There's no "It was daddy's fault" in "Team"

The hardest part of being a sometimes single parent is adjusting back to being a partner in a parenting team.

The break is welcome, don't get me wrong, but when you leave certain tasks to Mr. ADD, it can sometimes be more annoying than helpful.

Like the leftovers and pans still sitting on the stove the morning after, the half made school lunch and snack, or the incorrect homework assignments after we're already in hot water for taking our kid out of school for four days.

Don't get me started on the 69 she got on her pop spelling test. Apparently if you are 5 years old and spell the word "trap" with a capital "T," you are wrong. Wrongity wrong wrong WRONG.

69. Kindergarten. Now that's what's wrong.

Considering she hadn't studied, got three words right, and was only one letter off on the other three, I proudly hung the damn test on the fridge.

Needless to say, when I discovered that my husband had helped Quinlan complete Friday's homework and not Tuesday's homework, I was annoyed, which was pretty obvious when I ripped a paper out of my old notebook to write the teacher a note.

I hesitated as I composed the quick note explaining the situation in my mind.

"Dear Teacher: Quinlan's father who can't take two seconds to READ THE DIRECTIONS EVER gave her the wrong assignments..."

But just as I was about to write those words, I realized that it really doesn't quite matter whose fault it is. My husband and I are a team - doing our best to co-parent when we can.

And so when she's late, it's our fault, no matter who forgot to set the alarm, or who was driving slow. And when she does the wrong homework, we're both to blame.

It's a hard concept to swallow, since I spend much of my time being the sole parent. I have enough on my plate that it seems completely counterintuitive to have to pick up the slack for someone else.

But no one ever said that parenting and marriage are intuitive. On the contrary, it takes work, and requires us to swallow our pride for the sake of the kids, at least in front of them anyway.

Behind closed doors? Well that's a whole other ball game.

Comments

[William]

Reading your column and the comments from readers I feel compelled to offer a balancing view. In your column you are obviously upset about your child receiving a grade of 69, and many who have commented appear to be upset at the child receiving a grade at all. I am not sure of the timing of all of this but you comment that you are in "hot water" for taking your child out of class for four days. I take from that that the absence was not due to an illness, family emergency, or death in the family - right? Could it be that your child's performance is the result of that absence? And could it be that your surprise at learning about a spelling bee (from another entry) is the result from that absence as well? Children must be in school to learn. In response to some that commented about grades in kindergarten and "self esteem" I offer this. Grades are a measure of performance. Measuring performance is a means of holding one accountable for their actions. Learning accountability, even at an early age, teaches the all too valuable life lesson of responsibility for one's actions. I don't know what kind of schools some of you send your children to in Georgia, but I will tell you I attended private schools from K-12 and my kindergarten assignments were graded (and I can only imagine that some of you will be shocked to learn that I earned smiling and crying face grades). My T-Ball games were also scored and the end of season trophies were earned by those who performed the best based on their hard work - they were not a simple award for wearing a uniform. Self-esteem is built when a person works hard to achieve a goal and is then rewarded as a direct result of that hard work. It is also built when a person is not rewarded for a lack of effort. And yes, sometimes we can work hard and not be rewarded but remember that life is not always fair, another life lesson that can't be learned too early. Every day I witness a lack of accountability on the part of many in the generation of teens and twenties that I believe is the result of opinions like I have read on this blog. I congratulate the author for the comments that indicate that you know that you and your husband are accountable for your child's education but I also sense that your accountability is not balanced and not always consistent (i.e. your child missing four days of school). Look, none of us are prefect, but as parents we are fully responsibility for the upbringing of our children. It is easy to blame the teacher. It's much harder to accept your accountability and responsibility to join with the teacher as a full partner in your child's education. But remember nothing worth achieving in life is ever easy. I didn’t earn an MBA, a Professional Fellowship from an Ivy League University and an executive position easily, or without being held accountable, and many of the most valuable life lessons along the way were the result of disappointment and failure. I am here thanks to two wonderful parents that always held me accountable and because of a wonderful Kindergarten teacher, and many like her who held me responsible to do my best.

[Kristin]

You are so patient. It really pisses me off that "team" means I have to remember everything and double check everything my husband does because he's so disorganized and forgetful. We may be a team, but I'm the goddamn team captain, and not necessarily by choice.

[marie]

yes that kindergarten sounds crazy. Spelling tests? Wrong? Grades? Don't they know anything about motivating children and giving them self esteem? Self esteem - so much more important to 5 yr olds than spelling.

[Kate@And Then I Was a Mom]

Maybe your daughter should show her teacher how to spell "moron." And that WOULD start with an uppercase letter.

[King Krak, I Drink The Wine]

A spelling test in kindergarten? HF! With numerical scores? H3xF! What is wrong with you people sending your kids to schools like that?! You're trying to tell me that it's important that a 5-yr-old can spell the word trap?! This is just so wrong.

[b]

I have to ask what school she attends. We used to live in Atlanta and many of the Catholic schools are really great, but still have reasonable expectations for the kids. I'm just stunned she received a 69 and instead of a gentle reminder on that T she got is WRONG. Crazy.

PS: The rest of your entry is great. My husband and I have been struggling with un/under employment for a year now. I'm so much better at the home gig than he is, and he is SO much better at the provider role. Thank God he just accepted a great position, or I'd be on medication soon.

[Bevin]

Yeah, I guess... ;)

Of course you are correct. But oh my god, sometimes hubby's actions hurt my brain.

[adhocmom]

A good reminder. Thanks!
x,
Paula
www.adhocmom.com

[Jeni]

I'm just glad my husband is not the only one who leaves the pans on the stove overnight for someone else to clean. And I'm sure when he gets home tonight he'll be glad your hubby did it too. It means he won't hear," I'm not your maid or your mother." too many times.

[Ed]

Great Post, One of my kids is at the point where I am to stupid to help him in school. I guess when I was learning, expectations were lower.....lucky me. And we split blame right down the middle, 80-20. I'll give you one guess who takes the 80.

[Greg]

yer kid is kewl!

[phenry]

One of the hardest parts about parenting is supporting each other, even when you disagree. We have a pact not to intervene when one of us is disciplining the children (unless absolutely necessary), even if we don't agree. We must always show a united front! For instance, my husband is quick to take away toys when I would more than likely opt for a time out. However, I will not intervene at the time. We save that discussion for later -- behind closed doors. That eliminates the children looking from one to the other of us and trying to play us off on one another.
It's necessary, but not easy.

[victoria]

i find that there is a lot of "AREYOUFUCKINGSERIOUS?!?!?" said daily... and it is usually me saying it to my husband. its not our fault we are awesome...

[Ruth]

I have NEVER heard of a Kindergarten that gives actually grades on work, ever! Just what kind of school is she going to? Jeez... effort, neatness and attitude are all that count in Kindergarten to me! I hope her teachers perfection doesn't rub off on her, she may get discouraged!!She sounds pretty darn awesome to me :)

[Heather]

True, true, it doesn't stop you wanting to write that note though, does it? ;)