Please pass the jelly

One of the hardest parts of kids getting older is that you just can't get away with what you used to  - the mid-day hanky panky that can be explained away as "wrestling," or the entertaining toys that you have laying around everywhere that just so happen to buzz at 16 different pleasure levels.

I can see why it's easy to become royal fuddy duddies when you've got kids who are five and older.

It's not so much that you want to say "sugar" instead of "shit," or have sex behind completely sound proof and locked doors with all the lights off.

Okay, so maybe the pitch black room isn't such a bad thing.

But no parent really wants to deal with a kid getting in trouble at school for calling their teacher "a royal bitch," nor do they want a verbal transcript of their sexcapades to be shared with the entire neighborhood.

Thankfully, we're not there yet.

But we're on our way.

As you might have guessed, I've got a few sex-related items lying around my house, given the fact that I write a sex column and I have a sex book for parents coming out soon.  

I've even got a Liberator Esse chaise sitting in my living room - a borrowed prop for my book trailer shoot last week.

Based on my kids' reaction, you'd have thought we brought a jungle gym into our house.

And while the infamous condom lollipops have been tempting, we've avoided any such issues with them.

They ask if they can eat one. We say no. End of story.

However, I was doing a massive clean-up yesterday and apparently my oldest got a hold of a condom in a regular wrapper.

Hilariously enough, she didn't know that those were off limits.

Now I only discovered this because she came down talking about making a window cleaning solution and how she found this weird jelly type thing in her room.

"It's like a jelly fish, mom" she said. I had no clue what the hell she was talking about.

But the idea that she was making some soapy concoction with which she was planning on washing her own windows made me curious enough to go check it out.

And there it was. In a cup full of water.

A Trojan "jelly fish."

At just over five years old, I didn't think she was quite ready for a condom speech. But I did make sure she understood that they're not great for cleaning windows.

Hey, it's a start. 

Comments

[Christie]

OMG!! Where have you been, your blog is great! I have a one year old and sometime I just want a break and your blogs are my laughs for the day...Thanks

[Latricia]

Here's something you might like:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQjkWjKZ4Sw

Have fun! please know that you are a great mom!

[reanna]

I don't have any kids, but this is seriously the funniest blog i have ever come across. a jellyfish?!?! wha..? i love it!

[Kitty @ katscradle]

LOL!

[Issa]

Better at home in a cup than in class is all I can say.

I was sad when the wrestling thing was no longer believable.

[Secretia]

Wel, I'll read you sex colum now too.

Thanks for advising us!

[Melanie]

That's awesome, a jelly fish!

And just to share, my almost-four-year-old son shared with his entire daycare that I have a new boyfriend, and that this boyfriend fixed the lock on my bedroom door. Oh, and apparently gives updates as to whether or not my boyfriend spent the night.

I'm already the awful parent who sends her kid to daycare while sick, or in not-perfectly-clean clothes, or with hot chocolate on his face. Now I'm THAT single mom.

Oh well. It's worth it :)

[Kate at And Then I Was a Mom]

I know I should be focusing on the whole condom thing, but I keep getting snagged on your five-year-old's penchant for window cleaning. What do you feed her, and how can I get me some of that? I have a three-year-old who really needs to start earning her keep.

[julie @ MommySaidWhat?]

Hey, at least you didn't get a "Does that go all gone, Mommy? All gone in your vagina?"

Sigh.

[Kelly]

Whatever your readers do, DO NOT I repeat DO NOT click on the link for the chair with kids in eyesight or you'll have some creative thinking and explaining to do!

[dear wife]

Well hopefully you were smart, unlike me, and hid them. My son has found them not one but a couple of times and sworn they are candy or toys and desperate for me to open them. Luckily he cannot do it himself yet.

[maty]

That's hilarious.

[Julie @ The Mom Slant]

At least her windows would be free of pesky sperm.

[anita tedaldi]

Very excited about your book coming out - will review it on mil sites!

Do we get a toy with book? Just kidding
Cheers,
Anita

[Avitable]

I give out Avitable.com condoms in the gift bags I give to guests of my blogger Halloween parties, and I've heard several stories of children thinking it's some type of chewy, not really tasty candy.

[Karen Chatters]

Kids are so creative - a jelly fish! Love it! I hope you replaced her jelly fish with a proper cleaning rag and let her go to town on those windows. Feel free to send her my way to work on my windows as well!