Q: So when are you due?
A: 10.10.10 (pretty cool, right?), but since I'm pretty consistently three days overdue, at least with my last two anyway, I'm guessing sometime in October. Margot was born 10.09.08, so I'm guessing she'll be hating me and her little sister for making her share yet another thing. Poor kid.
Q: So were you trying?
A: Yes. And no. And maybe.
Q: Oh, so that's why you stopped drinking, right?
A: Nope. I actually decided to lose the booze right after the holidays and it had nothing to do with me getting knocked up. Of course, I was perfectly fine without a drink but now I'm dying for a gigantic ice cold beer. Or 12.
And I may or may not have indulged in a glass of wine on my birthday, which I will use as an excuse if an underground birthday karaoke video ever gets out.
Q: Okay wait. But I thought you hated your husband. And motherhood. Isn't that what this blog is about? I feel gipped!
A: Actually no. There are definitely many things I hate, like spanking (of children, anyway), Crocs, and kid leashes (or harnesses, as they're now being called), but I do not hate my husband or motherhood. Sure, I've gone through difficult times with both, but just because I write a post or 12 about how marriage is tough or how my husband can be a weird, cleaning freak, or being a mom is challenging and life-sucking doesn't mean I'm giving either up. It just means that sometimes I have really bad days, and I tend to write about those because they're way more entertaining.
Plus, he has a big penis and it's hard to hate someone with a gigantic dong.
[He made me write that].
[Okay, so he didn't make me write that but the ongoing joke between us is that he asks "Did you say I have a big penis?" whenever I say I wrote something about him].
[Now you're going to think that he doesn't have a big penis because he wants to say he has a big penis so I think I'll just stop writing about his penis now].
But really, I'm sorry you feel gipped. If you'd like a refund for your time, feel free to drop me an email and I'll see what I can do about that, right after I invent the self-changing diaper.
Q: Speaking of your husband, isn't he away a lot? How are you going to handle 4 kids?
A: Yeah, he certainly does travel a lot, and I'm often by myself (as you may have read and/or do read at my new Sometimes Single Mom column and on this blog almost every other post) so we're thinking of moving my in-laws down here with us to help.
Ha. Just kidding.
Q: So why did you wait this long to say anything?
A: You know, after having two miscarriages in a row, I've just become super cautious about saying anything. And then with the Mominatrix book tour, I figured I'd just try to keep things under wraps for awhile.
And then "awhile" turned into "many weeks" and finally my husband asked if we were just going to come home one day with a baby and surprise everyone.
So, I figured it was time.
Plus, I was kind of tired of my mother-in-law asking me if I was still exercising and running every time she saw me.
Q: So are you disappointed that you're not having a boy?
A: No, not at all, but my son was. And it's incredibly heart wrenching to watch your three-year-old hang his head and pout, angrily blurting out "Boy" anytime you talk about the new baby. But then he got a piece of bubble gum on our way out and he's been fine ever since. He did, however, ask me to order up some boys from the kid truck.
I have no idea where he got that from but I'm just going with it. And I'm also buying stock in bubble gum, a loving gift from his new little sister for her big brother.
Q: Four kids! Are you crazy?
A: Yes. Absolutely. But at least I'm consistent in my insanity. It makes things easier for everyone. And really, it makes this blog much more interesting.