One, two, three, four, get your bladder off the floor

While my vagina has definitely paid the price three times over, my bladder has emerged from the post partum wreckage remarkably unscathed.

So when I nearly peed myself during a long set of squat jumps at kickboxing class, and subsequently found myself having to use the bathroom every two hours, the only explanation I could come up with was that I was pregnant.

And wouldn't you know, that's what the damn test said that I took Christmas morning.

YES +

[Damn new fangled things].

After screaming what must have sounded like the father fixing the furnace in "A Christmas Story," I took a picture and emailed my husband.

Subject: Um, Merry Christmas...

Message: I made an appointment for a vasectomy upon your return.

Okay, so I didn't say it that politely. I'm sure you can figure out my choice of words for that one.

Then I texted him to tell him to check his email. And then I called him to tell him to read the text that told him to check his email.

"What's that?" he asked me.

"A PREGNANCY TEST" I exclaimed. How can you not tell what that is, why, with my fine iPhone photography skills?

"Well, what does it say?" he asked. "I can't read it."

"DO YOU REALLY THINK I WOULD SEND YOU A PICTURE OF A NEGATIVE PREGNANCY TEST?"

Silence.

"You didn't post this, did you?" he asked.

[Ah, the poor husband of a blogger].

We both sat on the phone, scratching our heads trying to figure out how in the hell this had happened.

But even though it was highly improbable that I was pregnant, the little $8 test said I was, so therefore it must be true.

At least that's what I told myself as I finished off the dark chocolate caramels chased with three peanut butter and jelly topped bagels.

The baby is hungry. How can I deprive my baby of chocolates?

The only problem was that other than having to pee, I had absolutely no other pregnancy symptoms. And I had just had a period.

So I can't say I was too surprised that after taking a few tests the next day that might as well have screamed "NO WAY IN HELL" at me, I learned that pregnancy tests should not be kept in subzero temperatures, like in your car's glove box in case of an emergency side of the road pregnancy scare.

[I realize that you will now obsess about the fact that I had a pregnancy test in my car. I cannot give you a reasonable explanation for why there was a pregnancy test in my car other than the fact that I am lazy and sometimes just hide things in my car rather than bring them inside].

So, no folks. I'm not pregnant.

I just need to wear pads.

And kegel like I've never kegeled before.

Comments

[Tracy]

What an experience to end your 2009!

Tracy, Status Now

[Julie @ The Mom Slant]

So did he keep the vasectomy consultation appointment?

[maria]

i have to wear a pad when doing jumping jacks and i have a prego test in my purse. i'm with ya, sister. :)

[Chrissy]

Kegel...kegel...Just remember ladies...if you learn to do K's good enough...your man might just get jealous at your ability to get HOOOOOOT without him :)

[`Amy]

HA! I was TOTALLY kegeling while I read!

[Kami]

Ah, peeing in your pants. Yet another pleasant physical manifestation of child-growing...I'm so glad things turned out all right!

[Kelly]

Oh I was cracking up and immediately thought oh she talked about having lots of sex a couple of posts back. Tell your husband you'll take care of him for a week following the way he took care of you when you were pregnant and for the first month postpartum and see where that gets you. Hope his fix goes well!

[Angela]

Holy. Shit.

[marty]

Kegels don't seem to help nearly as much as just wearing a pad when I exercise. A thick one. Damn Jillian and her jumping jacks.

[mom, again]

fairly odd mother: your Kegel alarm clock idea is brilliant! Perhaps I'll make a ringtone for my phone that says Kegel.

[muskrat]

I was hoping you would share in our misery...I mean, delight.

[Shannon]

lolol, I know you would have managed either way, with your sanity maybe not so intact. BUT at least it was an advnture, right?

[Issa]

DUDE. Kegels for sure. Sigh. I swear it was the third baby that killed my bladder. I was fine before his 8.6 pound self was late.

[fidget]

in th eglove box? even I dont do that!

[RookieMom Heather]

Holy shite. What a fright.

[Scout's Honor]

Gah! Been there, but after vasectomy, the pee stick came up positive...and guess what, it was a pregnancies. So vasectomies not always full proof. As for my last little guy who has been loved from the day we found out, he was over 10 lbs and completely destroyed me. I pee when you look at me funny no matter how many kegels I do.

Sigh.

He was worth it though.

~Scout

[Vicky]

Do we live the same life? Geez. Not only does Lucy say, "Uh-Oh" as her first word too but we had the SAME THING happen on Christmas day. Wow.

[Monica ~MommyBrain]

you would've been the 4th person to say you were pregnant this Christmas... had you actually been pregnant. Congrats on the false positive! I'm sure you're relieved.. Hope your hubby survives his surgery... at least a little painlessly.. Still trying to get mine to go in...

[Screwed Up Texan]

I wanna know what's in the glove box too. lol

[Greg]

What else you got in that glove box? Hell, I'm intrigued now...

[Allison Cook]

What a scary beginning to a post. Hope you are kegeling right now.

[Rusti]

Happy Kegeling, congrats on the false positive, and good luck with hubs' procedure :) If it makes him feel better, throw him a "going away party" for his "guys" ;)

[Secretia]

I always have to pee because I drink a lot of water. Kegels are our friends!

[Karen Chatters]

I didn't even have a vaginal birth and whenever I do jumping jacks, I feel like my uterus is going to fall out of my vagina. Guess I should do some kegels.

Congrats on not being pregnant?

[Ruth]

After 4 pregnancy's (and 10,000 kegals!) I still feel like I need to pee when I run! Pregnancy never would have crossed my mind, old age on the other hand!! LOL
Congrats on NOT being pregnant, enjoy some drinks on New Years Eve! :)

[phenry]

Whew! My heart nearly stopped when I read this as well (same as Fairly Odd Mother). I hope the surgery goes well.

[Fairly Odd Mother]

My heart almost stopped reading this. And you know that every single woman reading this will be Kegeling by the end. I can't even hear the word without doing them b/c I never remember to do them otherwise. My alarm clock should wake me up with that word.

Hope your husband has a pleasant surgery!