Hostage

"Now you've gone and done it" she said, her screams piercing my ears. I looked around to see if glass had broken.

I had made the deadly mistake of moving her food bowl to place a table mat underneath it and for that, I paid the price.

Everyone talks about the terrible twos, and how hellish they are, and then a few moms pipe in about how "two is nothing compared to three" which I totally and completely understand.

Solidarity in the terrifying threes, mamas.

And then someone says "Well, wait until they're 16 and having sex!"

Okay, so no one has actually said that to me, but I'm thinking of doing it next time because that just makes my little baby kicking her feet on the floor over a half-eaten apple look like nothing at all.

But really, much of the months leading up to the age of two are pretty damn terrible.

It does not start right at two. And from what I can tell, it does not make her eligible for the gifted program at "Miss Mary's Nursery School."

There is no consolation for her mature tantruming skills, my friends.

Her communication skills are lacking and unfortunately adorable animal sounds don't do well in telling me that she'd prefer her cup to be turned at a 45 degree angle to her plate, that should be pink and not green because who the hell would want a green plate I ONLY WANT A GREEN PLATE ON THURSDAYS and sometimes Sundays but only in the afternoon damnit

We've done our best to institute the techniques that most experts suggest on a consistent basis.

Time outs are a regular occurrence at our house, though she tends to end up thinking it's a game and then when I actually want her to leave and go back to what she was doing she'd rather stay in the corner and so now you're fighting her to get out of time out and so what exactly do you do then put her in another time out snd by the time you figure out what to do you forget exactly why she's screaming and why you're putting her in time out and you end up apologizing and giving her a lollipop because you were a mean mommy and wait one second little girl.

Bah!

I'm usually a huge fan of diversion techniques, however the whole "Look, you little screaming child who can barely breathe, it's a birdy!" just tends to piss her off even more. And anything that will actually work to divert her attention away from the huge tragedy of a piece of toast that *gasp* has a bite out of it is actually worse than letting her carry on.

"Oh look, there's your brother over there banging the crap out of his ceramic plate with a metal fork."

Cue the ceramic plate orchestra. And then me begging her to start screaming again.

And I suppose the worst of it all, other than being the asshole who is yelling at her 17-month-old baby because that is so amazingly effective (and awesome right, I mean that is the stuff that dreams are made of right there) is that no matter how much I try to be the big, smart, "take-no-shit" parent whose house is not run by little people oh hell no, I'm embarrassed to admit that I still end up doing my fair amount of egg-shell walking.

Sometimes cleaning up the pee is way easier than forcing her to put on a diaper. And reading the same bedtime story three times in a row won't actually kill me, just the last few scraps of sanity I cling to like a dirty, half-shredded security blanket.

Besides, I try to tell myself that I need to pick my battles now so I can save my energy for the big ones later, which based on her advanced trajectory should be in about 4 years, 7 days, and 17 minutes.

Not that I'm counting or anything.

Comments

[Amira @ "Define Mature"]

I was under the impression that the terrible two's start at, well, TWO (ish), not at 15 months old as is the case with my son.

My mom said that I was such a horrendously defiant child that I made her to never want anymore children. Unfortunately it didn't get much better for her throughout my teenage years and the one thing she always said to me was "I can't wait until it's your turn" (raising/experiencing a child like myself).

And now? She literally sits back and smiles whenever my son has one of his "moments." I have a feeling this will only be more and more entertaining for her as the years come.

[Bella]

Yeah, just wait until she DOES get words... Then you won't just suspect she's crazy, you'll KNOW it. I hated, hated, hated, HATED 18-21 months. HATED. I really can't remember anything good about it until I look back at the pictures with those cute little overalls they wore...

[mom, again]

Yeah, sometimes, I just let 'em be mad. I tell him, go ahead & yell, when you're done, me and the (whatever he doesn't want) will still be here. Or, I put away whatever he does want, if that is the problem. and it doesn't come out again until there's some nicely made request(not neccesarily full sentences & please, but made with an acceptable attitude.) I play mean.

[julie @ Mommy Said What?]

Wait a minute. What happened to perfect little Margot? I feel deceived. Dammit.

That said, a close friend once said to me, "Forget the terrible 2s, it's the fucking 4s you have to dread."

Good times.

(Does she also wave her finger in your face when she's screaming no? Gee, I LOVE that move.)

[B]

Knowing the parent you are, there will come a day when the hammer goes down and sister will be forced to work with you instead of against you all the time. Let her enjoy the tyrannical rule while it lasts.

[QandleQueen]

I swore my older two were tag teaming me. As soon as one ran out of new tricks the other stepped in. You have to stay on your toes, pull in other adults and stay creative. Yes, pick your battles, but sometimes what to pick isn't crystal clear.

Kids are screaming? Scream louder, mimic their tantrum. The WTF look on their face is totally worth it and it feels great. Next time? WHISPER (actually it's speaking really quiet). In fact, keep that whisper tactic in your back pocket, it even works with big people. Try it, it's amazing. Another time sit directly across the table with a very straight face and stare at the kid. They will get louder and louder but it will register that the screaming isn't affecting you and they shut up in like 2 seconds. Keep staring until you are sure the screaming won't start up again.

Basically, quit being predictable. I think that's a complete opposite of what all of the parenting experts say, but they're not sitting with a wailing child pissed off about the color of the floor tile. You are. Mix it up.

[Kami]

Yes! This is my life you are describing. I'm sending you telepathic surplus patience, (not from me cause I have not extra, but I'm sure someone does...) and hugs. And a promise that I'll start shredding again soon. Oh wait. That one was more for me...

