Mommy's Little Cliche'

If you've ever been secretly smug (me!) or breathed a sigh of relief (so me!) when you've seen a toddler throw a demonically possessed tantrum in the middle of the grocery store aisle then I'm going to wager a guess that you've only got a couple of kids. Not that my first two were angels recently graduated from Emily Post's school for Well Behaved Toddlers or anything but along came my third child, or as I'm lovingly calling her - the little cliche' that has bitten me square on the ass cheeks.

I can remember only one time in the history of parenting my older two kids that one of them sprawled themselves on the ground screaming. Mind you, it was a doozy at around 5am at the Philadelphia International Airport, but I think we can all say that sometimes having to deal with TSA can make a grown adult do such things.

But Margot has absolutely perfected the stopping, dropping, and rolling, kicking and screaming on the dirty ass floor which is pretty advanced when it comes to fire prevention but not so great when you're just trying to find a bra with two different sized cups at Victoria's Secret. I can't even figure out exactly what sets her off - days that start with "T" or "S"? The zit on my chin that I can't stop picking? BP?

But something will set her off and she'll go from insanely sweet and adorable to "I'm going to cut you with my handmade toothbrush shank" in three seconds flat, and there is no consoling or bartering or even completely paying her off with sugary substances.

It's Three Mile Island - and I'm cleaning that shit up with a Swiffer.

And now she's decided she hates pants. Or shorts. Or bloomers. Or now even dresses.

Sometimes. I think. Maybe.

Which, if you're following all this, is basically all clothing except shirts, which she will happily wear and does so in our house but alas does not look that great in public places, except while playing in a yard with wheel-less cars up on bricks and washers and dryers on the porch.

No offense to those of you with washers and dryers on your porch. Well, working ones anyway.

We figured out that she kept waking up at night because her legs were getting cold, so now we have to sneak them on her in the middle of the night.

They're pajama pants. Last time I checked, they never hurt anyone. In fact, they're actually kind of cool in that THEY KEEP YOUR LEGS WARM AT NIGHT LITTLE GIRL.

Yesterday afternoon she picked a onesie out to wear to dinner, but then fought us while we tried to put that on her. You'd think that we were chasing her through the house with a gigantic cleaver in our hands and yet it's a dress she just happily wore the day before.

And all those times I remember hearing these "urban myths" of toddlers who don't like to wear clothes and would sooner spend the day completely naked.

Little did I know that they were all third children. Cute and charming as hell, and apparently sent to us to ensure that we get the full parenting experience we so willingly signed up for.

Comments

[Scattermom]

I was SO smug with my first, which was a big motivation in why we got pregnant with the second so quickly.

I should have known--the wee one got my personality. Mores the pity.

Me: "What, do you think I'm stupid".
Him: (pause) "Yes"

Okay, I admit it was a dumb question, but it's been a long day and, quite frankly, he's driving me a little nuts.

Oh, and he's only 21 months old. Dammit.

[@sweetbabboo]

So you're saying that this isn't supposed to happen until the third kid?!? I currently have a door kicking, top-of-lungs screaming, can't wear that shirt b/c it's striped, not striped, green, red, orange 3 year old first-born out to defy the cliche'.

Not sure we'll ever make it to kid #3 or even #2 for that matter. And to think, I always thought I wanted 4 or 5.

-Abby

[Beth from South Jersey]

The cliche is so true. When old friend or random people would ask about my kids and their personalities I could quickly explain my 1st two to a tee and when I would get to my 3rd I'd always say, "It depends on the day because everyday is different when it comes to Jenna." The battles/struggles I had/have with her I never had with my boys!

[Teresa]

I can't say I've had to deal with the hating of clothing. Our daughter LOVES dresses and therefore it is very easy to get her dressed.

However, a word of comfort on the tantrum note. Our FIRST and only (so far) had moments (moments? Felt like YEARS) around 1 year old when she would literally throw herself face first (it looked so painful!) onto the floor. We eventually figured out it was that she was having trouble communicating. She wouldn't even TRY to say a word. It was like she thought about it, realized she didn't know the word, and down on the floor she went. It was infuriating. It felt like ages at the time, but she is now completing sentences and its awesome. We did perfect the "show me" and the subsequent "that one" after a while though.

Good luck!!

[Suzanne]

My kid hates shirts. He'll tolerate me long enough to yank some pants on over his diaper but then runs away screaming when I try to pull anything over his head.

If we could somehow combine them at least we could each have a fully dressed kid 3 days a week.

[SoMo]

Sounds like my second. I swear to you his mission since his birth was to make me look crazy. As a baby, I would push him in his stroller while he screamed his head off. People judging me all through Target. I assured them that I fed him, cleaned him, rocked him and no there was nothing sticking him. However, anyone else took him out he would be a lovely little baby. My husband still thinks I am crazy. And his aversion to clothes is the season changing. How dare I ask him to wear long pants even though it is 30 degrees outside. If you would really like to torture him take him shopping for new shoes when his toes are poking through the old ones.

[Connie]

LOL...snort...snort...(wiping soda off the computer screen)

As the mother of 4 girls; yes, I said 4, I can honestly say I never had to deal with the whole tantrum in the store, or wherever (my girls say I had the whole don't make me take you outside face down pat and they weren't risking that!) and not wanting to wear clothes thing. My darlings all went through 5-6 outfits per day before finally dropping off to sleep in their oh so cute nighties...come to think of it my third child still goes through 3 outfits per day before bed!

[Kelly]

Well its means the hand me downs for the 4th aren't getting much wear.... :)

[Lisa]

My third child (3yo at the time) once threw himself down in the grocery store (after I told him "no" for something) and then screamed "Why'd you push me?". Lucky for me the employees know me and saw the whole thing or we could have had DFS in there pretty quickly. (for the record, I did NOT push him!)

[Becky]

Maybe it's a third child/clothing kind of thing. My youngest strips down to a tee shirt and her undies the second she walks in the door after school. She has always hated clothes, and blankets, or coats, and forget about hats and gloves. Shoes? Only is she absolutely has to.

Did I mention she's 11 now?

[EmJay]

My second child fits this model (she has red hair, so there is a whole new level of intense)...god help me I'm due with my third in 4 weeks!!!

[Issa]

DUDE! Your third kid and my third kid would so be bff's.

Sheesh. My boy? He has perfected the tantrum. To be fair, my oldest still wins the tantrum awards. But she's ADHD, so yeah. Anyway...Harrison won't wear shirts. You want to know why? So he can show you is Cuss-culs. Yeah.

Which okay fine at home. But there are no shirt sign's everywhere for a reason.

[Kelly @ Student of the Year]

Hmmm...so what you're telling me is that if the trojan breaks, we're in for a doozy?

I figure if I survived The Lillian, I'd have to endure Linda Blair and split-pea soup for it to be more difficult.

I love your onesie anecdote. It's like they cannot handle their own decision-making powers. Seriously. Yes I want it, no I don't!