Congrats on Your 3-Year-Old!

You must have been a cannibal in another life or have some pretty shitty karma!

Included:

3-year-old child

Not included but strongly recommended:

Tequila IV

Ear plugs

Punching bag

Here are some things moms have said after receiving this product:

I'd rather have electro-shock therapy!

Since receiving my 3-year-old, I chose to run with the bulls just to get a little rest and relaxation!

Having a 3-year-old is less fulfilling than cleaning out a day's worth of runny shit diapers!

It gave me PTSD!

I've never felt so stupid in my life!

Here are 10 handy tips to get you started on parenting your 3-year-old:

1. They like nothing.

1a. Well, sometimes they like stuff, but it's only on every 4th Thursday that falls in an odd summer month when the weather is partly cloudly.

1b. Or if it's covered in chocolate.

1c. Maybe.

1d. Depends.

2. If they do happen to like something, they will never like it again.

2a. Maybe.

2b. Depends.

3. Everything can be argued.

3a. Especially when you're in public, with your hands full of groceries and other children, and tons of other people around. (Reference #4)

3b. Or when you've just gotten all the other children to sleep.

3c. But never with your spouse or babysitter.

4. They have impeccable timing.

4a. Like when you're a good 10 minutes away from a potty and they decide that they must poop.

4b. NOW.

5. They have no filter

5a. Like when you're in a dressing room trying on bras.

5b. Or when you're in a public restroom with your pants around your ankles.

6. Everything is negotiable.

6a. On their terms.

6b. Even bodily functions.

7. Hearing may be selective.

7a. Repeating yourself will only cause them to hear less.

7b. Speaking loudly at them will only make you look more crazy.

7c. Yelling at them will make them cower like a wounded animal thus sending you into a guilt-stricken state in which you will give them exactly what they wanted in the first place and then some how apologize.

7d. See #8.

8. They always win.

9. If someone else has it, they will want it.

9a. But only at their house, not at your own.

9b. But only at the store, not when you buy it.

9c. But if you don't get it, then they will throw a tantrum the size of Mount Vesuvius. (See #4)

10. They will respond to everything with "No!"

10a. Even if it's not a question.

10b. Even if they actually do want it.

10c. You're supposed to know the difference.

10d. Idiot.

Comments

[Edie Mindell]

I totally agree.:-) When my children turned 2-3 years old, I thought I would die of exhaustion and stress. Luckily I survived.:-)

[The Muskrat]

Our 4yo was an angel at 2 but turned into a pain in the ass at 3. She's only been 4 a couple months, so I'm reserving judgment, but so far, it's looking like a crap age, too.

[ninjette]

Terrible TWOs, Trying THREEs, and f***ing FOURs.
Which doesn't mean that tantrums are all but forgotten when they turn 5 or 6. I love my kids, but does this go on straight into puberty?

[Issa]

I once laughed at someone who told me that two was bad. I am quite happy with two actually.

Three is a nightmare. Four is all attitude, but at least they learn to follow some rules.

Sigh. I wish you tons of luck.

[Melissa]

omg right? Everyone talks about the terrible twos but three was insanity

[Barefoot Liz]

I must share this with others. It's so funny! My son is almost 8 but all that still sounds so much like him.

[Amanda]

So good,I posted it to Facebook.

[Jodi]

I agree teenagers are mean! I am not even going to smile they would find a way to make fun of that too. The problem is I was that snotty little person once.

[Forgotten]

My twin boys are 3.5 and I swear to you it was like somebody flipped a switch on their 3rd birthday. I had the only 3 kids that you could take out to a restaurant before that. Now...I wouldn't take them in the store without duct tape and a tornado siren to warn everyone.

My angels, where did they go? Someone snuck these little devils in on me when I wasn't looking. And my 19 month old girl, she's acting JUST LIKE THEM. Someone save me...

[Jessica@Team Rasler]

My son is 2.5 and doing this crap. I've heard they do it at either age 2 or 3...dear lord, I hope it's not both or I'm going to go insane...

[Karen (SubMommy)]

Ear plugs, yes, and in my house - body armor. No body told me that I would get beat up for saying no to the 50th piece of chocolate of the day. Why is this?

[heather v]

All that is YES! Good Times, good times... And yes the teenage years adds cursing at you while wearing less clothing than a stripper on laundry day. I teach high school kids and weep for my future in a few short years.

[Kim W.]

A wise woman once told me that with 3, it's best to let others take him as much as possible. She said, don't worry -- he'll be an angel for anybody else, and they'll love him to pieces, and you can have him back when he's 4. I don't ever ever ever want to experience grocery shopping with my first son when he was 3 and I was pregnant. Never ever ever. Oh my god.

She also recommended the book "Your Three Year Old." I do too.

[Josefina]

Ha! You make me feel better. I wish I had known at the time that this behavior was normal.

[Rebecca]

It's funny because it's true!

[Rebecca]

I would add # 11. Everything you say will be answered by them with "Why?"--even if it was a question and particularly if it was a yes or no question. The conversation will always end with them explaining why your answer to the (10,000) whys were wrong. Refer back to # 10d.

