At the risk of sounding ungrateful, I'm trying to separate the feeling of being pregnant for the 4th time and having a 4th baby, because I know in my head they are totally different things.
But in my heart, the pain and tiredness and raging hormones and discomfort (already, good God) of pregnancy is becoming intermixed with the actual baby part and I don't want to send those kind of messages to my unborn fetus.
When I joked about having another kid way back when I could just joke about it because "ha ha! a 4th kid!," I said I'd happily accept one if he or she (as it stands) was dropped off at my doorstep.
Don't get me wrong. I have easy pregnancies compared to many.
But I'm hardly basking in the glory my gihugo-ness, which lately has been slowing me down and rendering me almost catatonic on the couch by 3pm every day and in bed by 10pm.
This does not bode well when you have three other children and that you use naptimes and evenings to work and that things in the marriage department, particularly when you're pregnant, are challenging.
This also does not bode well when you realize that you will soon have four children, and then if you're me, the self-loathing, self-doubting, all other negative "self" type things start flowing through your mind until you realize that you're an ungrateful bitch, which, surprise!, is not the most productive thing.
So I'm doing my best to myself that it's not the baby part that I dread. For once, anyway.
Scared out of my mind? Yes.
But imagining that the baby will be coming out fully potty trained, equipped with a personal chef, and practically perfect in every way helps.
I'm pregnant with Mary Poppins!
But I admit that it's the next 16 weeks, or at least being upright for most of the next 16 weeks, that I dread.
Well, that and actually having to get this baby out of me. But I'll wait a few more weeks to start dreading that part.
My third pregnancy was the hardest so far, and I worry that a fourth will be even harder. Of course, Brian says I need to find a new husband to give me that fourth, so it may be a moot point.
Posted by: Heather | June 30, 2010 at 12:21 PM
This shit is hard. And I'm not even the one who has to deal with it all day on weekdays. I hope your 4th isn't the lightest sleeper in the storied history of sleeping, as ours appears to be. As soon as she goes to solid food, I'm pour crushed ambien in those jars.
Posted by: muskrat | June 20, 2010 at 10:10 PM
Number 2 threw me for a loop the entire first trimester. I wanted it out and blamed my husband for my situation. However, it got way better in the second trimester when I stopped puking and my back stopped going out and I could actually walk upright but I am a big pregnant lady too. I wear a beach ball pretty much the entire time and beginning around the 5th month people ask me if I'm due soon (freaking hate those motherfu#&*ers)! Now that I'm entering the third trimester I'm starting to freak a little again. My energy when poof, my hormones are stupid, my patience for my 20 month old is completely gone and shit I still have 12 weeks to go.
Anyway, just so you know we are all suffering with you! Here is to hoping for a quick ending!
Posted by: candace | June 20, 2010 at 08:11 PM
I was TERRIFIED when I found out I was pregnant for the 4th time. Things had been great with 2...the 3rd threw me for a loop (born 19 months after the 2nd) and..yeah. I was pissed and angry the entire time I was pregnant. I didn't talk about it, I didn't want the extra attention. I was miserable.
My baby, however, is the happiest child EVER.
Posted by: emily | June 20, 2010 at 12:18 PM
I hear you.... this was me um... a good 25 weeks or so ago. Things got better re my attitude and I stop being scared to death of what the hell we'd done.... but now at 39 weeks and counting I am so tired and depressed and nasty I am right back there.. So I'm talking to the baby like a crazy woman... telling in a nice way how much I want it to come out, how much it's brother and sisters can't wait to meet it, how badly I want to know if it is a boy or a girl...
Sure the other people in line at the supermarket think I'm nuts but hey... I am 30 gazillion weeks pregnant, what do I care?
Posted by: katepickle | June 20, 2010 at 12:48 AM
You've been quoted!
http://qoddessquotesblogs.blogspot.com/2010/06/quotes-june-20-2010.html
Posted by: The Qoddess | June 20, 2010 at 12:27 AM
I'm pregnant with the third (the others will be 2y9mo and 18mo when this one arrives in a couple of weeks), and I had the hardest time being excited about this baby. Once I realized that the part I wasn't thrilled about was being pregnant for the third time in such a short time period, and that I was actually quite thrilled about the actual BABY, things got much better. We do want a fourth, but I don't know how soon I'm going to feel like being pregnant again. If we do have a fourth (that is planned), it might be a few years down the road.
