Weanher

Yesterday I didn't nurse Margot.

It wasn't the first day she hasn't nursed, especially now that I'm traveling a bit. But it was the first time that I've been home and not nursed.  

I figured the book tour would be a good excuse to wean her, but every time I come home, I give in.

I've been ambivalent about it for awhile now - on one hand refusing to pack my breast pump and enjoying the feeling of having my body back but on the other finding myself hand expressing due to the freaking pain and desperately missing that special moment with her.

Nursing wasn't particularly difficult for me, aside from engorgement, scabs, and TED diet I endured the first time around. But with each kid, it got easier, and as each kid got older, it actually became enjoyable, especially when they didn't necessarily rely on me as their sole food source.

And really, it's kind of nice having the little extra help in the calorie burn department.

Considering I've breastfed for a total of 53 months since Quinlan was born, it's really not surprising that it's just become second nature.

And I definitely have the nipples to show for it.

I unabashedly rejoiced when I finally weaned Quinlan, and I had no love lost for it when Drew was done.

But last night I sobbed as I rocked her and then gently placed her in the crib. Her head resting on my breast, not her mouth on it.

Considering she's been the easiest of the three, it's not shocking that I find myself desperately wishing that she would stay a baby. 

So for now, I'll just enjoy that I can still hold her comfortably in my arms.

And hey, at least I know what I can do with my extra breastmilk.  

Comments

[amanda]

I'm still nursing my 10 month old and she's the youngest of 3. I have been nursing or breastfeeding (I wasn't able to BF while pregnant-it caused a huge strain on my body and I had to wean my kids) for the past 5 years. Seriously. 5 years of pregnancy, postpartum, lactating, and breastfeeding on demand.

But, since this is my last baby, the idea of weaning her is kind of breaking my heart. I think I may be ready to have my body back, she's an amazing eater and is already a pro at using a straw (straight from boob to straw sippy cup-amazing what an older siblings chocolate milk sipp cup will do) but...still...

your post says it for me. I'm right there with you.

[emily]

My baby has been weaned for about 6 months now and I still find myself wanting to nurse her when she's hurt or sick or upset. Or, heck, just when I'm putting her to bed. I really miss it- which is odd because, like you, I rejoiced when I weaned the previous child.

[Mara]

She's still a baby... don't wean her yet if you're not ready!

[Kami]

it is so hard to move out of baby mode. thanks for making me cry at work. appreciate it.

[Tricia]

I still feel sad about stopping nursing the little dude, and I nursed him for quite a while. It leaves you with such conflicting feelings, wanting your body back but desperately wanting to keep that special bond, too. 53 months...you are my breastfeeding guru. I can only hope that I get to breastfeed my future children for as long, cumulatively, as you have. You're a super mama!

[Sarag]

Der, and then I hit enter and completely forgot to type the rest...idiot. So many times we've nearly been done with the breastfeeding (mostly snacks, these days) and I'll even manage a boobless day, but then he gets sick and it's right back on. :( When he's got a fever and is just flopped in that corner with wee little tears in his eyes...I can't say no. Is there a rewind button on our babies?

[Sarah]

I know! My kiddo is turning 2 in three weeks. I'm pretty sure he'll be an only child so I'm clinging to the last threads of his nursing like a rabid monkey. I know he'll end up stopping soon, but I don't want it to end. (Also, don't want him to be that 6yr old at Disney...so it'll have to end soon.::sniffle::)

[inannasstar]

I'm not one of those "baby stage" kinda momma's so I'm not catchin' what you're throwin there, but I do understand losing a very sweet part of the day because they are growing out of it. Also, your post on the breastmilk cookbook was FRIGGIN' HYSTERICAL.

There's an award waiting for you at my blog ; )

[Amy Jo]

I can't imagine how tough that must be. My baby is only 5.5 months old and I'm already weepy at the thought of weaning her. SOB!

[Nerida]

If you're so sad to stop, then why stop? She's still a baby really. Of course, if you want to stop, then do.

