The sex.

A few weeks ago, Quinlan finally asked how babies were made, at the dinner table, of course, which wouldn't be such a big deal except my 3-year-old son was sitting there.

And my husband.

Not surprisingly, I'm pretty comfortable with the subject matter.

And he is not.

So it basically went a little like this:

Me: "So a woman has a vagina..."

Huz: "Wait, seriously, you've got to say that?" Slaps hand on forehead.

Me: "Well what exactly do you want me to call it?" pause. "Wait.  Don't answer that."

Drew: "Vagina! Vagina! Hahahaha!"

Me: "...and then when she finds the right guy..."

Huz: Interjects "... which will be when you're at least 30..." Both hands on head.

Drew: "30 VAGIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINAS. HAHAHAHAHA!"

Me: "...they have something called sex..."

Husband: Interjects again "...which you won't have to worry about at the convent..."Head now on table.

Drew: "Sex? Sex! Vagina! Vagina sex! HAHAHA!"

Given that she's only six with an overly attentive audience of toddlers, I gave her just the basics - nothing more, nothing less - and then asked her for questions, like I always do when we have these types of serious "this is why they pay me the big bucks" conversations.

"So, um, the girl's parts are inside and the boy's parts are outside, like, those things hanging down?"

"Testicles?!" I exclaimed, somewhat excitedly.

My husband nearly jumped out of his seat.

I gave him the "What? You want me to call them 'hairy balls'" look.

"Oh. Yes. Them," she replied.

She sat quietly for a moment, shoved a bite of food in her mouth, and then moved onto "like, um, the Tinkerbell and the Great Fairy Rescue is like sooo awesome!"

Phew.

And that was that.

Then just a few days ago, she made some reference to us having more kids, to which I responded that we wouldn't be having any more kids.

"Why?!" she gasped.

See, apparently when you have a kid every two years, it was like someone just told her Christmas was canceled.

"Because we're very [completely fucking overwhelmed] happy with four!" I replied.

She paused.

"Well, you still have THE SEX!" she said.

As if we were trying to get away with something.

I laughed.

Then I remembered that we completely forgot to discuss something. 

That the mommy will only have the sex with the daddy again after he has THE VASECTOMY.

Comments

[cynth]

LOL

[Rita Arens]

I know someone who has never regretted his. Nor have I. :)

[julie @ Mommy Said What?]

""Because we're very [completely fucking overwhelmed] happy with four!" I replied."

Did a spit take on that one.

[the weirdgirl]

My son is getting closer and closer to this conversation. So far he's asked a few questions and then gotten distracted. Whew! Because I freeze or say stupid things. I need a field guide or some crib notes or preferably a book that gives step by step questions and answers. Who knew that I could have conversations about vibrators with near strangers but I can't tell my son that penises go into vaginas.

[Bill]

I couldn't disagree with Jack more...I can't WAIT to get a vasectomy. Of course, that might be because I stay home with the kids. Diapers again? Forget it! LOL (my wife isn't quite convinced we're done, though, so until then...)

[Michele]

Watch out for the egg description. My son asked if we had beaks that broke off when we come out of the egg. It took all my will power not to laugh.

[Redneck Mommy]

I just called my husband and yelled 30 VAGIIIIIIIINAS in his ear.

He put me on speaker phone. Which I did not know.

Which means I just traumatized half a dozen very official and important oil field executives along side my husband.

It was totally worth it.

[Jess]

My husband was scheduled for the snip in October. On a Friday. On Wednesday, two days before, I got a double pink line. Mothereffinghell. Hello, baby 4! Only 9 months after giving birth to baby 3!

Yeah. I'm gonna snip him myself if he doesn't get his ass into the doctor.

[Amanda]

We have been doing a dramatic tango around this subject (sex, not vasectomies.) Vagina is a word they use a lot. I may just teach them testicles tonight though, too rich!

[Her Bad Mother]

My husband RAN for a vasectomy after Jasper was born and we'd both recovered from PTSD. RAN. Did not look back, did not flinch, did not bat a single masculine eyelash. RAN FOR THE SNIP.

