You must have been a cannibal in another life or have some pretty shitty karma!
Not included but strongly recommended:
Here are some things moms have said after receiving this product:
I'd rather have electro-shock therapy!
Since receiving my 3-year-old, I chose to run with the bulls just to get a little rest and relaxation!
Having a 3-year-old is less fulfilling than cleaning out a day's worth of runny shit diapers!
It gave me PTSD!
I've never felt so stupid in my life!
Here are 10 handy tips to get you started on parenting your 3-year-old:
1. They like nothing.
1a. Well, sometimes they like stuff, but it's only on every 4th Thursday that falls in an odd summer month when the weather is partly cloudly.
1b. Or if it's covered in chocolate.
2. If they do happen to like something, they will never like it again.
3. Everything can be argued.
3a. Especially when you're in public, with your hands full of groceries and other children, and tons of other people around. (Reference #4)
3b. Or when you've just gotten all the other children to sleep.
3c. But never with your spouse or babysitter.
4. They have impeccable timing.
4a. Like when you're a good 10 minutes away from a potty and they decide that they must poop.
5. They have no filter
5a. Like when you're in a dressing room trying on bras.
5b. Or when you're in a public restroom with your pants around your ankles.
6. Everything is negotiable.
6a. On their terms.
6b. Even bodily functions.
7. Hearing may be selective.
7a. Repeating yourself will only cause them to hear less.
7b. Speaking loudly at them will only make you look more crazy.
7c. Yelling at them will make them cower like a wounded animal thus sending you into a guilt-stricken state in which you will give them exactly what they wanted in the first place and then some how apologize.
7d. See #8.
8. They always win.
9. If someone else has it, they will want it.
9a. But only at their house, not at your own.
9b. But only at the store, not when you buy it.
9c. But if you don't get it, then they will throw a tantrum the size of Mount Vesuvius. (See #4)
10. They will respond to everything with "No!"
10a. Even if it's not a question.
10b. Even if they actually do want it.
10c. You're supposed to know the difference.