One of the hardest parts of kids getting older is that you just can't get away with what you used to - the mid-day hanky panky that can be explained away as "wrestling," or the entertaining toys that you have laying around everywhere that just so happen to buzz at 16 different pleasure levels.
I can see why it's easy to become royal fuddy duddies when you've got kids who are five and older.
It's not so much that you want to say "sugar" instead of "shit," or have sex behind completely sound proof and locked doors with all the lights off.
But no parent really wants to deal with a kid getting in trouble at school for calling their teacher "a royal bitch," nor do they want a verbal transcript of their sexcapades to be shared with the entire neighborhood.
Thankfully, we're not there yet.
But we're on our way.
I've even got a Liberator Esse chaise sitting in my living room - a borrowed prop for my book trailer shoot last week.
Based on my kids' reaction, you'd have thought we brought a jungle gym into our house.
And while the infamous condom lollipops have been tempting, we've avoided any such issues with them.
They ask if they can eat one. We say no. End of story.
However, I was doing a massive clean-up yesterday and apparently my oldest got a hold of a condom in a regular wrapper.
Hilariously enough, she didn't know that those were off limits.
Now I only discovered this because she came down talking about making a window cleaning solution and how she found this weird jelly type thing in her room.
"It's like a jelly fish, mom" she said. I had no clue what the hell she was talking about.
But the idea that she was making some soapy concoction with which she was planning on washing her own windows made me curious enough to go check it out.
And there it was. In a cup full of water.
A Trojan "jelly fish."
At just over five years old, I didn't think she was quite ready for a condom speech. But I did make sure she understood that they're not great for cleaning windows.
Hey, it's a start.