I know who you are

If I could condense how I'll measure my success as a parent down to a simple phrase it would be this:

I know who you are.

Well, that and "You may think you know, but you have no idea." But I refuse to have an MTV show tagline as my parenting mantra.

This whole cliche' business about raising them right or wanting them to be successful and happy -- well that's all amorphous.

Heck if I know how she'll define "right" or "successful" or "happy."

Heck if I know how I even define those things.

But what I can give her, what I can most definitely promise to her, is that I will know her well.

I will watch and listen. I'll observe and hear.

I will know her like the back of my own hand. 

I will advocate and fight and stand up for her.

We spend so much time trying to figure out who are kids are like and how they're like whom and we sometimes forget that they're completely and utterly their own person.

Maybe she's cautious, or afraid of failure, or a people pleaser - like me. But those qualities don't have to manifest and stifle her life experiences or her relationships.

Because she's not me.

And I'm not my own mother. 

I firmly believe that if we take the time to know our kids then everything will fall into place.

Don't get me wrong. It's not an easy mathematical problem. We're complex humans after all - and we're more than the sum of a bunch of actions and reactions, causes and effects, feelings and emotions.

But everything she does tells her story. 

I'm not so much her guide or her mentor. I don't yet know enough about her to be that for her.

Rather, I'm a student - a researcher placed here to observe, document, and learn so that I can become her guide and mentor.

So when we take the time to put all those pieces together, those cryptic notes in our minds that contain all the seemingly insignificant but yet incredibly revealing information about our children, then the paths we should choose for them, the road to which we should guide them - well, it should be clear.

Parenting is not knowing who you think they should be.

It's intimately and sometimes uncomfortably knowing who they really are.

Happy 6th Birthday, Quinlan.

Comments

[Jordan shoes]

Much better you grab, the more you appreciate, Superior you presently know, higher you forget. Considerably extra you ignore, the considerably less you presently know. So why make an do the job to understand.

[The Editor]

"Well-said" is an understatement.

[Asha Dornfest]

Beautiful! I have found exactly the same thing...that parenting is about quieting my own voice, putting aside my own preconceptions, and SEEING (and nurturing) the kids in front of me. The analogy that comes to mind is that learning to draw is actually the process of learning to see.

[Rusti]

she's gorgeous, happy 6th birthday to her!! great post, I'll be printing this out so I can remind myself throughout the years the wisdom that you've written... thanks!!

[Nadia]

Happy birthday to your little girl! This post was beautiful and honest. Brought tears to my eyes!

[Kami]

Yes. To all of it. Sometimes I look at my kids and think, "you are an extension of me. You came out of me." But it's such bullshit. I mean, they did come out of me, but they are so their own people. I know them. Inside out and backwards. Still, they surprise me. And will continue to. Isn't parenting an adventure?

[elz]

Your birthday posts to your children are always so touching. Amazing writing and an amazing mommy.

[Luann]

Happy Birthday Quinlan! Enjoy your Baby Alive!

This title reminds me of 2 things.

1. Save your love by Great White and
2. I see you (just finished watching Avatar)

Maybe it's because my kids are adopted, but I've never felt ownership of them, or wondered where they get this or that from. I've always seen them as little people and they just are who they are. My only job is to help them become who they are meant to be. And it's the best job I've ever had.

Your kids are so lucky to have you as their mom.

[caramama]

Happy Birthday, Quinlan! She is such a beautiful girl!

"Rather, I'm a student - a researcher placed here to observe, document, and learn so that I can become her guide and mentor."

LOVE that!

[Vicky]

What a beauty she is! Great post!

[Laura in IA]

Just don't forget they are little sponges and observe and take in everything, even as you observe them. So you are already her guide and mentor as she watches you every waking moment. Then add all her other experiences to that. Awesome responsibility

[Debi (Truthful Mommy)]

This post is so spot on. At least I know it is for me, especially as a mother to two little girls.Knowing our daughters inside and out,studying them,loving them unconditionally, accepting and nurturing them is what helps us to help them become who they are.Sometimes it is hard when we get all caught up in the little things. But as long as we keep in perspective that they are their very own person and we let them be whom they are; through that, we can can give them the support and security to flounder and find themselves. We can help them navigate but we can not take the journey for them. Happy Mothering!
http://motherhoodthetruth.blogspot.com/

[The New Girl]

It is seriously awesome, this post.

