Boob man

I finally pulled out the breast pump after a little under a month of breastfeeding, and it instantly reminded me how much I hate pumping.

My kids, however, thought it was the best toy ever. A bunch of empty bottles with weird two-part caps! and tubes! and horns!, oh my!

I know what I'm doing with that thing when I'm done with it.

I realize that some women are expert pumpers (I bow to you, mamas), but I personally have the hardest time letting down with the breast pump no matter how much "it stimulates the sucking of a small newborn baby."

Sorry. That big plastic cone shaped thing does not a baby mouth make.

But I have something to attend this weekend that sort of requires that I leave the baby home for a couple of hours, so I figured I should probably pump some milk and let my husband try to give her a bottle.

That in itself is anxiety provoking enough since none of my kids have been the best bottle takers, or as I learned,  just never good nervous daddy holding the bottle like someone just handed them a gigantic vibrating dildo takers.

Yes, it's as awkward as it sounds.

And worse, he can do absolutely NOTHING else but feed the baby. Or hold the baby. Or hold and feed the baby. Maybe.

Meanwhile, I think I may have just talked myself out of leaving the baby on Saturday.

And so, I dug open my new pump, the kids using the horns like kazoos all around me, and started pumping. Or really, what should be called "boob torture device that simulates squeezing water from a rock except not as pleasant." 

I even tried nursing Bridget on one side so I could let down on the other.

No such luck. Though I did, for a moment, feel like I was nursing twins.

Five second solidarity, nursing twin mamas.

So as the milk dripped ever so slowly into the bottle, I noticed my son staring at it. And rightfully so - you don't actually see the milk when you're breastfeeding the baby and I imagine if you're used to milk coming out of a cardboard container in the fridge, well, it's pretty weird.

He looked at me. Then my boob. Then at me again,

and exclaimed:

"I can't believe boobs can do that!!!"

If only to be a fly on the wall at my son's school tomorrow.

Comments

[cynth]

I hated pumping too but then a hippie friend taught me to express by hand - basically you put a large yogurt container between your legs, lean over, and squeeze your areola (sp?) with your hand. I got a lot more milk and felt a lot less like a cow that way...plus, it works best if you take a hot shower beforehand, so it's a great justification for FIVE WHOLE MINUTES ALONE...

[Andrea]

At least he didnt ask to try your boob as is regular in our house, if I take off my shirt in front of him he says try it and sticks out his tounge little 2 year old wierdo back up.

[Kim]

I'm actually pumping while I read this. Good times!

[EazilyAmuzed~Kelley]

I'm surprised thats all your boy said! haha. Yeah pumping..what a nightmare. When your feeling bad about it just think of me. I was working at Bebe at the time my son was born (I'm a designer) and of course this 99% single woman company had nowhere for a new mom to pump. Well they had a splendid idea! She can use the fabric closet. So I'm pumping 3 times a day in this closet while people are constantly knocking on the door cuz they need to get some friggin' fabric. A-holes.
Plus my measley boobs only produced just enough for Jax's next day of milk if I was lucky. Anyhoo...yeah pumping sucks. Thanks for reminding me. :)

[Karen (SubMommy)]

When SubHub saw me - no, stared, jaw dropped - pump for the first time, I asked, "Does this change the way you feel about them?" And he said, "Temporarily."

I hated pumping too.

It just occurred to me, though, that the horns are kinda like mini-vuvuzelas.

[crystal]

My daughter pretends to pump, which means she steals the parts and runs around screaming "pumpa nipple! pumps nipples". Then she steals my pumped bottle while I'm getting the boobs put back away. Pumping sucks.

[Amy]

When I was nursing my twins, my older two kids (4yo & 5yo) were fascinated by it. Then, when I brought out the breast pump, they were even MORE fascinated with it. I was "making milk for the babies." My son would hear the machine turn on and he'd sit with me until I was done, just watching the milk accumulate. My oldest daughter would invent her own breast pump with various materials lying around and she'd nurse her babies, too.

And when I tandem nursed, all hell broke loose in the house because the older two knew I couldn't do anything but nurse at that moment.

Yeah, lots of fires were started in the house then. And they figured out what a cheese grater could do to one's face. JK

Good luck to you.

[Amanda]

My daughters watched me pump and tried feeding their babies from their belly buttons saying alternately, "I'm feeding it" and "I'm pumping it." Thanks be to the universe that they never raved about "pumping it" themselves at school.

Off topic (sort of) when I change Fin's diaper she likes me to bite her belly. When I don't bite her immediately she screeches, "Eat me, mama! Eat me!"

DId I mention she is at a preschool that changes diapers? So far, so good...

[Lisa B]

I'd like to be a fly on the wall too. ;-)

I never got the hang of breastfeeding my my son, so never tried my daughter. They're now 18 and 17 and both taller than me - and I'm no shorty at 5' 8".

Lisa B
Hampshire, UK

[julie @ Mommy Said What?]

You better hope he never catches on to the fact that he can cause you to lactate by fake-crying.

[scattermom]

My flanges were a regular hat for my then two year old. Then he figured out how to connect them and tried to pump his own boobies. If only!

[Goddess in Progress]

Too funny, I would love to hear the stories your son will now tell to random passers-by. :-)

The pump is the devil. I came home from the hospital on an exclusive pumping regimen (damn late-preemies and the NICU), and it was nothing short of a disaster. Like I was being tested every three hours, measured in milliliters, and ALWAYS failing. Ugh. Hoping to avoid the pump this time around as much as possible.

[T]

Haha ha ha! That's awesome. And so true!

[Bill]

I'm with your son. Even after seeing my wife nurse (and pump) for 2 kids, I STILL can't believe boobs can do that. Pretty cool, those boobs are.

[Angel]

My son recently saw me in a dress for the first time and asked if he could have one too, LOL I was unsuccessful at breastfeeding and only did it for a short period of time. When I did he asked if could do that too and I said no. So when the dress thing came up, he said "boy there is a lot that you women can do, that us men can't!" LOL He's 5!

[Alison]

My 3 year old son informed his classmates in preschool that "babies don't drink from bottles - they drink special milk from mom's boobs." That ended the bottle portion of pretend play. All of the kids accepted it and moved on - if only all adults could do that!

[Amelia Sprout]

Pretty sure there is a good portion of the public that would be shocked to know that boobs do that. It always amazed me, even though I grew up around moms who breastfed and I successfully breastfed, pumped and worked FT for 18 months.

[MommyNamedApril]

my kids loved to watch me pump. they thought it was SOOOOO cool that their milk comes from the fridge and the baby's milk came from my boobs.

[KMayer]

I'm your Part II. My kids recently asked why my boobs were so janglely. How come they're like that? To my husb says, "cuz they fed all 4 of you and you sucked the life out of 'em!" They think he's lying. So I broke out the photos to prove it. Ha. That's some serious couch time for later.