My little runaway

I just caught the story of the most recent runaway mom Tiffany Tehan who had apparently left her 1-year-old and husband on Saturday and was found safely, with some dude in Miami Beach.

This is not the first time a mom has runaway, and according to Gail Saltz, a psychiatrist who discussed this on NBC's Today Show this morning, it's a very common fantasy for moms. Combine depression and the stress of parenting and/or marriage and you've got the perfect cocktail I like to call "Get me the fuck out of here NOW."

But in most cases, we take a little sip and realize that it tastes pretty damn bad, or we skip the drink altogether and figure out a way to deal, keeping the escape from the crazy life just a mere fleeting thought that passes through our minds when we've cleaned up both pee and poop off the floor in the same hour, stopped our toddler from reaching into the toilet for the fifth time, and have all but tied our rambunctious son to the corner.

Sure, Tiffany Tehan spent taxpayer money when she just up and left, leaving her car with a slashed tire to make it look like something had happened. And there's a good chance, she'll be living with the guilt of this for a very long time, aside from whatever issues it causes in her marriage and in her relationship with her child.

And she needs help. There's no denying that.

But I have to giggle about how something like this makes a national news story, when there are men and dads who do stuff like this every single day. They pick up and leave their families and never look back. Maybe they give their spouses some warning. Maybe they kiss their kids goodbye. Maybe they don't make it look like they were kidnapped.

But we've got a whole slew of runaway dads in this country and we don't even think twice about it. 

And worse, we don't hold them accountable for it.

Comments

[Amanda]

Absolutely. I remember thinking when that mom went off to Disney world with her daughter last year that the only thing I would really fault her for was that she had to steal all that money from her co-workers. completely criminal and unnecessary. Her escape to Disney on the other hand? big deal! i could easily see myself succumbing to a similar urge...at least she was responsible and took one of her kids with her (probably the most well behaved one)http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/30958029/ what is most frightening is the comments that all of her neighbors had to make about her:'Neighbors on Sweeten’s cul-de-sac describe her as someone who always remembered other children’s birthdays and hosted neighborhood parties'. Makes me think that most of us are probably just one tantrum away from picking up and running away to Disney ourselves

[boringusername]

If she wanted to leave that is her business, but to abandon her car and slash her tires? That makes it look like a crime (kidnapping, murder), who was going to be the police's first suspect? I she hadn't been so sloppy they might not have found her, men have gone to jail with less evidence. If he had been charged with her murder do you think she would have come back? What do you think would happen if a man tried a similar frame-up?

[paula]

love my husband love my son more than words most days of the week and yet every now and again I wish I could run off and lay on a beach someplace..not that I ever would but a girl can dream ;)

[AshAllman]

Amen.

[R]

It's a very sad statement of our culture when men aren't even expected to stick around and take care of their children. They are mostly seen as just money-makers. Young men these days don't feel responsible for their children in any way. And who gets hurt in all this - the children.

[Kris]

all I have to say to that is amen sista!

[Motherhood Uncensored]

I just thought of this - what about Olivia Newton John's boyfriend - he disappeared and was just recently found alive after like 5 years or something nuts!

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/celebritynews/4365293/Olivia-Newton-Johns-missing-ex-boyfriend-Patrick-McDermott-found-via-internet.html

[Allison]

Wise words! Many times they are not even there to run away in the first place.

[jess]

I remember a case a couple years ago when a dad went missing right after calling his wife and talking to his daughter, promising to come home and bake cookies with his daughte. The wife said he'd never run away and he loved his family, etc. People all over the internet were accusing her of killing him (somehow, even though she was home with two kids and was pregnant with the third) for over a year and a half until he was found in another state, living it up. We heard tons about how terrible she must have been to him to make him leave like that, but he walked away and made it look like something had happened, walked away from three kids and his wife without a backward glance (until he was found). When she went after him for child support (hello, three kids and she was a stay-at-home mother when he disappeared), she was called all sorts of names and told by many people on the internet that she should just leave him in peace (and, apparently, not hold him accountable for his actions).

