The confusing etiquette of Facebook

I had no qualms about ditching my Facebook account a few years ago when they started banning breastfeeding photos and verrrrrry reluctantly returned last year for Cool Mom Picks and Mominatrix.

It's still so weird, and often times very hard to explain, that social media platforms are now job requirements.

Indeed, I've had my fair share of issues with Facebook, not just due to my husband's whole friending debacle, but also that it's like a big incestuous pool of your entire life for everyone to swim around in.

Babysitters, mothers-in-law, your ex-boyfriend from college that you gave one too many blow jobs to all in one virtual place, reading about all your business at liberty. I realize that I make my living on the internet, often times sharing very personal information, but it's actually pretty well edited, especially compared to the often uncomfortable Facebook sharing of every single morsel of every single day including location, save where your took my last shit.

It's a little disturbing.

Besides, isn't that what Twitter is for?

Now when I hopped back on the Facebook bandwagon, I did the whole "search for everyone I ever knew in my life" rite of passage when I rejoined, which is always a fun time killer, especially when you get to see how all those assholes in high school and college did not age so gracefully.

And it can be pretty cool to connect with people that you would have otherwise never seen or talked to again. 

But then you get down to the whole friending thing, which is more like "acquaintancing" or "notBibicallyknowing" or "formerlyBibicallyknowing." 

Whatever. It's confusing.

Now I could really care less if someone friends me or not. Maybe it's because Facebook is work for me, or because I don't give it that much weight in the long scheme of my life, but I just don't care.

If someone pings me to friend them, and I know who they are or we happen to have some mutual friends, then I'll probably reciprocate.

Sure, it can be a little awkward when a friend's husband or people that I think I know but I'm not sure how I know them requests to friend me, but then I just let them sit in my inbox until I decide what the heck to do.

Are my other friends friends with them? Are these potential friends' mutual friends interacting with them? Can I really waste this much time deciding whether to be friends with someone on the internet?

Can I use the word "friend" any more times in a sentence?

Of course, it always depends on how they use Facebook, which you won't actually know until you friend them.

Do they just update cute little anecdotes about their kids, interesting links, funny photos, that sort of thing? Or are they the type to update every 14 seconds, tag you in GOD AWFUL pictures from 1994, or, worst of all, send you "gifts" or as I call them "gifts that are so not gifts and shall therefore be deleted?"

And then, do I really want them to know any more of my business?

So, friend me or not, I'll live.

Too bad that's not always the case with everyone else.

Facebook blocking is now being used to spite and backstab.

"Oh please, please! Don't take away my access to your interesting updates about your garden!"

Whether it's because you refuse to friend them or you did something to piss them off in real life, the way to really get people back apparently is to block them on Facebook.

I much prefer the old awkward avoidance myself.

And apparently if you don't wish to friend them on Facebook (which I have actually done, especially with certain family members), then they take this as an offense of epic proportions.

It's this whole "I know you, or I knew you once, or I know people who know you sort of and so you must give me access to your business, damnit!" that's a little confusing.

Shit people, that's why I write a blog.

What's your Facebook etiquette policy?

{This post is syndicated at Blogher.com - got more thoughts about Facebook as part of your job, please share them!}

Comments

[Issa]

I have only ever unfriended one person. I just couldn't be friends with her anymore.

I rarely look anyone up. In fact it's just a blog Facebook for me. My family isn't on it. Makes it easier for me.

I don't know. Sometimes I like it, others it just annoys me. I like you resisted for a long time. Now it's just something else I waste time on.

[Esther Crawford]

I have no problem friending people - I just categorize them and put them in the right list when I accept so I can control what they see based on how I know them. I think my perspective on Facebook is completely different because I've been on it so long... plus perhaps it helps that I was the original target market - a college student when I joined. In 2004 I was one of the first people at my college to get on and it was a place specifically for connecting with other students and friends from high school.

To me, Facebook is really my second home - in some cases, I feel more at home there than I do on my personal blog. It houses 5 years of photos and memories, and was the place I updated my status on a daily basis long before Twitter. Actually, I was slower at adopting Twitter for that very reason. It's been with me since I was a junior in college, through grad school, getting married, and now having a baby. Deleting my Facebook account is not an option - that would be like deleting my blog.

And now I realize I've rambled on and gushed as if I'm in a relationship with FB. God, help me. I'm going to slowly back away and go be productive...

[muskrat]

PS- Unlike you, though, I actually like FB...I had a really great high school experience, so seeing them again doesn't freak me out or anything. And, I've gotten >20 cases from it.

