Victory

I was Quinlan's age when the relationship with my dad started taking a turn for the worse. It was just after  my 5th birthday when he held me in a choke hold up against a brick wall at a train station for talking too much.

Thus continued years of drinking and yelling. Hitting sometimes. Fearing always. And enough to make me quite certain that I did not want to have kids.

I did not want to risk carrying on that legacy.

So when I got pregnant with Quinlan, I vowed it would never be like it was for me.

It could never be like it was for me.

There are days when I yell. I've had a few mother beast moments that I still find it hard to forget.

And lately, with what's been a combination of weird hormones, a month long withdrawl from sugar and booze, and my husband's travel schedule, I've been scraping by, shoveling dried fruit and black tea down my gullet and trying not to scare my kids with a mix of irritable snaps and crying spells.

Hell, I was even crying on the treadmill after catching the tail end of "The Express," in particular when he wins the Heisman Trophy.

There is something so powerful about the idea of beating the odds and winning. The standing ovation, that public experience of victory, is something that few of us, and certainly not me, experience.

I admit that I was envious of that feeling, now realizing that I'll probably never be winning that Academy Award I used to dream about as a kid.

But then I realized that we all have those moments in our lives. Granted they don't involve amazing performances on a football field or in a blockbuster movie, but we all have victories to celebrate.

And so when he accepted his trophy, I accepted mine.

A victory in breaking the cycle. And starting a new legacy for my kids.

I may not be perfect. But I'm aware. And that's more than half the battle.

Comments

[Jae]

Awareness! You have that. That's all we need to break the cycle. I too, and breaking a cycle, and being aware seems to be the best thing you can do for you and your family. Yay you! You rock! :)

[Elizabeth]

I feel sick at the thought of 5 year old you having something so scary happen to you. You are a wonderful Mom who definitely deserves a trophy for your victory!

[JHP]

Thank you for this post. It gave me a little bit of inspiration to write about important things that aren't always pretty. I've still got ways to go before I have enough nerve to write some of that stuff publicly.

[maggie, dammit]

It's so hard to be a good parent, even when we have all the best tools at our fingertips. And then when you have to try to find your way out of a cycle it's that much harder, but that much more admirable. Good on you, dude. Well done.

[Winsome Lily]

This gave me chills.

You are AMAZING.

[WhyMommy (Susan)]

Atta girl!

This (the doing and the writing) took guts. Way to do it.

[jayme]

I applaud you! I have a step-son who was abused by his mother until he was 5. We had no contact with him for the first 5 years of his life so we did not know. Every day I have to think carefully about how I am coming across. It was very hard at first because of his emotional issues, chair throwing, etc. but I have learned how to be a better parent through him and it seems that you have become a better parent too through your unfortunate upbringing. I want to hug you! *HUGS* I am sorry for what you went through. No child should ever have to deal with that.

[Secretia]

I believe you are a perfect Mom.

Secretia

[Cynthia Samuels]

Oh Kristen, I've seen you with your kids and there is NO doubt that you beat that cycle long ago. You're a beautiful mother and friend and writer and I can say, as someone familiar with the disease that claimed your father - a wonder of strength.

[Fun & Fact]

You always come up with great stuff I just love your site you are very talented I’ll recommend your site to my friends and family members great job very appreciated..keep it up..

[Issa]

Perfection is not possible. No perfect parents out there. But breaking a cycle is amazing. Truly Kristen. Quinlan, Drew and Margot will never know that type of violence. You have won.

[patois]

And I don't think I've ever heard a better acceptance speech.

[Vicky]

Applause!

It is a big deal and an accomplishment to be proud of.

Thanks for sharing so much with us as well.

[Mommy Spills]

You are amazing. We all have battle wounds and uphill climbs but you have overcome and you have every reason to be proud.

I'm willing to bet this rings true for you too: http://mommyspills.blogspot.com/2009/12/most-coveted-title.html

[Kami]

This shit is hard. It brings out the worst in me. For sure. But, it also brings out my best. I try to convince myself that my worst won't leave a mark on they're fragile little psyches. But then they say, "Mommy, are you going to be mean today?" And I start to cry. I'm a damn good mom. And I love my kids fiercely. And I know I can always do better. Better than my parents. Better than my husband's parents. Better than the way my friends parent. So everyday, I try to remember to hug both my kids at least 15 times. Because my mean melts away when they're in my arms. And also, they're way cute.

[Bella]

SO MUCH MORE than just half the battle. You're not only doing beautiful things for your children (stumbling along like the rest of us, of course, and never perfect, but SO GOOD), but you're also inspiring other parents to do the same by writing it down, the hard stuff with the awesome...

[Evan]

I'm glad that you've achieved your victory- sometimes, even if it's not too glamorous, rest assured, it is something big.

[Shannon]

I'm so happy you realized that about yourself. We all have our moments of anger. But that you can see it, really see it, and know you can look past it, that is wonderful.

[amy]

You're SO right, and I'm doing the same thing for my kids. Breaking the cycle.

[Secret Mom Thoughts]

Definitely a victory.

[prescott]

*cough*publishedauthor*cough*

[valeta]

I was just telling myself something along those lines the other day.

And it is so true! We are winners.

[Karen (SubMommy)]

Reading this, I just want to cry for the little girl you were.

But I'll stand up and cheer for the woman and mother you are.

[Mary]

Absolutely. And really, my parents (especially my mom) still just don't believe that there was any abuse in our house. In our case, it was pretty much all my mom.

So I try to be that anti-that. God knows I'm so not perfect, but I'm also trying to make sure my kids aren't afraid of me.

[Julie @ The Mom Slant]

Yes, yes and YES.

Not perfect, but aware. Constantly striving to do better. And willing to apologize, even to a child.

[shannon]

Congrats indeed! In our house we refer to it as mindful parenting. We don't have to make the same choices our parents did, ,d knowing that puts us (and our kids) in a better position than many. Improving the world one child at a time.

[Manic Mommy]

A friend of the family who still loves under the delusion that my dad was a great guy, recently commented that the apple (me) hadn't fallen far from the tree. Little did he know that we're not even in the same orchard.

I too accept this award on behalf of the little people.

[Mr Lady]

My entire daily existence is comprised of nothing more than making each minute better for my kids than it was for me. I'm right there with you.

[Adventures In Babywearing]

This is awesome. I understand, and admire.

Steph

[Amy]

Good for you! That is an accomplishment, and an ongoing and permanent one. We all have our demons to fight down. It is such a great feeling to succeed.

[Lady M]

Beautiful.

And your kids reap the rewards of your strength every day.