause. "Wait. Don't answer that."
Drew: "Vagina! Vagina! Hahahaha!"
Me: "...and then when she finds the right guy..."
Huz: Interjects "... which will be when you're at least 30..." Both hands on head.
Drew: "30 VAGIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINAS. HAHAHAHAHA!"
Me: "...they have something called sex..."
Husband: Interjects again "...which you won't have to worry about at the convent..."Head now on table.
Drew: "Sex? Sex! Vagina! Vagina sex! HAHAHA!"
Given that she's only six with an overly attentive audience of toddlers, I gave her just the basics - nothing more, nothing less - and then asked her for questions, like I always do when we have these types of serious "this is why they pay me the big bucks" conversations.
"So, um, the girl's parts are inside and the boy's parts are outside, like, those things hanging down?"
"Testicles?!" I exclaimed, somewhat excitedly.
My husband nearly jumped out of his seat.
I gave him the "What? You want me to call them 'hairy balls'" look.
"Oh. Yes. Them," she replied.
She sat quietly for a moment, shoved a bite of food in her mouth, and then moved onto "like, um, the Tinkerbell and the Great Fairy Rescue is like sooo awesome!"
And that was that.
Then just a few days ago, she made some reference to us having more kids, to which I responded that we wouldn't be having any more kids.
"Why?!" she gasped.
See, apparently when you have a kid every two years, it was like someone just told her Christmas was canceled.
"Because we're very [completely fucking overwhelmed] happy with four!" I replied.
"Well, you still have THE SEX!" she said.
As if we were trying to get away with something.
Then I remembered that we completely forgot to discuss something.
That the mommy will only have the sex with the daddy again after he has THE VASECTOMY.