Have you hugged a Half Asian today?

A few days ago, my friend Julie offered me a hug if I signed up for some Facebook event which just so happened to be "Hug a Half Asian" day.

Now I have to say that hugging a HAPA (which is the "correct" term, by the way, and stands for Holy Affordable Awesome Piece of Ass) happens a lot around my house.

Or as the Mominatrix would say - "hugging."

Ahem.

Cough. Cough.

Being the daughter of a full Chinese woman and a European mixed man was never a big deal until I got into my teen years and it became the world's worst pick-up line ever.

"What are you?"

Your worst fucking nightmare, asshole.

And dear God if someone compares me to the Tilly sisters again.

Um, am I the one that starred as a distraught nun or the one with the really big boobs and annoying high pitched voice?

Oddly enough, I've found over the years that my Asian-ness is made more or less obvious by my hairstyle. And my amazing talent with chopsticks.

Ahem.

Cough. Cough.

It's usually a toss up as to whether people can pick out me out, though interestingly enough is never the case for young children or psychiatric patients (seriously), who figure it out right away and then obsess about it.

But even I have trouble sometimes, particularly on the internet, where there happen to be a zillion Half Asians (like City Mama and Glennia from MOMocrats - two name two lovely ones), who you wouldn't necessarily know were HAPA until you saw them or stared at their picture for awhile. 

So in case you're in the mood to give out some serious hugs today, or just want to stop using the "What are you" pick up line, here are my 10 easy, and completely stereootypical identifiers of HAPAs.

Simply look for these characteristics in white-ish looking people and you've probably got a HAPA on your hands:

1. Played a stringed instrument at some point in their lives.

2. Is particularly good at math - typically the very useless kind.

3. Has wicked knife skills but never went to chef school.

4. Cooks rice perfectly every time. In a pot.

5. Owns a rice cooker.

6. Uses chopsticks to do any of the following: eat rice with, cook with, stir powdered or mixed drinks with.

7. Gets the "you're one of us" eye, nod, and/or smile at any Asian eating establishment.

8. Can do a mean Asian American accent without using the words "Ching or Chong" and looking like a complete racist asshole.

9. Takes offense to the word "Oriental" unless it's being used to describe floor coverings or food.

10. Is fucking hot.

So, friends, go forth and find yourself a HAPA to hug today. That is after you've given me my love.

Ahem.

Cough. Cough.

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So much coolness people - my Mominatrix-inspired Father's Day Gift Guide should not be missed (or shared with all 300 of your closest friends. And my column The Sometimes Single Mom - are you one? I'd love to meet you - and head over to meet moms just like you.

Comments

[authentic air jordan shoes]

Hm...I can say yes to 6 of these, does that make me HAPA by proxy? Or something.

[Herve leger]

That was nice. Want to hug again?.......

[fake christian louboutin]

*Learn to live, and live to learn.

[Angela at mommy bytes]

Believe it or not, this full Chinese cannot do the #8 accent for the life of her. My white husband does it better than me! Maybe it was all that time I spent losing my accent (which I never had ;)).

{{Hugs}} for you HAPA girl!

[Motherhood Uncensored]

Haha Naomi!

[Naomi]

I never realized it was a "thing" until I left Hawaii and suddenly became exotic. Or Mexican, if I happened to be in Texas. Ha.

[schmutzie]

This weblog is being featured on Five Star Friday!
http://www.schmutzie.com/fivestarfriday/2010/6/4/five-star-fridays-106th-edition-is-brought-to-you-by-joan-di.html

[Lady M]

(Hugs!)

And I gave my boys extra hugs today too.

[Gunfighter]

Does the Hapa designation only apply to those who are half white and half asian?

[Kirsty]

Wow, this post had me really confused - but only because my multi-tasking, never-doing-anything-quite-properly brain read it as "hug half an Asian", and all I could think of was "which half? and why?"...
Oh, and by the way, I'm not even remotely Asian (Scottish mother, English father, me, pure Brit - white skin, red hair, freckles, blue eyes) but I sure could do with a hug today...
Hugs all round, I say!

[MonkeeMamaNaomi]

Yes, half-Japanese. Hence, my maiden name is Tanaka. I love how my Mom was constantly questioned about her last name being Japanese but then she is not. Marriage people, by marriage! GAH! I get Hawaiian, Polynesian, Italian, Greek, First Nations, but never half or full Japanese. I don't mind being called Oriental as I think the distinction is better than being called something that I am not. That's my opinion. I can spot a halfer a mile away. Takes one to know one! Heh. Oh yes, my children have almond eyes but they are blond haired and blue-eyed. Everyone thinks I am the Nanny!

[Formerly Gracie]

When we lived in Texas my son was a minority for being half Filipino. Since moving the Northern Cal, he's a minority for being half white. We just can't win! In any case, I'll give BOTH of my half-Asian kiddos a squeeze today. Or at least not look so put out when they scream for no apparent reason.