[muskrat]

I promote my wife and I's (is that even grammatically correct?) businesses on there and upload pictures of our children from time to time so that my parents won't call me (I encouraged them to get on FB so they can "keep up with our family" without calling).

But, I don't friend someone if I don't remember who they are. I am fairly liberal with the blogging friends, as long as they don't strike me as being creepy.

On my second FB for my pen name, I don't give a damn.

[Jenna]

I have a "hi hall" policy. If I knew them in high school or college and would say "hi" to them in the hallway. I'll accept their friend request. Other than that, if I flat out don't know you or you were the creepy guy in freshman lit, your not getting to all about my life via Facebook, sorry dude.

[emily]

I quit facebook altogether. I was really into the whole thing for a while- it was fun! Finding old friends, re-connecting..but then it stopped being that. The old friends and I had about 2 things to say to one another and things would fizzle. Then, when I found myself being all up-in-a-tizzy upset about someone unfriending me, AND facebook changed their privacy settings AGAIN without prior warning...I decided that it and I was done. So buh-bye facebook!

I don't miss it...not even a little.

[Megan (Best of Fates)]

I think this is something everybody can related to! Whenever I get a friend request from somebody I don't know I always keep it around forever, on the off chance it's somebody I'm suppose to know and have stupidly forgotten and might need to know again in the future!

[stacey@Havoc&Mayhem]

My FB friends are people I have spent time with, some in person & some on line. I only have 155 friends & that is actually about 30 more than I can reasonably keep up with. I need to unfriend the ones who are rarely on FB & the ones I never interact with. FB is about interaction for me. Twitter goes by too fast for me & blog posts are once a day. FB is 3-4 updates a day for most people (have blocked all games I only see actual status updates). Kind of a nice casual party, wander around, chat here & there.

[Margaret]

My policy is simple. Do I know you? Do I care what you think about the things I post? If the answers are Yes, No, then it's good. Otherwise, I don't 'friend' them.

I had been 'friends' on FB with my son's teacher, before she was his teacher. Long complicated story, but she's been kinda gunning for my kid all year. I realized back in January that she had "blocked" me. This was fine with me--she'd post cryptic updates about her crazy, f'd up day with a kid at school. On the days that I got notes home or phone calls about my boy.

I realized this when I got a note home one day, and thought, "Wow, no update about the "kid" who causes so much trouble." I looked at her page and found I was blocked.

I unfriended her, cuz really, what's the point if you're going to block me?

I got an email not 12 hours later asking why we weren't 'friends' on FB anymore.

We're still not. I amended my policy: No Friending Teachers.

[Karen (SubMommy)]

Facebook has been an interesting little adventure for me.

There are people who have tried to friend me from high school who I literally have no memory of whatsoever. Even when I look them up in my yearbook - nothin'

*delete friend request.......NOW.*

Initially I friended everyone who I crossed paths with who sent a request. But, then it got really weird. Some guy two years younger than me 'friending' every female he went to high school with? Buh-bye. My college boyfriend who completely broke my heart - finds me on FB at the end of his marriage....for what purpose? *shudder.*

[julie @ Mommy Said What?]

Facebook is reserved for people I actually know and would sit down, have a drink with and catch up on life. (Yes, there are 2 exceptions to this rule but only because I WANT THEM to be the people I sit down, have a drink with and catch up on life).

No strangers, no casual Twitter acquaintances, etc. Only people I feel comfortable sharing daily experiences with.

Which is ironic, given FB's privacy policies...

[Boston Mamas]

I think my earlier comment got eaten.

In short, I'm guilty of having about 70 friend requests hanging. I don't ignore them because then I'll just pop up again in their "people you may know" but I don't accept them because: a) I have no idea who they are; b) we have mutual friends but we have no personal connection yet; c) I know them a little bit but not well enough to feel OK about them looking at pictures of my kids.

In an ideal world I'd have perfect etiquette and drop them a brief note to let them know that my FB personal page is, in fact, purely personal. But the thought of going to all that trouble makes my head want to explode.

[Redneck Mommy]

A few weeks ago I unfriended over 800 people. It got to be insane and now that not only my kids but my nephews are on Facebook, I just didn't want to give virtual strangers access to the kids in my life. And I didn't want the kids to read some of the dirtier messages left to me by people I only knew off the web.

Now I only friend people who I've met in person or who have a continued email relationship with me and know my children's real names. Everyone else can party with me on my blog Facebook page.

It's a medium, but I can't say it's a happy one.

[Rusti]

PS - I TOTALLY just sent you a friend request... cuz we have 7 mutual friends... and well, you said you'd accept them... ;) I've already slotted you for my "BLOGGER" list.. but hey - I won't be offended at all if you decide NOt to accept it.. honestly :) I can read you here, and that's good enough for me!