I so feel like I'm just getting to know my girl and as they grow and change, it's like you have to get to know more and more.

Really beautiful. Like you. And her.

Happy, happy. Can't wait to give you all a squeeeeze.
xo

[Teresa]

"Heck if I know how she'll define "right" or "successful" or "happy.""

This, I love. It made me cry. Thank you so much.

[Suzie]

This is beautiful.

Reading it as the mother to 14 and 12 year olds, I realize how important that observation of their younger-years was to having an understanding of who they are and how they think and operate today, when they are starting to try and keep some of their essence and thoughts and selves to themselves. Still possible to have that knowledge, but definitely trickier.

Happy birthday to your beautiful daughter!

[Jerseygirl89]

I am hanging this post on my wall. Amazing advice. And happy birthday to a beautiful girl.

[Issa]

Aw, this was beautiful. Happy 6th birthday Q.

[mythoughtsonthat]

"Sometimes uncomfortably"- Yes.

[Asianmommy]

Happy Birthday to Quinlan!

[Jenny]

Beautiful Post! Beautiful Girl. Happy Anniversary of being a mom! Sending love!

[Amber McN]

She is a beauty. Enjoy your journey with her.
Happy Birthday Quinlan.
Happy Mommy Anniversary to you.

[Sara]

How do you do it? So incredibly wise...again and again your words are inspiring and thought-provoking...so true.

Quinlan is gorgeous, just like her mama. Hope you all have a wonderful birthday celebration!

[JCF]

I just have to comment that Quinlan is turning into such a beautiful young lady! She looks so grown up and lovely in that picture!

[Amberly]

I have been reading your blog for some time now and I have to say I really love your take on things. I have two boys (a 3 1/2 year old and a 1 year old) and can relate to your stories. Keep up the good work.

[Lindsay Lebresco]

So well said, as always. Words to live by.

[Lady M]

Happy Birthday, Quinlan!

Hope baby 4 is being kind to you these days.

[julie @ Mommy Said What?]

"Everything she does tells her story."

So true.

I had a similar yet different a ha! moment when I realized the difference between me trying to capture memories and my children actually making memories. Sometimes, we just need to remove ourselves from the equation and let them be.

[muskrat]

Is she wearing a jacket in July? I want to live in a house that's so cool I need a jacket in July. Some cheap bastard keeps moving the thermostat in my house to 78 or so. I think it's because he wants everyone to eschew pants.

[LindsayDianne]

"Knowing", or spending the time getting to know our children also directly translates into time spent on and with. Time spent on and with your child is the recipe. You're right.

[Maria]

She is breathtakingly beautiful. I love this post.

I get so achy when I consider not having a daughter. I can only imagine the amazing bond you guys will share.

I love her name, too!

[bessie.viola]

Wow. This gave me chills. So well put.

Happy birthday, Quinlan!

[Deb]

Our oldest child's teacher used to have a quote on the wall: Children are not clay to be molded, but people to be unfolded. I didn't realize at the time how unusual that worldview is. I get frustrated when my MIL insists on stating over and over (and over and over) how one of our children is "just like" so-and-so--I want to scream that each of them is A PERSON, and that I'm grateful for the chance to meet them and the privilege of knowing them.

Knowing who they are and what they dream and where they want to go--and being there for each of them as they inevitably make mistakes and choose new paths--is SO MUCH BIGGER than orchestrating their everyday lives to ensure they turn out the way I envision. I hope and pray that my children have their own vision, and that it is far larger than mine. The strength to pursue it is our job to bestow, and I agree with you so deeply: that comes through really seeing them, and hearing them, and connecting with them.

What a great birthday gift to offer your daughter.

[Loukia]

Happy Birthday to your daughter. Beautiful post.

[Boston Mamas]

Happy birthday to Quinlan and congrats to you K. xoxo

[mom101]

I think I would tattoo this on my arm except it wouldn't fit.

One of the most beautiful posts ever. You're lucky to have each other.

Happy birthday sweet Quinlan.