Yeah, I'll go with the first one.

[agirlandaboy]

Every kid at my son's daycare (except him!) is at least half-Asian, so I'll give them all an extra squeeze today.

(As I understand it, Oriental is bad because it means "Eastern," which means we're defining the world as if the "white countries" were at the center of it. Is that right?)

[Tony]

I realize that Kristen has nothing to do with this, but the references to Asian, Oriental, etc are causing the Google ads to show an ad for a website where you can "Find Pretty Thai Women". YIKES!

[Rachel]

Great list! No one realizes my daughter is half-Korean unless she's with her dad. I hug her every day, but she got an extra one today.

[Boston Mamas]

@Tony -- I was going to go into a long winded comment about this, but just go see http://www.thefreedictionary.com/oriental -- scroll down to the usage note. That basically captures it.

Also, whenever I meet a dude with an Asian fetish (it becomes apparent quickly...) I venture a guess that he's looking at me and thinking the word Oriental. {shudder}

[Lesa]

HOLY CRAP 'what are you?' is a pick up line? This whole time I thought people were just being dumb @ss WASPs...
(I only wish I had your response 15 years ago)

[andifoo]

My husband is half Thai, half caucasian and is a police officer in our very small redneck (read: racist) town. He gets recognized as 'that "Mexican" cop' a lot. Like, a LOT. With our daughter, I hear "Wow, she looks Asian, but WHITE!" quite a bit. I've even had someone tell me our daughter speaks with an Asian accent - um, she's 2 1/2 years old. Her dad has lived here since he was 5 years old. She's not even in contact with any Asian relatives. Do they think she was born with 1/4 an Asian accent?

What the hell is wrong with people?

And let me just say, our daughter has her daddy's eyes, the rest are my features (including, as the hubs says, my 'crappy white person hair') and she is BEAUTIFUL. She would totally give you the best hug, from one Asian Sista to another.

[Karen (SubMommy)]

My childhood best friend is half-Chinese, half-mixed European. She looks Chinese.

She has a blue-eyed blonde daughter (aren't genes just somethin') and people ask her ALL THE TIME if her daughter is adopted.

She went to visit her extended in-laws and they said, "Well, honey, your English is great. No accent at all!"

And number 7 - they actually speak to her IN Chinese. She doesn't speak Chinese.

We have a long way to go. I think you need a (((HUG)))

[Glennia]

Aw, thanks, for the shout-out and the hugs. Totally with you on your list, although I was a dismal failure in the stringed instrument category. You forgot "give most awesome, scary, bone-chilling stink-eye/death stare when crossed."

xoxo

[Tony]

Out of curiosity, what is the reason that the word Oriental is so bad? I don't mean to offend. I realize it's offensive to most. I just don't know the history behind WHY it is considered so offensive.

[DaNanner]

I just let my son do 4. I've owned a rice cooker for years since he eats so much of it. He even has a "proper ratio" as too how much rice goes with the entrée when I cook at home. Loves pho (can that be #12?). And of course is number 10 because mixed babies are the hottest around HAPA or not.

[Bailey]

Rock on. My father was Chinese-Hawaiian and my mother was mixed European, so I came out with shark-bait white skin, black hair and Asian eyes. I've been a cheerful member of the Haole Hubby Club for a few years now. HAPA marriages make the cutest babies, don't you think? (http://haolehubbyclub.com/blog/)

#8 is my favorite, though I once got typecast as an old asian MAN in a school play because I could "talk like them so well." Harrumph.

[Amy]

My best friend in high school was Chinese/Italian/Greek. There weren't many restaurants we went to that we didn't get the #7 treatment.
BTW, (((((HUGS!)))))
Wow, that was pretty rad. ;)

[Forgotten]

(((((((YOU)))))))

That was nice. Want to hug again?

[Faith]

This cracked me up. I'm half Korean but look more white (or at least have been told that many, many times) so here in Utah people often let down their guard and say stupid racist things in front of me to which I more often than not gleefully call them on.

[Julie @ The Mom Slant]

Yo, I'll hug you any day of the year.

BTW, this post generated a Google Ad for "pretty Thai women" in your right sidebar.

[A Twitter User]

OK, #7 made me laugh because I get the "you're one of us" nod at pretty much every single eating establishment.One of the many awesome things about being Hispanic.

Also, #4 and #10 apply to us too.

Can I get a hug as well?

:)

[emily]

Hm...I can say yes to 6 of these, does that make me HAPA by proxy? Or something.

C'mere. Sounds like you need a hug. ;)

[Boston Mamas]

Well, maybe because I'm full not half I still can't stand the word Oriental. You will never catch me ordering the Oriental chicken salad at a restaurant.

Also, I might venture to add #11: uses rice as paste when tape or regular glue cannot be found (I learned this from my mom -- works in a pinch when you're wrapping presents...). You know, because you may not always have tape on hand, but there's always a pot of rice on.