Be a Better Parent Challenge - Day 3 - No more "Good Job!"

Back in my days as a college professor, I once counted the number of times a student therapist said "good job" to her client in a 30-minute session.

53. Or something ridiculous like that.

I'm not going to quote any number of studies that talk about how we're over praising our kids. I've got mixed emotions about that stuff anyway, especially considering I never got any praise whatsoever, but I do agree that when we compliment our kids, it should be specific and creative. Because after awhile it just doesn't mean anything anymore.

So, Challenge #3: No more "Good Job!"

For my student, I printed out a sheet that had 100 other words and phrases to use instead. I'm sure you can all figure out a few.

Great observation. I like how you think. I really appreciate that you said "thank you." Awesome work. Good choice. You did it!

And be specific - why are you praising your kid? Make sure they know.

So, how did Challenge #2 go for you, by the way? My son only ended up in the corner once today, which was a minor miracle, but had to do with the fact that I had my sitter and my husband home. But since it was on my mind, I was much more aware of it when I was counting and reminding him of consequences if I got to #3. Now I just have to keep it up every day, right?

Just joining? I'm doing a Be a Better Parent Challenge all month. Here's Challenge #1 and Challenge #2. And later, my first WAHM interview.

Comments

[Kate]

can you email me that list? ;-)

[Jane]

Lol! I am guilty saying of the same old thing, a couple of times a day, each and every day! Sometimes when I say it, I think that it's so habitual and it's as if I'm telling my dog the same thing. lol!

[Marina]

I totally agree with being more specific, but do they need praise at all? Read this great (short) article. Five Reasons to Stop Saying "Good Job!" by Alfie Kohn http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/gj.htm

[Karen (SubMommy)]

It's such a habit to say "good job." Reflexive, almost, huh?

I try to point out what they're doing. "Push the 3 on the elevator button please." And when he pushes the 3, I say, "Hey! You know your numbers!"

No more. I try to notice what they do. Am I good at it? Not always. It's kind of a lot easier to say "good job." Especially when you're distracted. It's one I fall back on occasionally when I don't have my real parenting game face on.

[Melanie]

Loving this - if I didn't have a week's worth of camping-with-kids posts to catch up on I'd be posting right along with you. Hmm. We'll see how much time I have tonight, maybe a double-post, because all hell broke loose with me and my 4yo son on the trip. We're back to full-on 123.

On the 'good job' idea, my stepdad commented on this to me ages ago. I still toss out 'good job' frequently, but make a point of crouching down to Cameron's level, making eye contact, and telling him exactly what he did *right*. "I really liked how you asked me to help you, then waited patiently while I finished what I was doing, Cameron." Or, "You were great at karate tonight, I could see that you were really working on paying attention, and I know it was hard for you with the grown-up class right there." I really find that these eye-to-eye moments of praise mean far more to him than a hundred tossed-out-by-habit good jobs. Good job just washes over his head unrecognized, but meaningful praise makes him glow and try even harder.

[mayberry]

My son busted me on this recently. He very sweetly and politely said, "When you call me "good boy" it makes me sound like a dog." OMG! I was chastened.

[fibithinks]

I am still with you. Yesterday was tough, my usually happy well behaved child was a monster. I did my best not to yell but did have to use time out a few times and send her to her room until she calmed down once. Working with special needs children for years, today's challenge should be a lot easier than yesterdays. I am trained to point out specific positive things and not use a blanket "good job."

[Nicole M.]

You have been nominated for a blog award! :D Go here to see:
http://littleduckie6.blogspot.com/2010/08/blog-award-for-me.html

[Lou]

I am also potty training and the "good jobs" are sort of automatic. I did notice that one of my son's daycare teachers uses "Good choice" more often.

My husband had to work late last night and I did the whole dinner/bedtime routine on my own. I did try to stay more present and I got him giggling so hard! Thanks for the inspiration!

I have yet to really get Magic 1, 2, 3 to work. 1 and 2 never stop him and we always get to 3. I'm trying to be more particular about when I count and ignore more minor stuff.

[Amanda]

We were doing this. We need to get back to it. Thanks for the reminder.

[Beth from South Jersey]

Started out good - but when @ 11 pm all 3 kids were STILL awake and disruptive I um lost it. Husband works nights in the summer so I'm flying solo from the time I walk in the door @ 5:30. However, today is a new day and I'm continue this challenge. On a positive note, I was definitely more present when my kids asked me something or shared a story and you know what? It felt GREAT.

[Rocat]

This challenge will be a bit more of, er, um, a challenge for me. I have such a habit of saying "good job"- epecially since we are in the midst of potty training. The last two challenges have gone well and we've had much less stressful days. Today I will pull out my love of Scrabble/crosswords/vocabulary and get creative with my praise!