He left his kids, people! That, to me, was very eye opening, because it was the first time I realized the double-standard with dads who ran away versus moms who do.

[Kami]

Umm, I don't see the double standard...by law, men can do whatever the fuck they want. Can't they? (See Mark Sanford. And Elliot Spitzer. Oh, and John Edwards. Also, Bill Clinton. Followed by No Recourse...)

[SoMo]

Could it be that it made national news, because the FBI and police were called on a bogus kidnapping? She made it look like a crime was committed and will be charge for wasting many man hours in her search when she wasn't in danger.

[Asianmommy]

Good point!!

[Angie in Texas]

haha @ bill's comment.

as i was reading the article and your post i, too, became more and more angry. my ex hasn't completely abandoned my/our children, but instead comes around when he wants and emotionally min-fux the kids.

but when he does want to visit - it's all backflips and fireworks! hell, my husband and i don't get to visit: we do it ALL the time, minus backflips and fireworks.

i pose the same gist of your post applied to custody and visitation, too!

[Karen (SubMommy)]

Double standard. I also think that there's an assumption that women are more closely tied to their children simply by virtue of the fact that we're the ones who gave birth. So, when a mother up and takes off - other mothers everywhere are shocked. "How could a MOTHER do that?"

It's unfortunate that the same question isn't asked of fathers who take off. It positively should be.

I agree with Amanda that there are images everywhere in the media that Dad = Idiot. I'm sure that doesn't help our collective assumptions about the role of fathers in society.

[Lori]

Also interesting that the guy she ran away with is supposedly married and we didn't hear anything in the news about his disappearance.

[Lori]

so maybe the next woman whose husband walks out the door needs to call the news station. He's been kidnapped! A little publicity and the runaway dad is found.

[Sherry]

Amen sister. Amen.

[Al]

I was thinking the exact same thing as I was reaing the article and it made my friggin mad! Men are so rarely held accountable as parents.

[jenni]

I know, right? I've been thinking the same thing. So frustrating.

[julie @ Mommy Said What?]

I can run away?

[Tegan and Tage]

I don't think I've commented here before, but I couldn't help it. I couldn't agree with you more. So much is backwards about all of those issues. Incredible world we live in.

[Heather G]

You are so right. Society gives dads a free pass. Night out w/ the boys for dad-expected. Night out w/ girls for mom-questioned. Working long hours w/ little time at home for dad-ok. Same for working mom-she's made to feel guilty. Messy house-mom's to blame even if she & dad are both working outside of the home. Mom home w/ kids while dad's out-she's home w/ the kids. Dad home w/ kids while mom out-he's just babysitting. it bugs me that moms are held to such high (& often unattainable) standards and dad's are praised if they just change a diaper.

[inannasstar]

I think we hold Mother's up to a higher standard because we are the ones who carry and birth the children. We have a physical bond with the child far and beyond the father (I'm not saying father's don't bond with their children or adoptive parent's blah blah blah). I think it's a psychological mindfuck to the general population to even fathom a Mother wanting to abandon the human being she carried (although I do agree, we've all fanasized about it at one time or another).

[Erin]

It's the same double standard that seems to hold true so often. It's okay for men to age, but women are expected to stay youthful-looking even if that means plastic surgery; if a man cheats on his wife, we generally look the other way, but the woman he cheats with is considered a homewrecker.

I think it's getting better, but it's a long slow process -- and I think the runaway mom/dad thing will probably take longer for people to come around on than the aging gracefully thing. It's a shame, because really, which is the bigger issue?

[amanda]

Different expectations. Moms are expected to stand tall, do do whatever needs doing as far as care taking. Dads aren't generally held to the same standard, however they are unfairly maligned in most commercials to look like complete imbeciles. Wouldn't it be great if we didn't make everything so black and white?

[Julie @ The Mom Slant]

Damn fucking straight. (to your post, not to Bill's tongue-in-cheek comment, which did make me laugh anyway)

[Bill]

That's because dads are awesome, no matter what we do.