[Fairly Odd Mother]

Yeah, my third was a toughie---I was ready to stop but really sad about it too. He was, as well, my absolutely easiest to nurse, so that made the decision harder. But, as easy as he was to nurse, he also eased off of the breast easily too. It's one of those bittersweet passages, isn't it?

[Redneck Mommy]

Say CHEESE!!!

*I'm disgusted with myself that I went there. Yet morbidly curious to know what it taste like. I can't help myself.*

[Katherine]

Delurking to say I'm still feeding my 14mo. Well, we stopped, and I kept expressing, and then I stopped expressing, and then he decided he wanted the boob again. I gave in and we worked on relactation: I'm not sure I'm ever going to be ready to stop. He's an only child by choice, too, so I hear you on the "last time ever" thing.
53 months is an amazing achievement, especially with the TED diet! (I would die. Seriously.) Also, that BM cheese? Yeuch.

[Monica ~MommyBrain]

I never really had the chance to enjoy that form of bonding with my girls, I had 2 weeks of crying because I couldn't breastfeed. So, to say that I'm a little jealous of those of you that can, did, could, is a very true statement.
I do miss those days when my girls would fall asleep in my arms though.

[Allison Cook]

Stopping breastfeeding was more difficult for me than the baby. I miss the extra calories and that time we had together. My little one weaned herself before stopping around her first birthday.

I felt a whole lot better about stopping after I witnessed a 6 year old breastfeeding at Disney.

[Mommy Spills]

Poor thing. It is such a mess of mixed emotions. The deflation factor is never something to look forward to either. :)

[DCUrbanDad]

Oh my I will be able to look at the breast milk ice cube trays in the same way.

[My Kids Mom]

My first reaction to that link was "yuck". When mine were little I found myself wanting to taste my own breastmilk but also thinking there was something wrong with that. Really, our society is so warped. The breast is there for the purpose of making milk. The breasts are not there primarily for filling out clothes or camera shots. Milk is food. I'm impressed that the chef was open enough to try it, and any patrons who want to try it should. I'd love to see if the health department could really make a fuss and win.

[Boston Mamas]

Sending hugs. It's such a mixed emotion zone... as is so much of parenting. xo

[Karen Chatters]

Having your freedom and your body back is so wonderful but then you think about how big and grownup they are and it breaks your heart. You've definitely been a rock star nurser all these years, you should be proud for sticking with it for so long. It all just happens too fast, doesn't it?

[Jasmine]

I have never heard of the TED diet...hmm....

[Blacktating]

My son is 27 months old and I am struggling to wean him now. I would love to be done with nursing, but find myself giving in, too, because I do love those cuddles.

[Esther Crawford]

It's such an emotional process - and I've found myself a little teary when nursing after I'm gone for a couple of days because I missed that special time with him.

[Angela]

So bittersweet. I miss the feel of that warm little body curled around mine. The tiny hand on my chest. Oh damn. That would be my uterus calling. My husband thanks you.

[Motherofbun]

I was gonna say... Did you see the story about the guy turning his wife's breast milk into cheese? ;-)

[Kayt]

Ugh, I cried for days when James decided he was over nursing at six months. He refused to latch on, and I had never figured out how to pump, and that was that. It still makes me sad when I think about it.

And call me unenlightened, but I'm a bit skeeved by that link. It just seems a bit too, um, personal, doesn't it?

[ClumberKim]

I remember those feelings well when my daughter, the second and last kid, weaned. Nursing my son was hard every step of the way, but my daughter was so, so easy once we got our latch timing sorted out that first week and save a weekend of mastitis. I was breastfeeding after reduction surgery (which my surgeon said would be impossible) so I knew it would be difficult. I wasn't prepared for how easy it would be with my daughter but what a nice surprise. And really sad when it was over.

[Keyona]

God. I know the feeling. I sobbed because I didn't produce enough to feel Lael. I only breastfeed for about 4 weeks before the doctors had to put her on formula. I felt like I failed her. I'm hoping this time around things will be different. I know it's hard because she's your last baby. That's ok though. You'll have plenty other things to look forward to. Potty training yet? LOL! :)