Tag! You're it!

It's amazing what a little rabble-rousing at the midwife's office will get you - a vaginal AND anal swab!!!!!!

I've had that damn Group Strep B test four times now and I do not remember that extra bonus part.

Maybe I blocked it out.

Or maybe I'm just very confused.

Everything seems to sort of run together down there these days.

But just as I was about to pop my feet out of the stirrups, my midwife mentioned something about a skin tag.

On my vagina.

Now I've heard of skin tags, which are quite common on pregnant women, and maybe I've just been so smug about not really getting them because apparently I just made up for all the ones I've been missing out on.

Then she tried to pull it off. And I squawked. So she told me she'd "fix me up later."

And then I started to wonder - "fix me up?" I mean what the hell is going on down there? It's a skin tag - not an extra limb hanging off my vulva.

Then later on I decided to look.

I gasped.

Then thanked the high heavens I didn't show my husband.

I tugged.

Then ripped it off.

I screamed nasty words.

Then nearly died in a pool of my own blood.

Why in the hell didn't I wait and just let her rip it off and bill me some ridiculous amount later on, you might ask.

Well, after three seconds of intense deliberation before I rolled it up and put it back into my underpants, I realized that I wouldn't want the baby to get tangled in anything on her way out.

Although based on the size of that thing, she could have used it as a rope to pull herself out on her very own.

Comments

[Tanya Coates]

Holy Hell....I've looked at my snatch after having 3 children and it looks like hamburger. I don't think I would know if I had a skin tag. And my darling husband would never tells me anything looks less than perfect down there for fear he'd never see it again.
Maybe Dr Scholl's should come up with a Skin Tag Remover product for vaginas.
I can see the commercial now....

[julie @ Mommy Said What?]

2 pregnancies, 2 bum swirls. I mentioned it last time you wrote about the midwife. Fun, fun, fun. Must be a memory thing on your part, because I cannot imagine we'd have a standard of care up here that exceeds yours.

Skin tags. Got 'em under my boobs, thanks to my son. Never went away, never had the cuts to have them taken off. Luckily, the larger (saggier) boobs cover the tags.

Ahh. The joys of womanhood.

[Julie @ The Mom Slant]

OMG.

omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg.

My newest diet aid - picturing you (omg I can't even type it) doing that. I don't think I'll be able to eat for the rest of the day.

[Jennifer Kelley]

You're hilarious, Momma! Sorry about your vagina. :)

Miss you.

[Jess]

No! You're totally not remembering it wrong. I just had my third baby, and I almost died when he did the butt poke. Because with my first two? That TOTALLY didn't happen. I'm rather touchy about my ass. As in, don't touch it. So I'd remember something like that.

[CB]

I just wet my pants and I still can't stop laughing. As always thanks for sharing your pain with us. Actually my youngest daughter got one "down there" when she was teeny tiny. It fell off on its own. Thank goodness.

[Lidia-Anain]

Oh, the things we women do to our lady parts in the name of beauty. I would have pulled the lil f'er off myself too then told myself I deserve a cupcake after.

I will admit I truly laughed out loud when I read the part about the baby pulling herself out using the skin tag...what a visual!

I hope your kitten has recovered. =)

[Amira]

A) This is incredibly funny.
B) I just can't believe that you RIPPED. IT. OFF. I tried pulling one off I had (in a similar region) and my eyes watered and I felt the stinging tingle right under my eyes before they watered uncontrollably. So I can't fathom how and why and zomg just what the hell were you thinking to have ripped it off.

You're brave.

[tara]

i don't have enough fingers to count the many ways in which you are braver than i.

[MU]

I think you win, Rosie. Not sure what it is that you win, but you win.

[thais]

LMFAO!! I got one with my 4th to but thankfully it was in my armpit.

[Meghan]

I shuddered when i read this! Ouchies!!!!

[Rosie]

Ah the pregnant lady parts. I have a varicose vein on my labia. If I could claw it off I certainly would. :) I'm feelin' ya sister.

[Lora]

This is funny since just yesterday I discovered I have a skin tag (otherwise called a polyp) in.my.vagina. How did I discover this you ask? Well, the damn thing started bleeding and since I've had a hysterectomy, blood coming from that area was a little shocking. So now I have to have it removed - joy, joy!

[Nicole M.]

Ye-Ouch! *shudders* gained a few extra limbs myself down there with each pregnancy. Never was I offered to have it taken care of :/ I'm feeling rather bitter now.

[Bill]

Wait a minute, I don't know why I'm freaking out so much. I'm actually only reading about a skin tag on your vulva, not vagina. WHEW!

[BriBedell]

I have "accidentaly" ripped off one of my skintag/mole. Holy sunofabiotch...it hurt. I feel your pain. Mine was on my neck though :)

[Bill]

ZOMG you ripped it off? ZOMG SHE was going to rip it off? ZOMG I'm reading about skin tags on the vagina of a woman I've met who's not my wife?

[Redneck Mommy]

I shouldn't have snorted as loudly as I did or snickered in a smug fashion.

Yet I still did.

But if it makes you feel any better, the thought of pulling off a skintag on my cooter makes my beaver want to climb up and hide in my uterus. Ouch.

[MU]

That's like threading for skin tags, right Shelley? Also, isn't that like an "underground" vasectomy. A little floss, a little tight knotting..

[Shelley]

I've heard you can take dental floss and tie it/cut it off. I always ask Hubby if I can try it on him, but he won't let me. I'm 15 weeks pregnant. Maybe I should be using a mirror for the under carriage just in case. I'll keep it in mind.

[Julie S.]

oh right... a mirror. right? don't mind me.

[Julie S.]

Yeah, how in the world did you see that? Was it THAT large? I'm 31 weeks, and I can barely shave. Anywho, this made me cringe and laugh so hard at the same time. I truly appreciate your candor.

[Melinda]

Ouch! When I hit puberty I had dozens of skin tags grow under my arms. The dermatologist snipped each one off with a tiny pair of surgical scissors. That hurt enough. I can't even imaging pulling one off. Oh my!

[Karen Chatters]

Oh. Emmm. GEEEE!! What WERE you thinking? I guess if you've never had one before, you didn't know about the pain and bloodshed. I would have waited for the epidural and let her do it when I was appropriately medicated. I am impressed that you could see down there - I tried to see something in between my legs the other day and it practically required me to stand on my head.