It's amazing what a little rabble-rousing at the midwife's office will get you - a vaginal AND anal swab!!!!!!
I've had that damn Group Strep B test four times now and I do not remember that extra bonus part.
Maybe I blocked it out.
Or maybe I'm just very confused.
Everything seems to sort of run together down there these days.
But just as I was about to pop my feet out of the stirrups, my midwife mentioned something about a skin tag.
On my vagina.
Now I've heard of skin tags, which are quite common on pregnant women, and maybe I've just been so smug about not really getting them because apparently I just made up for all the ones I've been missing out on.
Then she tried to pull it off. And I squawked. So she told me she'd "fix me up later."
And then I started to wonder - "fix me up?" I mean what the hell is going on down there? It's a skin tag - not an extra limb hanging off my vulva.
Then later on I decided to look.
Then thanked the high heavens I didn't show my husband.
Then ripped it off.
I screamed nasty words.
Then nearly died in a pool of my own blood.
Why in the hell didn't I wait and just let her rip it off and bill me some ridiculous amount later on, you might ask.
Well, after three seconds of intense deliberation before I rolled it up and put it back into my underpants, I realized that I wouldn't want the baby to get tangled in anything on her way out.
Although based on the size of that thing, she could have used it as a rope to pull herself out on her very own.