My secret

There have been days and moments when I'd just as soon give up - when the thought of taking one more breath seemed like a big fat waste of polluted air because for whatever reason I'd rather impale myself with a white flag than break through the mobs of idiots, naysayers, fuckwads, and doucheheads that stand in front of me, hands grasped firmly like in a game of Red Rover, taunting me to run so they can plant their sweaty fists into my gut as I'm thrust backwards onto my ass.

But then I think of my mother, holding my sweet dead sister in her arms. Maybe she was rocking her softly, tears dropping like a cascading waterfall on her head as she held her tightly. Or perhaps she was wailing, like someone had just pulled her heart right out of her chest as she watched helplessly.

And then suddenly I gasp and sputter, choking and coughing like I've been pulled lifeless from a pool. And I open my eyes and as my vision clears, I see what truly matters.

And I breathe again.

Comments

[emily]

(I think about stopping breathing sometimes, too. Most of the time, I don't know what keeps me going.)

Hugs.

[Rita Arens]

I'm a few days late, but I hope the next days dawned brighter.

[WhyMommy (Susan)]

Hey. I didn't know this. Hugs. That's some tough stuff to move through. You're doing great.

[Fairly Odd Mother]

Hugs K.

[Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah]

Me too.

[Amanda Daybyday]

Exactly!!!

[Amy]

Oh, how I understand this. Hugs.

[Julie @ The Mom Slant]

I always hated Red Rover. But I'll break through whatever I need to in order to be there for my kids. I know you will too.

[Issa]

I...yeah, I get this. Hugs Kristen.

[sam {temptingmama}]

Keep breathing, K. Don't ever stop. XO

[JHP]

I want to reach out and cyber-hug you! Thanks for sharing - helps me realize that I'm not a horrible person for ever feeling that way. Oh, the things we don't talk about in playgroup!

[TNG]

Yes, yes. YES.

I have a secret, too and mine is this: When I'm feeling like a super-shitty mom and like my kids would be better off being raised by even a wolverine, I think of how badly I miss my own mom. And I think of the 3rd grader I knew who lost her mom to cancer...

And then I snap the fuck out of it already.

Thank the world for perspective.
xo

[Lady M]

More (hugs) for you.

[Woman with Kids]

Me too. So glad you take that next breath.

[jayme]

I feel your pain. I have those moments from time to time and then I think about the pain that my family would go through if I was gone. Hang in there sweetie!

[S]

oh girl. I hear you. and feel the pain with you. HUG.

[mom_in_Maryland]

When I want to give up, two thoughts come to mind: how sad it was to grow up without a father and how sad my children would be to be without a mother. Hang in there.

[JCF]

I wish horrible things didn't have to happen to give us perspective. My parents lost a child (my younger brother), and so did my husband's parents (his older sister). It is the knowledge of those experiences that keeps me from losing it far too often...

[Stacia]

The one thing no mother should have to do. I'm so sorry.

[SuZ]

Hope it all gets better.

[Adventures In Babywearing]

Oh gosh.

Me, too sometimes.

Hope today is a better day.

Steph

[Laurie]

I think you are strong as hell (that's what happens when you walk through unthinkable things, although I wish we didn't, you, any of us.) And I'm glad you keep breathing.

[Angela]

{Hugs}