Flask of hope

I had my first drink as a sophomore in college, delayed mostly by the all too present reminders of my alcoholic father. And since then, I've been an extremely controlled social drinker.

In fact, I can count the times I've been drunk on my one hand.

So when I decided to kick the booze for the entire month of January, I didn't really think too much of it. A little post-holiday detox would do my liver and let's face it, my ass, a lot of good.

Plus, I've cut out booze for a total of 27 months (give or take a few days for those third trimester weak moments). Heck, I even ate nothing but a combination of five foods in one form or another for an entire year.

I can resist the glass of wine with dinner. The beer during Monday night football. The weird rum "with whatever kid's juice I have laying around" drink.

Suddenly, the list went on, and I realized I had become a bit more than a social drinker.

I didn't think much of it, really, until about a week into January when I felt like my body was screaming and I wanted to rip a Bud Light out of my husband's hands.

I'm quite aware that I've got addictive tendencies, which makes doing anything in moderation quite a challenge for me.  

It's great for the 30 Day Shred.

And work.

But other parts of life that require moderation require a bit more of an effort.

So either I drink when I want and how I want because I CAN DRINK DAMNIT.

Or I don't do it at all.

And when it functions as a drug for me, and not as just an excellent pairing with a pasta dish, I had to wonder if I just shouldn't do it.

And so I did, well, save a few days in Puerto Rico when I sucked down a few mojitos and couple of free Margaritas (Embassy Suites Free Happy Hour FTW!), for the entire month of January.

Wouldn't you know that life was better. Sleep was better. Sex was BETTER.

Ahem.

*****

I've watched motherhood take a lot of victims - good women, awesome marriages - drowned without any chance of resuscitation. Even good swimmers, some extra prepared with lessons and life jackets, can't stay afloat when they're tossed into freezing cold water.

That's not the case for all of us.

The water is warmer, or we're fortunate to have someone toss us a lifeline and pull us in, even if it's by our hair.

But others aren't as lucky, and they grasp at what they can to keep their heads afloat.

*****

The first time I stood up to my father, he took away my car. He grabbed the keys away from me as I screamed in his face about the time he was too drunk to pick me up from youth group and left me there mortified trying to explain to my boyfriend why were were still sitting there 45 minutes after it was over.

The time he broke into our basement after being taken away by the police and screamed at us into the wee hours of the morning about how my sister's death was my mom's fault.

I raised my hand at him and he flinched. "Are you afraid I'm going to hit you?" I asked. "How does it feel?" I remember saying, my heart racing out of my chest.

He laughed, staring at the keys in his hand. "You have nothing now," he said to me. "You'll end up alone. Miserable."

*****

Life was never hard enough for me to drink.

And then I had a kid, and got married again, and attempted to be married with kids.

That's the short story.

And all that shit is pretty fucking hard.

I don't think I have a problem. But I also know I just don't do moderation well.

So instead of risk it, I'm going to enjoy the bliss and heartache of being present in my own daily existence. And I'm filling my flask with nothing else but hope.

For my kids, for my husband, and for my dad.

Comments

[mom, again]

My dad wasn't the crazy or the mean type of drunk. He was the always drunk type. Hardly ever VERY, just always. The few times I remember him being very drunk, were pretty awful in one way or another though.

As a teen, I resented his drinking because it often meant he was out of work. Therefore, there were a lot of things we didn't have or couldn't count on. A functioning car and reliable way home was one of them. I've done the waiting thing. Also the having to beg a ride thing.

I've never drunk much because it didn't seem to me that one could drink just a glass. I understood one didn't have to be a raging drunk, but I was determined not to run my life so incompetently as he seemed to. (Nor be the doormat my mom was--is).

ONly in my 4th decade am I learning to enjoy an occaisional drink. But I must say, I feel twitchy and suspiscious of myself if I have drink more than a few days in a row!

[neena]

Just got your book in the mail - can't wait to dive in!!! I didn't realize you were a suburban Atlanta mom blogger - perhaps we're neighbors!

[Floral Joy]

I have a bit of an addictive personality. If I like the sweater in black, I'll also get in in grey and red. So, I never let myself drink until I was 21 because for some reason I thought that I would be responsible by that time. I did drive when I was a little tipsy. I did convince myself that I was having a good time if I had a drink in my hand. At the end it took only one night of me being seriously drunk and one full day and night of of me hoping to die to make me never want to drink like that again. After I got pregnant I stopped drinking alcohol for two years and now I'll have a glass of something maybe once every two months. I think people have to know their own limits and decide if it's worth it for them to go too far. I'm so proud of you that you know yours and have done something about it.

[Jeannie]

You are a strong, wise woman. It takes a lot to know your limits. Especially when you grew up in an evironment with someone who didn't. *applause to you*

[Greg]

The more you let go of yourself, the less others will let go of you. - one of my favorite quotes from Nietzsche.

Don't. Lose. Your. Conviction. EVER!

[Jaelithe]

My grandfather was an alcoholic, and I count myself very, very lucky that, barring a couple of isolated episodes of stupid social binge drinking in college (and "binge" for me is like 3 or 4 strong drinks in a couple of hours) I have not had any real problems with alcohol; I have never felt the temptation to use it as an escape, mostly because I don't like the loss of control I feel when I drink too much.