[SoMo]

I have screamed "You will not hold me hostage" to my son many times. I want the apple. I get the apple. AAAAAAAAAA!!! I wanted the banana. I get the banana. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! I want the apple. That is when I get down to his level, tell him he won't hold me hostage and he can either have the damn apple or go hungry. Cue the tantrum. Cue me walking away. He did the "I am going to punish you by staying in time out". So I walk away saying, "You can come out whenever you like". He hates that.

Good Luck!!

[Suebob]

No one ever listens to me about the duct tape.

[tng]

That 18mos can TOTALLY SUCK IT. That's when my kid started hitting and pushing other kids all over the damn place and when I started hauling her ass out of every. single. activity that we'd signed up for.

Good times.

Why did I do this again? AGAIN?

[elz]

BTDT, but only with 2 kiddos. I'm guessing that makes it slightly easier. Yup, pick your battles, followed closely by "this too shall pass." True, but slightly annoying. Great luck.

[Subourbon Wife]

People told me the "terrible 2's" actually start at 18 months. Now people tell me the 3's are actually worse than the 2's. I also hear that her independence is a sign of intelligence, but I believe this is a nice thing people tell you so you don't worry so much about your daughter being a total pill.

[Stacia]

What always gets me is, my son can wail like a banshee whether his finger is falling off or the green beans on his plate are offensive. Perspective, little guy? Please??

[Issa]

Is it just me, or does it get a little bit earlier with each child? Harrison started throwing tantrums months ago. He's not even 18 months old yet. Over achievers, I swear. ;)

[abbey]

Yeah, we started way before two also. Many a frustrated day there. The little lady is just now 8 months and I'm not looking forward to the phases that come next, but know there is light somewhere out there on the horizon...

[Alexandra]

My husband's son just turned 8, we have a constant battle with him over eating, don't get me wrong, he will eat, just not at a pace in which the food will be completely consumed by the time I turn 60. He thinks that dinner time is time to make shadow puppets on the wall and has to take a drink in between EVERY bite. I constantly (literally every bite) tell him to eat, to which my husband then gets prissy about and says he is eating, leave him alone, which then undermines any hint of authority that I may have had! . He throws tantrums like a 2yr old when you tell him to get dressed, brush his teeth, and eat or ANYTHING that does not involve the computer or video games or TV. Can you tell how he was raised until I came along? This fission also has bred a special kind of contempt on his part towards me...I actually have considered leaving my husband because of his child. I have 2 teens that NEVER acted out in the ways that this child does. Spoiled rotten until I came along. I hate comparing him to my 16yr old girl and 14yr old boy but damn my kids were fantastically well behaved compared to this child!!!ARGH!!! I can't imagine what condition my sanity would have been in by now had my 2 been anything like that. Good luck, the smarter they are the more stubborn, the harder they fall (or you fall).

[emily]

My youngest is now 18 months old and is developing her own opinion. I hate this stage...where she HAS an opinion, but can't tell me what it is.

The only thing that helps me through it is to see past the screaming to how cute they are. Pisses 'em off every time.

[Julie @ The Mom Slant]

Yeah. This was CJ. And the fun lasted until speech therapy took effect.

Heck, we still go round and round over the right way to slice (or not) a piece of toast.

[laura]

personally i think teenagers are just like toddlers with the exception that they are as tall as me. which is worse. i can't really differentiate. having had both at the same time here under the Big Top i can say that both seem to suck the life out of you. our Hazel is 21 months now and it seems that she has mellowed just a little. perhaps because her vocabulary is growing and we can almost understand her. but when we can't, watch out! hang in there.

[Linda]

According to my father in law (who by the way is a huge pain in my ass), my husband was a horrible child. He was constantly into everything, and he was always in trouble. And as he got older, he was much better. He knew his boundaries, and he knew what would and wouldn't send my FIL into a complete tizzy. On the other hand, my Mom says that I was a "perfect" child, but I remember some pretty shitty teenage years. I turned into a rebel, and I still remember some of my worst days.

As of right now, we are going through some majorly hard times with my almost 3 yr old, and I don't see an end in sight. I am about to have an emotional breakdown from the constant screaming, fighting, time out, etc. And my 6 month old is pretty defiant too.

Ugh. I am actually looking forward to them growing up some.

[Julie]

At our house, the battles with the four-year-old son are either *always* the same: supper and bedtime; or they are randomly chosen to keep me in a perpetual state of wtf. Our two adult children who were relatively compliant and happy as toddlers, but less so as teens still think and act like five-year-olds. I'm hoping that the tantrums now are a harbinger of GOOD things to come later.

[Mads Mom]

I'm right there with ya Mama. Lately it's all about TV. She wants it the moment we walk in the door and she can't just ask for it ("Too!"), she's gotta whine about it.
When you get it worked out, let us all know!

(Oh, and the kid puts herself in timeout, except she goes there w/ a hung head to pout...it's kind of creepy.)

[Atlanticwriter]

Ahhh, yes... pick your battles. A daily refrain at our house. If I put my boys in a time out for every argument we would never leave the couch. As a mom with two young boys and a step-mom to a teenager I wish I could tell I got to stop picking my battles... but the tantrums just take different forms and the waters just get murkier!

[Amelia Sprout]

I have a pick your battles one. I hated that preverbal thing. Good luck.

[Michelle]

I'm feeling your pain. Though my 'pick your battles' girl is now 16 (really?), I remember well the her against me moments. My boy is 14 and we're just getting into the him against me.dad arguments, usually beginning with "I don't see the point of...." when we end up saying "JUST DO IT!" and going away very exhausted by it.

Hopefully, all your battles will be junior, so that by the time they are teenagers it won't be as hard because they know your boundaries/morals and follow them to a large extent (esp at home) as they figure out who they are.