[Sarah]

My 3 year old turned 4 early September, it was like a light switch turned off and he became manageable again. The next day his brother, who turns 3 at the end of this month threw his first on the floor tantrum ever. I had a 12 hour break and slept through it! Damn!

[Kelsee]

Ok, I am not quite sure how I found your blog, but I've been stocking it for about a month now. I laugh so hard on each post! This one is priceless as this is exactly how my life is right now with my 3 year old. You are freakin' hilarious and say what all of us are thinking. I love it! Cracks me up!

[Gen]

I like 10 the best. Even when they don't want it. Words of ding dang wisdom, right there

[The New Girl]

Oh, for fucking REAL.

7c made me LOL. That manual should come with a little hook & eye lock for the bedroom door, though.

[Lora]

I remember 3 very well...it was like the wheels fell of the bus. At 3 he was obsessed with where pee comes from. He knew how he peed, now he needed to know how I did it. I had to take him with me to a public restroom and I was doing my best not to let him see anything as I tried to use the toilet but apparently he saw enough to yell out "Mom, you have a furry butt!". You could hear the crickets in the restroom and I wanted to die. Three is loads of fun!

[Kayt]

You know, my mother always said the odd years were the hardest. "Forget the 'terrible twos', you girls were fine at two," she'd say; "people forget to tell you about the f*#k you threes!" My guy is 22 months, and one's been hard. I can already see a bit of a reprieve coming at almost two, I'm dreading three.

[Alicia]

You know... a lot of those seem resemble my husband's bahaviors, too. Hmph. Interesting.

[Ade]

LOL...OMG! That is so absolutely true!

[Ashley @ About One]

My son is now 4 (almost 5) and I thought the 3rd year would drive me to lose my mind. It was far worse than 2 (though it does get a bit easier- for the most part- at 4). EVERYTHING was a battle. My daughter is 21 months and just approaching 2; with every no and tantrum we have, I'm reminded we still have to get through 3 even when this stage ends.

Pass the tequila.

[Candace]

This is exactly how my 2 year old acts. I thought it was supposed to get better at 3, WTF!

[Ry]

rofl...that is EXACTLY it. Mine's four, none of these things has changed, but add to the list that she likes to "help" with any number of household chores- but only the ones where her help will completely defeat the purpose of whatever I am trying to do. You so nailed 3.

[Rocat]

You have obviously met my 3 year old daughter.

[MarcomMom]

I hate to bring up how many of these apply to my tween... with, perhaps, the exception of the bathroom issues... Thank heaven.

[Julie @ The Mom Slant]

Ollie is three months away from three, and more than half of these already apply. My third round of three is going to suck.

[Caroline]

My kid's not even 2 and I'm beginning to see symptoms of 3. This is not good.

[red pen mama]

That sounds about right. When are we going to retire the concept of "terrible 2s"? So misleading.

[Redneck Mommy]

Three. Oh how I miss it.

Damn. I must be losing my mind.

[Jennifer]

OMG!!! I have 3 yr old twins, and I tell you, you are like.. in my living room!!!!!! They are freaking KILLING me... LOL, thanks for the laugh

[Stefanie]

Um, so, my twins are going to turn 3 in 25 days but believe me when I tell you that they have a running head start on these behaviors. Did I say they're going to turn 3 in 25 days? They're PROBABLY going to turn 3. Assholes.

[Mom101]

Possibly the best post ever written about three.

Although I wouldn't really know. I'm too busy having fights with my 3yo about whether or not she likes chocolate to have a lot of time to read blogs these days.

[ClumberKim]

I have one of those, but the girl version. I am certain the tween/teen years are going to kill me.

[Julie]

That was the story of not only 3, but 4 AND part of 5 at my house. LOL.

[Amy]

Holy sh*t on a shingle. Have you set up a video camera in my house?

[Jessie]

This was awesome. Thank you. Also, I think my 2 1/2 year old is an overachiever, because you just described my life right now. My favorite was a public restroom experience too, when she clapped and shouted, "Yay! Mommy peed!"

I'm just afraid of what it will be like when she's actually three.

[Stephanie]

This is great! My little boy just turned 3 and you made me realize we are all in the same boat with kids this age and how they behave.

[marty]

Well crap. Why do they call them the terrible two's then? I thought it was supposed to get better at three?????

[Goddess in Progress]

Amen, glad it's not only me. Holy crap, 3 is kicking my ass. Or, at least with my son. My daughter is a piece of cake... for the moment.

Thank you especially for #7 and #8. OMG.

[Christine]

HA Ha Ha Ha. Thanks for my morning laugh. Anyone who has been through the 3s will appreciate your post!

[Kathy Mayer]

Oh Sugar...this is the easy shit. The teenager will eat you alive. Learn to smile, nod, and walk away. Don't engage with this beast, or the monster that emerges with puberty will have you running for the hills. I am you: only 10 years down the road.