But I recognize other traces of the addictive personality in myself. Really, I think we all have our own personal ways of shutting out this overwhelming world. Mine don't involve alcohol, but they can still be destructive.

Good on you for deciding to try to take your life head on, with your eyes fully open. I know it's not easy. I'm still trying to figure out how to do it myself.

[Karen (SubMommy)]

"He flinched."

I think that small statement speaks volumes.

And by the way, when he said, "You'll have nothing now. You'll end up alone, miserable."

He was talking about himself.

*************************

Sleep is better, sex is better, and life is better. Amen, sistah.

[Shweetmamajae]

You are a stronger and wiser woman than I. It wasn't until just shy of a year ago that I realized I had an addictive personality myself. I never worried about myself, even tho my father is an alcoholic (I wasn't raised with him); that my grandmother was an alcoholic; that my uncle was; that two of my cousins died from it (along with drugs) ...none of the dots connected until last year.

I too, now choose to live life present, aware and feeling all emotions. It's not always easy - however after how I was for more than 1/2 of my life, it's a welcome and refreshing change for my soul.

Rock on lady! :) As a fellow mama, I'm proud of you. :)

[maggie, dammit]

Oh, one more thing... thank you for being the first comment on my post. When I put that out there into the ether and I couldn't breathe... and then there you were. THANK YOU.

I'm here if you ever want to talk more about it. xo

[maggie, dammit]

Something is most definitely in the air. I'm so glad you chose to say all of this out loud, whether you have a drinking problem or not. I felt like nobody was talking about it (nobody like me, anyway) and it kept me scared and quiet. I appreciate you raising your voice. So much.

[muskrat]

now what the hell am i going to take a picture of you doing at blogher this year?

i stopped for a few mos after a few friends told me i needed to in the fall-winter 2003 (upon returning from my first deployment).

[Issa]

Good for you Kristen. Seriously.

I've always been super careful with it, because I come from a lonnnnnng line of addicts. At Christmas, because of everything going on, I started drinking every night. Luckily I realized what I was doing before I really got going. Sigh. It's easier to just not, then to have it sometimes.

[The New Girl]

Oh well then.

Welcome to the Sober By Choice Club. We get a lot of strange looks at parties, but we remember EVERYTHING the next morning.

Membership has its advantages.

xoxo

[Julie @ The Mom Slant]

It's been a good month. A learning experience.

[Undercovermama]

I applaud your choice. I went through a period where alcohol was a need than a choice and I had put drinking on haitus for a while.

Good for you!

[tuesday]

I love this. Coming from a family with alcohol problems it has never been a problem for me, but I know it could. I keep it at bay, and I have the power of it.
I love that.

[Carrie D.]

I love this, Kristen. As a pretty much 100% non-drinker after seeing what effect even that "casual drink" was having on me (because of my own personal slippery slope) I can appreciate the improvements you are talking about. Especially when it comes to being present for my kids.

[VDog]

Oh honey. You break my heart, in a my-dad-was-an-alcoholic-too kind of way.

xoxo

[Juliana]

I really enjoyed reading this post lady. Have you read Maggies post from Okay.Fine.Dammit? You should check it out and read the comments. A flask of hope sounds wonderful...very much still enjoying your blog after all these years!

[Keyona]

I've been seeing alot of this in the bloggy world. It is hard doing what we do on a daily basis. Pair that up with different personalities and it's easy for anything to get out of control. Nothing wrong with a drink here or there. As long as you are in control and not the drink. You are doing fine. :)

[jayme]

Good for you. I had a time not so long ago that I drank until I passed out every weekend. It was like a routine for me. My friends would come over, we would put the kids to bed and get wasted. Sunday morning was always the worst though because I couldn't function from being so hungover. I also couldn't remember some things that happened the night before which was very scary for me. Luckily for me, my drinking buddy decided to stop drinking all together. This has helped me limit my drinking to just a few or none at all. I like waking up on Sunday mornings now and I can remember what happened on Saturdays!

[Amelia Sprout]

I grew up in a family of addicts, and I get it. I hated seeing people in my family drunk. I know that I fight ever day with the disease of addiction, and I lose when it comes to food, but I know that I am winning the fight with booze. I just don't do it. I know I could too easily fall in to doing it all the time, so even though I may have a rare beer, and I love cooking with wine, most of the time I just don't.

Honestly, given my feelings about drunks, I am happy to see so many people making this kind of choice. Now if I could just find some sober roomies for BlogHer.

[Mary]

I think for me, it's a very good thing that I don't actually LIKE the taste of alcohol. Most of it tastes like cough medicine to me. I don't even like wine, and even the smell of beer makes me a little urfy. I've only been a little tipsy once in my life - going away party where I had 2 electric lemonades and hadn't eaten in 7 hours at that point. Even then I just walked carefully.
I wonder if all bloggers are getting a memo, because this is the 3rd or 4th post about drinking I've read in the past 2 days. I'm glad you figured out what is right for you.

[Michelle]

Knowing my grandfather's problem with alcohol (he had a lot of rejection in his life, covered it with beer), and the fact that I have an addictive nature, I also choose not to drink, now. I have been drunk three times (before 18 - I live in Aust) and not liking the feeling of knowing what is going on and not being able to control it. I can enjoy a glass of wine, but only do it about two or three times a year. I choose not to drink.