Mom it's my birthday

I hate birthday parties. Kids birthday parties, to be exact. There's not much to love about 30 kids traipsing through germ-infested jumpy castles followed by cheap pizza, cake, and an over indulgent present opening session where the birthday child tosses masses of toys and wrapping paper to her left and right after looking at them for all of three seconds regardless of how many beers you can ingest during that two-hour period.

Unless you're the birthday child or the child with a 6th birthday in a few weeks, I'm pretty sure I just described hell.

On a cold day. 

I thank my lucky stars that I've got at least one kid born in the summer, which I have decided somehow relinquishes my obligation to throw such parties.

Instead, she picks a friend to take to a special afternoon out - like last year's kid-adapted High Tea at the Four Seasons or this year's mini-pedi at the local nail joint.

And then, we celebrate during our annual family vacation at the Jersey shore, with a few family members and friends, a gigantic supermarket bought cake, and a couple of presents.

Up until this year, it's been the highlight of each year - the ring of the Boardwalk games and rides, the bustle of the sweaty underdressed beach crowds, the discomfort of sand in every single body crevace.

While it has become increasingly expensive for us to make the haul, given that we must now rent a car and a condo (since we can barely squeeze ourselves in the in-laws' teeny place), it's a tradition that I'm happy to keep up - if only so my kids can experience real pizza, frozen custard dipped in Jimmies (not sprinkles thank you very much), and the accents.

Yes, it's wooter ice, not wah-ter ice.

Unfortunately, it's become harder to distract her from the extravagant party - not because she wants to run laps around an inflatable castle kingdom, but because she wants the presents. And it's hard to explain the value of a family trip to the glorious Jersey shore to a near 6-year-old, crammed into a bathroom sized condo with her entire family after inhaling hair spray fumes from too many girls wearing shorts with "Property of Vinnie" airbrushed on their asses.

How can you put a price on that?

But then I remembered that I turned six once.

So I told her it costs around ten American Girl dolls for her yearly family birthday vacation extravaganza. And that instead of getting presents, she should just ask her grandparents for money so she can buy whatever she wants.

And that just about did it.

Score one for mom and birthday party hating parents everywhere.

Comments

[jordan 4]

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[mom, again]

One year, when she was in second grade or so, we had a half birthday party for my summer girl.

It had a book theme: Spring Green, by someone or another, the plot of which everyone brings green gifts to a spring celebration party. Early March was just about warm enough to meet at the park down the street after school. Bless the SAHM & D's who helped me meet all the little girls at the school, and walk them down the block and across the streets. Especially bless the family near enough to allow for bathroom breaks.

The girls played in the sunshine, had cake and ice cream and my girl got presents of flowers, green pencils, green pears, green hair doo-dads. I don't remember what else.

A few years later, we attempted an actual party near enough her birthday, but with so many kids on vacation, at camp, or away at their other parents' house for the day/week/month/period proscribed by the divorce decree, we had quite a time coming up with the number required to reserve the party room at the ice skating rink.

My other kid's birthday is at the end of November, she had no better luck with parties, plus, relatives who sent one gift as birthday and Christmas gift. Which is just terrible.

[caramama]

I must be a serious oddball, because I love going to kids parties! Of course, we've just started going, and I haven't yet had to throw a real big one. I think this was my last year with the just-family party, and when my daughter turns 4 next year, we are going to have to start inviting actual friends, not just cousins.

I also loved the American Girl Doll currency! You got to explain things in age-appropriate ways, you know!

[Issa]

I get this so much. I've managed to avoid it with my about to turn six year old as well. Which is funny, seeing how her older sister gets the HUGE party every year. First kid, I had no idea what I was starting.

I don't know. A mid-July party is hard though. So many kids aren't home.

[mom101]

I'm excited for the annual Jersey shore birthday trip, for one. But I also see the shape of things to come - this was the first year Thalia seemed nervous that she wouldn't be celebrating her birthday "in Brooklyn with friends."

Of course the thought of Q cheered her right up.

So don't bail.

Wooter ices are on me.

[M&Co.]

A custom that got started in my son's set that I really like is, everyone brings a gender neutral gift. When it comes time to open gifts the birthday boy or girl gets to pick the first gift and everyone else draws numbers for the order they will pick and then draws a gift. The kids tend to trade gifts around with one another and everyone ends up with with they want. My son really likes it and actually suggested it for is last birthday party.

[Motherhood Uncensored]

@themuskrat - My husband doesn't work for the airlines for nothing.

And we'll be renting a car up there. An SUV car.

[Ang]

Jimmies are male blue crabs. Always have been, always will be! ;)

[Rusti]

E's only had one birthday - which was a small get together at my parents' house with hubs & I's parents, siblings, grandparents and a two couple-friends of ours... pretty low-key, did cupcakes & jello - my parents provided sloppy joes & our sisters brought dishes to pass... asked for clothes instead of toys...

I'm wondering how future parties will go though once she's old enough for "friend" parties, and cursing our timing - E's a January baby, no summer cook-out pool parties for us - darnitall.

[muskrat]

you know what would make trips to the shore better? a minivan. your SUV isn't going to fit 4 carseats very well.

[Julie {Angry Julie Monday}]

I'm kinda jealous and envious....my son's is May 19th, right before the end of the school year. Seriously, his party was about seven American Girl dolls this year. I wish I could get off that easy. Plus we live in damn Orange County, where it is so competitive.

[egplnt21]

is it chocolate or rainbow jimmies though? My seven year old has decided it's both, mixed, but not on top of each other....Good thing the folks at the ice cream place love her.

[Karen Chatters]

A birthday at the Jersey sho-ore sounds ideal to me. And yes, load up those Jimmies. Lawts of them.

Birthday parties can be over the top stressful and ridiculous and in the end, after all the sweat and tears, they aren't really that much different than anyone else's. I'd like to say I'll never do that but I'm sure one day I'll get caught up in that mayhem.

Enjoy the beach!

[Sue Rodman]

I love the American Girl currency. We tell time by shows. As in, It will take us about 4 shows to get there.

[yammeringon]

I have a summer and a winter birthday. The winter one gets the bouncy castle treatment, but the summer one gets a party in the backyard. My birthday is 10 days before hers, so I usually throw "combined" parties for us - this mostly means I'm exempt from running kiddie games and can drink beer and talk to the other moms while my husband runs around like a crazy person *and* mans the grill. The time is mostly unstructured - we have a swingset, climbing tree, sandbox, tire swing, chickens, and plenty of sticks with which to hit everything in sight. What more could a 6 year old want?

I have a friend who starts planning guest lists, themes and activities for her kids MONTHS in advance. She's already asked me what ours is - I laughed. Hard. To me, this is a sign of a woman who needs either a job or a better hobby. We were co-homeroom parents this year and you can guess how that turned out.

[Amelia Sprout]

Big birthday parties don't happen until you are in school in our house (sticking to that one I swear) and then I'm going with another family member's rule. You get as many kids as the age you are turning, for some low key thing. Maybe, maybe, when she is older we'll do something where we share a birthday party with another kid. You know, if she ever has a sibling and we're too broke for presents, then maybe we'll throw a big party so she can get some gifts.

[amanda]

Amen. Because really, when did giving extravagant gift bags to every child and having themes become the norm?
We took the girls to a waterpark lodge for Ave's 4th birthday. It was a huge success with streamers in the room and strawberries and individual angel food cakes after sliding. My nearly 6 year old would love a bi party, but changing schools and a September birthday make it very challenging to get the critical mass for a party.
Wing and a prayer!