Posted by: JCF | June 19, 2010 at 11:12 PM
Aw, Kristin. It's going to be okay. I have four children, too. They're all under five, including a pair of 8-month-old twins. I work full-time as a teacher and my husband is a stay-at-home Dad; it's better that way because daycare costs are ridiculous!
Try not to think too far ahead; take one day at a time. You will get through this unscathed. I know because I've been there. The fear of having four was overwhelming at times. It's not easy, but it's not impossible.
You're a tough cookie. You're going to be just fine.
Posted by: Amy | June 19, 2010 at 09:38 PM
My mother had 5 children. She told me that #3 was the most challenging, too much to do, too little time. However she said that #4 was easy and so was adding a 5th. With 3 she had to develop routines which served her well with the additional children. That while it doubled the work having 2 and quadrupled the work having 3, there was no more work with 4 and 5. Just hang in there, pregnancy does end. Thinking of you and wishing you the best.
Posted by: carosgram | June 19, 2010 at 07:44 AM
I am wishing for #4...hang in there. You did it three times, you can do it one more!
Posted by: Maria H | June 19, 2010 at 02:37 AM
Oh, I'm dying to comment on this b/c I've all the same neuroses but I don't want to jinx you.
This too will pass...how's that for sounding all wise and smart?
Posted by: Mads Mom | June 18, 2010 at 06:18 PM
Oh I totally agree with Amy, they haven't a clue whats going on in your head and can't understand your words while in the belly.
I have 4 kids and although there is a bit more work jumping from 3 to 4 kids, you have already passed the hardest, jumping from 2 to 3 kids.
I f**king hate being pregnant but love babies.
I bet you will be fine and these feelings are normal.
Posted by: J from Ireland | June 18, 2010 at 03:54 PM
I am right with you sister. 26 weeks with my third. Told hubby last night that I was pretty sure my belly grew 8 inches yesterday alone. I hate being pregnant with everything I have. The baby whole other story. Can't wait to hold her and smell her and love her. Her older brother and sister cannot wait to meet her. Not looking forward to all the pain, fluids, sore nipples, etc that come initially, but this time next year that will all be a memory.
Posted by: EmJay | June 18, 2010 at 12:30 PM
I think I will feel the exact same if I go for a fourth, and I also am the same right now. "Ha, a fourth, yeah right!?" Just get through one day at a time and remember your small victories, and all the other good advice you shell out, read back to take some for yourself. Remember that your aches and pains and tiredness are real and you are not an ungrateful bitch just because someone else may have it harder. You are a pretty grateful bitch as far as I can tell! :) HA!
BTW, I actually LOLed that you have an ad for Crocs in your side bar from Google ads. Double HA!
Posted by: Jenny | June 18, 2010 at 11:49 AM
You have every right to complain - my doctor told me that every subsequent pregnancy is harder on the body. You can do it!
Posted by: Angella | June 18, 2010 at 11:15 AM
No matter if it's your first or 25th kid (I'm convinced that will be the final number the Duggars have), you are allowed to complain about being pregnant. I think it's an unwritten law.
The rest of it? Somehow it works out. I was scared shit less of number 3. Now I'm wishing for a forth. Although I may need a stork to drop one off. I do agree with Amy though. They have no idea what you are thinking. Thank god.
Posted by: Issa | June 18, 2010 at 10:56 AM
"I don't want to send those kind of messages to my unborn fetus."
Remember, always, that the baby can't read your mind. And if you happen to think, in a hormonal, uncomfortable moment, "Stupid bad baby giving me heartburn!" or something, the baby doesn't know what you've thought. The baby only knows floaty, warm, watery comfort and the "whoosh whoosh" of your heart (and occasionally your digestive system).
Also, I think having four will be fine. You've already learned to juggle - what's one more ball?
Hang in there!
Posted by: Amy | June 18, 2010 at 10:08 AM