[Porche]

FB is pretty adaptable. You can separate your "friends" into different lists. I have a list for my real friends, family members, people from college, people from grad school, people from high school, people from church, etc. Then I edit that list of people's assess to my personal info. as needed. That said, if I don't know you, I don't "friend" you.

[cloverjenn]

I used to love Facebook, because I'm admittedly nosy. I liked seeing what all the people in highschool had become. But then, I started finding it too much like highschool and I started feeling like I needed to liked by the "popular kids", so I deactivated my account for my sanity. Although, when my nosiness gets the best of me, I can still log back on, take a quick look to see who has had new babies, etc. and then deactivate again. Pathetic, but true.

I find now, I like Twitter a lot more, because even though I'll never know my Twitter friends in real life, I get to interact with them and I find them more personal. Besides, a wise Twitter friend once told me that Facebook is for people you used to know, Twitter is for people you want to know.

[Rusti]

oh Facebook... when I started out I accepted all friend requests, looked up everyone I could think of from high school, college, my small home town, old teachers, etc. then I looked at my friends' friends and added those that I knew and blah blah blah... added people from work... NOW though - I'm a little more discriminating... and for those friends I DO have, I've made lists... high school, college, professional, family, etc. and certain lists can only see certain information... such as my professional list? they can't see my status updates (which often have something work related in them) or wall posts (also, work related stuff sometimes) ... only certain people (photo/video permissions list) can see my pics, videos, etc. (hubs is a paranoid cop and doesn't want E's pics way out in cyberspace for anyone to get to... which isn't a bad thing... he also hates Facebook) also - that guy who graduated from my high school 10 years before me who I have 35 mutual friends with but I have no idea who he is? WTF? (I ignored him.) and I understood completely when Tanis said she was deleting all non-known people from her personal page - I'm still a fan of her Redneck Mommy FB page :) gotta do what ya gotta do!

[Julie @ The Mom Slant]

Facebook is where I interact with people who aren't on Twitter. Call it diversification.

[Leighann of Multi-Minding Mom]

I won't friend anyone I am related to by blood or marriage.

Or if I went to high school with you. Or dated in college. (You know who you are, stalkers!)

Actually, I use Facebook for blogging purposes. But I don't want to use it for family.

Perhaps I should set up a *different* account to interact with them.

[Sandrine]

My biggest dilemma is my students. A lot of them automatically add their lecturers as friends. Whereas I don't want to hurt their feelings I don't want to share private 'grown up' info with them either! So I put them on as restricted, and they get to see photos of my kids (who they see on campus all the time anyway) and that's pretty much it. But it's weird.

[Teresa]

When I joined at first, I friended people from high school who wanted to be my friend, naively thinking they actually wanted to get back in touch. After several months, I purged my entire friend list, only keeping those people who had somehow contacted me since finding me on facebook, ie message, comment, etc. More and more I delete people. I actually had a whole out and out with a friend who RE-FRIENDED me. She was a dear friend in high school but in college the entire group stopped speaking to me over something with a mutual friend. No one ever asked my side of the story. So since she made the effort to try again, I messaged her to tell her why I defriended her to begin with, and if she really did genuinely want to get back in touch. She responded with a lovely and caring message which has led to us talking regularly. She just had her first baby on my daughter's birthday, and I feel closer to her than ever!

Sometimes, I think that my discretion is a real virtue. If I hadn't been such a hardass, we never would have gotten in touch this way.

That said, I still just delete people every so often if they haven't talked to me. They have no right to know the details of my life if they refuse to actually get in touch with me, comment, etc.

[L]

My rule is if I never in my life had lunch with you, forget it and if you try to friend me even though we haven't talked in 20 years right after my husband's name is in the local paper, go away (or I will allow it but you will get the limited version because what is it that you want to know about me anyway? If we have a big house or nice cars? um, no and no.) And if you would like to get blocked, tag yourself in one of my pictures of my kids that you are not in, so that you can share it. Religious solicitation results in automatic unfriending, even if you are a relative (seriously, if you are a relative you should know better than to pull that crap with me). Put it this way, I ignored a friend request from my mother...that is what standing me and my two one year olds up at the zoo will get you. Apparently, I am a spiteful facebooker. I just don't get the million friends thing, it takes it from an easy way to laugh with a long distance friend, to a big commitment and a lot of f-ng work.

