Grumpy

"Mom, you're being grumpy and you told me to tell you when you're being grumpy and so I'm telling you you're being GRUMPY!"

Her voice escalated as she gasped for air in between sobs.

I'd lost my temper with her, a mostly innocent bystander to my attempt at making it through a phone call without being interrupted by shrieking matches and no less than 12 requests for snacks by her brother who had just eaten his entire lunch only minutes prior.

It wasn't her fault. It rarely ever is.

But she was laying there, still sock and shoeless after my numerous requests, and caught the tail end of my wrath.

After an embarrassing temper tantrum brought on by attempting to put mittens on my son a few weeks ago, I told her that she had my permission to put me in my place - not necessarily making her responsible for her behavior, but encouraging her to stand up for herself, and call the "bullshit" when she sees it.

Even on her own mother.

Though my husband is an active, involved parent when he is here, he's often gone, and I remain the constant for the kids, my feet dug deep into the trenches of teaching them the small intricacies, nuances, and gray areas of growing up.

There are days that I envy his position, a parental visitor of sorts, the fun one who comes home with presents and lets them stay up late and play Beatles Rock Band way past their bedtime.

On others, when I can step away from the work and laundry piles and enjoy their essence, I enjoy our little foursome, our merry band of two girls, a boy, and their moody leader.

But it weighs on me - this responsibility of ensuring that they are open and able to express how they feel, to sometimes deal with the consequences ("Tell me you're sorry for yelling at me, Mommy" my son says), and yes, to be comfortable to tell her mommy when she's "being grumpy."

Apparently I've also taught her how to sugarcoat things.

Comments

[MDTaz]

I lost it this week with one of my daughters, and was hating myself for it - even though I've written in the past about how we can't shield our kids from our emotions and how we can turn our own outbursts into teaching moments, modeling for them how to recover from an angry or frustrated meltdown. And still, what weird and whacked part of me still thinks I'm supposed to get it right every time, like I'm super-mom or something. These moments, I think, remind everybody that moms, too, are only human.

[julie @ Mommy Said What?]

Just went through this last night with my son. Mad at his sister, yelled at him. At almost 4, he's just starting to tell me when I've hurt his feelings. And even though I felt like shit, it was nice to be able to apologize and explain the concept of forgiveness to him.

It's obvious you guys have a very special foursome going on there. I'm jealous.

[inannasstar]

I have a grumpy sweatshirt that I put on when I'm in one of those moods and I too am a "yeller". I figure, he has to learn to put up from it from some woman, why not his mother : ) I figure I'm doing my future daughter-in-law a service.

[Fairly Odd Mother]

I'm trying to stop yelling in 2010, and so if the kids catch me yelling at them, I have to pay them a quarter and do 10 jumping jacks. I'm not kidding. I have a pocket full of quarters right now and gave one out this morning. It does give me pause when I'm about to take a deep breath and let out an angry yell.

I love that you told Q to call you out on it. I think this teaches them that we aren't perfect, we're all doing the best we can, and that we really don't want them to do the same thing.

[Jae]

You rock! Your openness and honesty will serve them well. :)

[mom, again]

I should really attempt this with my last one at home. It would have been a good thing to have taught my daughters.

[The Baker]

I was feeling like a jerk for having ripped my daughter's head off earlier tonight and came on here to lighten my mood. It's nice to not feel so alone! My husband is also often gone and I'm on my own with the three kids and sometimes I just run out of energy and patience and there's no one to step in and take a little load off my shoulders. When my oldest was little I would always make a point of apologizing if I acted like a jerk, but I've gotten out of the habit of doing that. I felt like I'm only human and can't expect to be perfect, but what I can do is show my kids how to correct what I've done wrong. I've gotten out of the habit of apologizing and tonight when I took a step back I realized I had gone overboard and decided to apologize. When I told her I was sorry for yelling at her she smiled and said, "thank you mama for saying you're sorry". She handled the whole situation with way more maturity and grace than I did, and it brought tears to my eyes. I've been beating myself up over it all night, but tomorrow is another day and another chance to get it right.

[caramama]

I love this! Good for you to give her permission to call you on your grumpiness.

We can't be expected to be the perfect parents all the time. But I think it's so important to acknowledge when we are not at our best and to teach our children not just how to stand up for themselves, but also how to recognize when a parent (even their own) are making mistakes.

Because my girl is younger, I am currently just trying to be open with her about when I am feeling grumpy and warn her when I am about to lose my temper and yell. I hope that when she's a bit older, she will be able to call me on it, too.

[Melanie]

I think more parents should teach their children to call them out when necessary. Good for you.

[Amira @ Define "Mature"]

Oooooohh yes. This is a good one. I'm definitely going to integrate some sort of "open" system with my kids too. After never being able to fully express or even verbalize how I may feel about decision or arguments, I really don't ever want to do that sort of thing to my kids.

[Andrea]

I strive for the openess I never had In my childhood kudos to you for letting yourself be open to your children who are people too little people but still people.

[Bella]

This is AWESOME.

[patois]

You can't be all bad: my kids are still too afraid to tell me when I've lost it. Even though I've encouraged them to do so.

[Angel]

Great post! I love it! I am a very moody mom myself and feel the same in regards to being the constant and my husband gets to dawdle in fatherhood. Keep on posting. For my sanity as well as others and I'm sure your own.

[fidget]

its a good lesson. Im teaching my kids to apologize for their behavior by apologizing for mine when I get too "grumpy"

[Secretia]

The constant having to deal with the children is much more tedious than just going to work. It's unappreciated by most men.

Secretia

[Woman with Kids]

You're teaching them two lessons; that you're human and make mistakes and lose your temper and will be grumpy sometimes, and how to stand up for themselves too.

[Jill]

It always drove my ex crazy that I let the kids argue with me- no yelling, no name calling, no being disrespectful, but arguing is okay. I figure they have to learn how to do it somewhere. He never did.