On dreaming and dying.

Every few weeks, my near 6-year-old pops into our room a few minutes after we turn off her lights bed complaining about a bad dream. And trying to be sympathetic without being too drawn into the intelligent anti-bedtime antics, we remind her that she's safe in her room with her brother and 400 lights on, and more importantly, that she can't really have dreams when she hasn't fallen asleep yet.

Now this is hardly as bad as my son's repeat offenses that have been almost completely squelched by the cruel but effective blanket threats combined with a later bedtime and swimming laps in the neighborhood pool.

Of course, we're dealing with the middle of the night visits which I think might actually be worse, because even though he goes right back to his room when we gently usher him with a very sleepy pointy finger back to his bed, he still happens to show up right when some sort of hot naked movie star is licking Doritos crumbs off my lips. 

I'm pregnant. What's a hot dream without 6000 calorie chips?

But this time, Quinlan frantically called me back into her room even before I had turned the corner in the hall.

"I'm having bad dreams, mom," she squeaked from under her covers.

I have her my spiel, trying not to make it sound canned or like I've rattled it off 20 some odd times.

"But I can dream with my eyes open. And it's about dying."

Of course, this might be the most brilliant attempt ever delivered by a child to get out of bedtime because knowing me (and knowing that she knows me), that would automatically get her my complete attention for a very extended period of time.

But her brilliance aside, I finally understood why she had been complaining of those bad dreams - a wandering, analytical and quite fantastical mind that I know all too well.

My ability to create fantasies and escape my reality had been my solace and my protection for years in an abusive household. I dreamed about leaving. I dreamed about seeking out my revenge. I dreamed about every single thing in my life, so much so that for awhile, I was living my life in my head.

It was safe. I was happy. And protected.

But my mind, especially after having children, was and often is my worst enemy. After a few years of what I now know to be plain old anxiety, I've learned to keep it mostly under control, for the most part, with positive self talk and reminding myself that I'm in control of my mind and not the other way around.

Restating the facts and keeping myself grounded. Closing Google. Turning off the news. Talking to my husband. Eating a bag of Oreos.

And even then, particularly when I'm pregnant and breastfeeding (which has been for the last six years straight) and my husband is away and my kids are sick, my mind could eat me from the inside out.

I'm fortunate that it's never gone past the point where I couldn't talk myself down.

But it's come very close.

So when my daughter told me about her thoughts about dying, I (along with my 723 death scenarios that I've already played out) could comisserate.

And I did.

There's not much I can say about the fear of dying to a 6-year-old, other than that death happens, it's scary, and she's perfectly right to feel that way - no extra details. No "but you'll be very old so you don't have to worry about all that." Just the facts.

But what I can also say to her is that she is in control of her mind. And when she starts to think about the scary part of life, that she can be the one to change that around, and replace her thoughts with good ones - an upcoming birthday trip I'm taking her on this week. The fantastic girl's day we had with a drop-in art class, lunch, and a hair appointment.

And better, all the wonderful positive dreams and wishes she has about her life. 

Because for all the pain that a creative, imaginative mind can cause, there is much beauty in being able to envision all the goodness you will for you life even before it happens.

Comments

[Julie @ The Mom Slant]

I love this post. I can identify closely, both as kid and mom, and you are one heck of an awesome mom.

[Issa]

I always think a huge imagination is a blessing and a curse. It's hard to not let it turn into anxiety. I always remind my girls, nothing can happen to you in bed and you can pick good dreams too. Doesn't always work, but it's what I tell them.

[Karen (SubMommy)]

I fear that I've passed on my "Thinking Pit" to my Girl Child. I've done the same thing - without nearly the legit reasons as you - fantasized to escape the things I thought I needed to escape.

And, Girl would come to me regularly - "Mommy, I had a bad dream" without having been asleep - when she was 5 & 6 regularly.

I would lay down with her, stroke her hair, her back, and say, "think of all the things that make you feel happy. Hold onto them. Push the scary stuff away."

The most imaginative among us, often have the ability to see/think of the most amazing things - unfortunately that also means that we have the ability to see the scariest of things.

She's more alive than most of us.

[Heather]

I hesitate to post this, because I know it is going to sound like I am simpleton.

Whenever my thoughts get the best of me, those terrifying thoughts of death, I envision that thought being enclosed in a balloon. And I let it go, and let it float away.

Sometimes I have to work REALLLLY HARD to do this.

But it always works.

[Kate]

Thanks for writing about this - I'm 32 and I still have strong, fearful thoughts about dying and the death of my loved ones. Losing my mom suddenly and without warning a few years ago didn't help. But I think about what I project to my 2 year old and the one on the way and I wonder what I'm going to say to them about it so thanks for the insight and inspiration. Good luck to you!

[Forgotten]

I don't know why but this post made me cry. I hate the thought that my kids will one day be afraid of death. It is a scary thing but damn, so young, ya' know? Breaks my heart.

[My Kids Mom]

Go to a craft store and get a kit to make a dream catcher with her. You can buy them made, but it was helpful for my son to know he'd made it himself. There's a good book, Grandmother's Dreamcatcher, which we got at the same time. I don't lie and say it has magic, but I do give him a "you never know..."

[amanda]

We are big on death here—a mama that has been preoccupied since she was a girl, a nearly six year old that worries like her mama, a four year old that channels our lost ones and says things impossible for her to know and a two year old that parrots her sisters. The lion king helped us. We now talk about "getting dug" and "spirits floating to happy." It may not be perfect, but it gets us through.

[Kayt]

I still have those vivid daydreams about my own death, as well as those of my loved ones. I've had them for as long as I can remember. I so feel for Quinlan on this one.

[Amelia Sprout]

A and I both have wild imaginations, and we've both dealt with them getting away from us. I still have some of the same issues you've written about. Nothing I can't talk myself down from, but still, unnerving at times.

M's taking after us. Her imagination is wild and crazy and fun, and so are her dreams. The older she gets and the better she can explain it, the easier it gets to help her with it. It will never be easy, but I hope she gets to take full advantage of being a creative imaginative thinker.

[Bri]

I do this often. I go to bed and I can't shut off my mind...a few times I have had a panic attack...but most times I can talk myself down or away from the dying subject. It is scary. You literally feel like all control is gone, which for most people is seriously frightening!

[delilah]

Okay, now *I* am having horrible scary waking-dream mortality salience. I demand you take me to a movie and feed me Oreos.

[Michelle]

Don't you hate it when you give the 'rote' answer, and then they finally give you the clue to what's behind the behaviour/questioning/etc. and your mind goes *lightbulb*?! We get that here too, only my culprit is (a young) 15.

"Because for all the pain that a creative, imaginative mind can cause, there is much beauty in being able to envision all the goodness you will for you life even before it happens." .... So true.

I also have an active imagination, and tend to control it by being aware of what I watch and read, especially read as I get caught up in books and 'live' them (except crime/murder fiction *shrug?*. Such wise words to Quinlan,