[Mom again]

My technique was to discuss what they knew so far and correct and clarify. Plus we'd used the actual names as well as some polite euphimisms because some relatives/kids at school needed to hear polite euphemisms.

My girls always asked these questions in the car, partly for the lack of eye contact and probably also because their step dadprobably wasn't with us.

[Ines]

Oh my god, this is hilarious!! Thanks for the laugh! I so needed it!

[jen]

awesome. love it like it's a noun :)

[suzie]

I remember being nervous because my older daughter was asking for more info while my younger daughter was plugging her ears "I don't want to hear it! I don't want to hear it!" But she did.

No such thing as too much info, in my opinion! Not enough info is a scary place to be.

[Motherhood Uncensored]

Jack - Apparently my husband feels the same way.

[Jack]

I can answer any of these questions and have done so- but I cannot and will not get clipped. I came into the world working and dammit, I'll leave it the same way.

[Issa]

I can't stop laughing. This is just awesome.

I hated this talk. I've now had versions of it about four times. It never comes up at the right moment.

Shit...now I'm cracking myself up too.

Leaving.

[Mama]

My friend -- a child therapist, mind you -- answered the same question by telling her daughter she had a "magical hole" that "stretched like a rubber band" when she was old enough. She found her 5 year old son on her bad later, peering into her seven-year-old daughter's splayed crotch with a magnifying glass. "Mom, we need help! We can't find her magical hole!" he yelled.

Boy, was she sorry about that conversation. And you can imagine her husband' face (also a pilot).

[Julie]

The Menopause has proven to be a much cheaper alternative to The Vasectomy at the Violin Ranch. However, Hubs is the one who is matter o'fact. I am the snickerer/giggler. That's what happens when you are the only girl in the house, I guess.

[Karen (SubMommy)]

"THE" sex. Ha ha.

Tell your Huz that using the proper anatomical terms for their parts is actually a very good way to make certain that if they are ever abused and need to testify, there is absolutely no confusion as to what they are referring to.

And Girl Child is EIGHT and we haven't told her to specifics yet. She's caught us in the act, but she doesn't know what exactly *that* was.

Boy Child likes to say penis. Anywhere and everywhere.

[Amy]

When I was prego with my 3rd, my 5 year old boy asked me how he got in my belly. While I was thinking of a response, he then said, "You ate me in"? I thought for a second and then replied, "Yep, yes I did". It has been 2+ years from that conversation and I am not looking forward to the day when he realizes that I lied. That I did not actually "Eat him in".

http://talesofamarriedsinglemom.blogspot.com/

[Whipping Boy]

"Will spend the rest of my day randomly thinking '30 VAGINAS'"

Me, too! But probably not in the same way.

[red pen mama]

Although my older daughter seems well-informed about where the baby comes out, she has yet to actually ask how the baby got up in there in the first place. She just turned 6, so I suppose we'll be having the sex talk pretty soon. My husband is gonna be psyched!

[Jodi]

Great post. I would give that information too. I remember having to look up the word virgin in the dictionary (madonna's song was popular) because I was too embarassed to ask my mom. My friend had a book about how babies are made and we would hide in her room and look at it when we were little. You are doing something right.

[Leanne]

Waaaaaay too much info!

How about: an egg gets fertilised. It`s the same way chicken eggs turn into chickens!

Of course, she may never eat an egg again. It was years before I stopped complusively looking for fertilized eggs when I was cooking as a small kid!

[Karen Chatters]

Drew's in school right? I can just hear the "30 VAGIIIINAS" at snack time now. Hysterical.

And I hear ya on "the vasectomy." I'm not sure I'm trusting anything until "the vasectomy" is completed and even then, use a condom or something.

[Wendy]

Made my morning!! Love it!

[Rocat]

HAHAHA! It's always nice to start the day with a good laugh. Thank you.
30 vaginas! THE SEX!

[Diane]

Awesome!! My hubs has same issues with any of that, and curse words. I've been talking since DD was 3. If her little bro wad around, I still did not have issues. They can ask anything and I'll answer. It' sometimes fun to freak out the hubs so we plan things!!! DD will be 13 in just over a week.

[Melissa]

AWESOME!!!

[Angela]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Will spend the rest of my day randomly thinking "30 VAGINAS".