[Julie]

I don't watch much tv, have no interest in the personal lives of celebrities or politicians, etc. I love facebook because it is my tv, my celebrity gossip mag, etc. I like reading about the happenings of people I know, vaguely or otherwise! My only pet peeve is that I somehow peripherally know a fair amount of teachers, and I CAN NOT STAND when they use facebook to complain about their job, the kids they teach, or the parents. I know the job is difficult, I get that - but it's so hurtful to people reading to hear how MANY people who get to spend all day with our parents actually actively dislike us or our kids! Sigh.

Of course, there are many factors for this phenomenon (again, I get that the job is extremely difficult)... It's not the teachers' feelings I object to, it's the publicizing! You know?

[Amanda]

At first I felt obligated to friend everyone from high school who sent a request because the school was tiny and we all knew each other and our entire families. Then I got over it. If I wasn't friends with you then, we're probably not going ot have some sort of epiphany and be friends now.

Now, I friend who I want, and leave it at that. I LOVE that I can block applications so if all a person is posting is mafia and farm requests I don't have to see it. If someone doesn't want to friend me, so be it. It's Facebook. It's not that important in the grand scheme of things.

[Adventures In Babywearing]

I think there are two camps- Twitter people and Facebook people. I find Twitter much more interesting and more "me" for the time/entertainment/tolerance of it all. But I do casually participate in Facebook, too, and usually friend everyone I know. If it's someone I don't know, or I don't wish to be all up in my business, then I found that if you do not confirm or ignore their request, and just leave it sitting in requests, then they can't try to request friendship again- it just appears to them as a "pending" request and so if ever asked about it, you can say "oh I've been so behind or I didn't see your request, etc." Obviously I've spent too much time thinking about this and typing it out here is SO very lame.

Steph

[Suzanne]

I joined Facebook because of internet friends, so I'm friends with several dozen people I don't actually know. And then my real life (and past life) friends found me and it became a crazy mashup of people I've never actually met, people I knew in elementary school, people I actually like and relatives. I spend a few minutes once a week blocking the news feeds for people I find boring or annoying, turning down requests to become a fan of "I think your political beliefs are stupid even though I have no idea what you actually believe" and stalking the ONE ex-boyfriend who has never friended me. It's not like it consumes my life.

And for the record, I've only unfriended one person ever - a cousin of my husband who called for the assassination of the president and posted ridiculous angry rants about made up political crap several times a day.

[jodifur]

I'm like the last person on the planet to say this, but I'm just not on Facebook. The reasons are too long to go into on someone else's blog, that is a blog post in and off itself. But the more I'm reading about it, the less sad I am.

[Jo]

Oh Facebook, it now just seems to exist to annoy more than anything. I have people in my life that now comment on everything I do that I would have otherwise completely forgotten about. And I haven't deleted them because as silly as it is, I don't want to hurt their feelings. I'm probably an overly sensitive person, but I think you should design it to cater to your needs. People will get over it, I know I've been "friend-culled" and I survived. I waver between wanting to cull friends that aren't really friends and not really caring while trying to keep my privacy restrictions as tight as possible. My family and friends all live around the world so it is a good way to keep in touch and share photos, but it's also a little embarrassing to have my 2nd grade Sunday school teacher see some drunken photo of me dressed as a cowgirl at a bachelorette party 10 years ago.

[Rachel]

I am with you on the whole "friend" thing. When I 1st joined FB a couple years ago it was so fun to see people come out of the woodwork! It is amazing how FB "knows" who you might know, so I accepted a LOT of friend requests. Well, after awhile my FB page (or whatever you call it) was full of crap by people I really didn't care about (like a friend from high school's sister, or an aquaintance from college who I never knew well). So I went thru and de-friended a whole bunch of people. I didn't do it b/c I don't like them, but b/c I don't really care to know their daily business, and b/c we were never really friends to begin with! Now I'm much happier with my FB time b/c it's filled with only the people I care about.

And what is up with all the "gifts" and stuff like farmville? Annoying for sure!

[Cristie]

It all seems so random these days-who you see, who pops up who is on the FB radar-that it seems silly to think any move on another's part is purposeful. I always tried to acknowledge birthdays since they were right in my face it seemed rude not to bang out a two word sentence on someone's wall. Now, even those are buried so far down the page I don't even see them 90% of the time because I usually check FB from my phone. So, I've probably offended some people and briefly I felt guilty about it. But then I realized it's FB and if people decide to hate me for my "behavior" there or any perceived slights than that is waaay their problem and not mine.
Now, back to tweeting.:)

[J from Ireland]

I only friend people I actually like regardless of how well I know them. I have no problem pressing that ignore button. When I see people with 500 friends it pisses me off, because I know then that they are only gobshites who collect "friends" and have NO interaction with that many people. As for people tagging me in god awful pics, that makes me fucking delete them eejits!!